i dunno, maybe i'm the bitch...

because i don't think you're interesting. your inane ass stories, waiting to talk instead of listening, making everything about you, trying to one up people, even about stupid shit, having to be right about absolutely everything, making weak ass jokes just to have something to laugh about, talking just to avoid the silence.

what the fuck are you exactly?

i can see a lot of your behavior is to gain some self esteem. you cover an inferiority complex with a superiority complex, but don't quite pull it off. if you can be "the best", maybe people won't notice your issues. but then, that shit becomes your issues. it taints your personality and makes you fucking annoying as hell.

but if i tell you that, i do become the bitch. and i don't really want to tell you. i kind of want you to figure that shit out on your own. you're sheltered and frail, everything in your life is homogenized; same people, same activities, places etc. people in your world accept that shit, probably think it's cute. you want to make yourself seem so wordly and something special. you're not that special little snowflake. and you should recognize that and want some kind of change.

i'm not too much better. but i don't live by my insecurities. i can't imagine what kind of scary existence i would have if i did. i have my dark days, then i find a light and strut into that bitch. and i know, not everyone can do it like me, not saying they should. but because we do it different, doesn't mean your ass does it better. hell, even when we do it literally the exact same way, you still think  you did it better or i did it wrong.

i'm getting riled just thinking about it.

i think i am slowly going to incorporate reality into your bubble. it's gonna hurt your feelings and make you think i hate you. i don't. you're a good person and you have the potential to be really fun and interesting. but we need to get past this 'better than you, yanything you can do I can do better' bullshit you like to play.

thursday night

watching some awful lgbtq movie that's too long and kind of boring. but a guy says something... "you can somewhat tell what people are about by their appearance,"

this is by no means law, but there is some truth in it. it makes me wonder. I perceive myself as plain externally. not ugly, but nothing to get overly excited about. does that mean I'm plain inside too? I feel like it does. I spoke before about not being edgy or exciting. not that I need or want a gimmick but, what do I need to be more... je ne sais quai?

dunno why I should even bother though.

also watched a movie about people finding their soulmate via science. not sure if I even believe in soulmates, but it was cute and kind of thought provoking. if romantic soulmates are real, what happens if you don't meet them? or if you get it wrong, the person you love and cherish is actually someone else's soulmate? does everyone get one? what if your true one and only actually lives half way around the globe? these questions make me believe soulmates aren't a thing. way too many people and variables in the world.

we're all just an accident of time and space. the chemicals just happen to line up right. nothing is permanent or guaranteed. yet we try so hard to give these little flukes of existence meaning. it's as it should be I suppose. I mean, what else have we got to do?

meh, too heavy and philosophical. gonna try to finish this awful long movie. stay with me...

interests

things may or may not work out romantically with the coworker's brother. we kind of don't have very much in common at all. meh, but maybe he'll end up a cool guy friend to hang out with and potentially ask a favor from when I need a dude. guess we'll see, stay with me...

giggle

I was looking for a particular post. I may have to start tagging. as I did, I looked at the last few numbers of the blog challenge in sep/oct. what the absolute hell was I doing? they not in any kind of order. I suppose I could go back, clean them up, edit all my old posts to make this a more polished and professional blog to attract an audience to gain influence. but this is a blog about life. my shitty life, but life nonetheless. it's not perfect, not always right, not always interesting. it has face value. what you see is almost exact what you get. I do say almost though because I can, at times, surprise people.

but that numbering, while funny, I can do better, so i'll probably fix those. in the meantime, stay with me...

ask yourself, what purpose do you serve.

think on it, really consider it.

I hope you find it.

I don't know why I bother though. just an unheard cry for help I suppose. not that it matters.

thinking

I wish I did drugs sometimes. maybe I'd be a bit more interesting. a little edgy. or I was an amazing dancer. how sad is it I'm bored with my own one and only life? very...

I'd be willing to do almost anything other than anything but what I am now. go to work, go home. i spend too much time alone. sure, there's the lil, but she annoys me mostly. I rarely see adult friends that share my interests. I would love to see them more but work prevents that. this could soon lead to resentment of my primary source of income, and other issues. not a good idea.

I wonder if other people feel the same way about their lives. it doesn't seem like it. maybe a few, maybe more. they just seem to be better at covering it up or recovering from it. they find a way to be interesting.

I hate my fucking life

out of pocket

and out of sorts. just been an up and down week since my last post. and everyday I tried to blog or think of something interesting to say. obviously nothing came. speaks volumes about me. why do I even bother. I just really don't know...

the last two days have been shitty...

friday night in the suburbs...

doesn't matter anyway, i'm at work.

good evening, my babies.

so pretty sure this is/was the flu. wed was extremely difficult to stay upright, alert and awake and i ached all over. but i'm betty badass and i had too much stuff to do so i barreled though the day as best i could. i did complain though, as frequently as i could and when i deemed appropriate. thursday was a little better, but not much. i was still super exhausted, had a headache and my nose was either a running faucet or a tiny Sahara on my face. but it was thanksgiving, and i couldn't be a baby bitch on thanksgiving. today is much like yesterday. i'm still tired, the achies came back and my head and nose are killing me. but here i am, plugging away at work. there is truly no rest for the wicked.

other than the health report, not a whole lot more to report. my order for the hand warmers got cancelled due to back order. but that's good, because they are now cheaper. even after shipping, it will be cheaper than the base price on smoko's site. i'll just try it again next friday.

started researching patterns for the things i have to make for cosplays. which will be moot if i don't get around to paying for the cons, but i digress. it's going to be an action packed year of flying by the seat of my pants as i can't find exactly what i need, but can probably modify what i do find. it's an exciting challenge.

also made a major financial decision today. i want to pay my car off. i've done the math that paying my car note every time i get paid will pay it off in around eight months as opposed to the almost twenty-two i have left. i think i am willing and able to swing the sacrifice. at the very least, i'll try. it means i can't buy hundreds of dollars in food a month, which is good as well as i plan to lose some serious poundage in 2015. i am a fat person, and i think i'm legitimately tired of it now. to offset it, however, i'm going to respectfully request the lil start putting $100 on the rent or start buying her own food. i think she'll opt for the latter, since i'm sure she will think it's cheaper. i hope she does. the food i buy and eat will be hugely more varied and healthy than any of the shit she buys, so i can finally eat right, not feel guilty for not catering to her and save money. plus, the money i was spending on the car and food can go to my savings toward the down payment on a house. i may actually be out of that apartment in 2016. my god, it's a huge win win for me. i hope i can actually pull it off.

lastly, the personal front. wow, a first here, folks, a positive in the romance column. so far, he's alright. we mostly talked about games and sports, but he impressed me, legitimately. he not only knew of my favorite game company, but played and liked one of their games. i may not date him, but we will definitely hang out and maybe game online together. the conversation lulled today, but i'll try tomorrow morning to pick it back up with some irrelevant banter. baby steps...

alright, i think i'm done here. i should be writing. stay with me...

update sports fans...

i think i may have the flu. i want to be a big ole baby about it. but no one is gonna take care of me and no one is gonna care. and i have to do work. carry on alone per usual...

what constitutes a day on this site?

just a random question, doesn't even matter

sick. again. this time, light sneezies, a little sore throat and some coughings. i don't feel miserable, i just feel tired. but tomorrow will be busy time with the lil and her boyfie. they are running me just a bit ragged.

to ease my stuffy soreness, i bought an assload of tea. i do love tea. hot cold, creamy sweet, i'll drink almost any tea. except  tea with lemon. i got some teas i've never even heard of, but they were only a dollar a box. so if they suck, i can give them away and not be out a lot of money.

finally heard from the coworker's brother. we're just texting, so i'm not getting excited or anything. the list to impress me is very short. even i don't know what is on that list. i guess i'll add to it, if something ever impresses me. i sound so pessimistic and elitist. but, i am. i am pessimistic and elitist about dating.  i can't have my time, energy or emotion wasted. it's a little sad really, i just want to get to the point, either forever or nothing. i know life doesn't work in such absolutes. but i need them to work for me like that. i don;'t know what i will be life if i have emotionally vested in someone and it doesn't work out. i will either be a miserable bitch forever, or i will go full on ballistic. not sure which, but i think the latter. scary. anywho, all this to say, we'll see...

i haven't drawn anything since the last Sweetheart. but i got the froyo girl planned out, just need to find a cute pose. i have been writing though. i'm back into frank, cranking out anything that will come out. is it a story? yes, a good one. is it well written? not really, but that's in post; i just need to get the story out for now. in fact, i should be working on that now, but being a sickie, i don't feel like it.

next time, something interesting, i hope. stay with me...

more arts

the newest Android Sweetheart

that's milk she's surfing on, i didn't forget to color the water...

this one was fun and i got the idea from a coworker. i was stumped for about a week how to bring this one to paper. next is frozen yogurt. not sure the pose yet, but she will be wearing only in strategically placed froyo, a bracelet and a smile. look forward to that.

i got no other news really. went to see The Color Purple, the musical. it was well acted and very moving. i will be watching the movie as well in the near future. the sets left a lot be desired, though, and there was one point where they used a picture of a live action car in the background ambient scenery. it was literally ridiculous. everyone in the audience was appalled. to the point that when a car horn sounded toward the end of the play, everyone groaned, thinking it was going to be another car picture. but they spared us the second time. thank god. followed the play with dinner at ihop and quality time with the lil and her boyfriend. he's annoying, but he's mostly a good person. hopefully he (and she) grow out of those goofy little irritating tendencies and do some good.

no news on the cosplay front. all of the upcoming ones are very planned out, thanks to cosplanner, but i haven't bought anything new. there's a costume place in ft worth i want to try whenever i get a chance to go that way. probably make a day of it on a saturday or a wednesday. what i did buy recently were a pair of adorable handwarmers in the shape of buttery toast

aaawww yeaaa!

i got them for the brutal winter mornings to come at the part time. but the way things are going, it's looking like i might not even get to use them. these cute, very expensive, unusable things.

other than those things i got nothing. i've been trying to write, but not with a whole lot lot of success. the opus is boring and i want to pay some one else to edit at this point. Lanky Frank has me in a corner, kind of. i don't like what i've written in the current chapter so far and i don't know how to get to the point i want to get to. been working on a different old project too, but it's not as enticing as it once was. i did get a call from a 'publishing consultant' that i requested some info from. but it feels already like i'm going to do a lot of buying of things and/or services i don't need or want. i dunno, not necessarily back in the rut, but not going forward either. just a lot of grand ideas. i think that's worse than being stagnant.

but look at me rambling when i said i had nothing to say. i dunno what i was thinking. guess i just needed to talk. thanks for listening, my babies. stay with me...

doing...

i really just wanted to look at my blog. i'm weird.

anywho, today is monday. it sucks. not crazy busy at work. but i also don't have enough to occupy me between calls. so i colored in a coloring book, ate and i'm slowly working on the third chapter of A Night in the Life. i love this novel.

no word from my 'editor.' i hope she's ok. or maybe she changed her mind. but i think she would tell me. we always seemed to have a good rapport. at this point however, i want someone else to edit the opus. i love that novel as well, but i't been a decade, i'm tired of looking at it and i'd really like to finish book two of the series.

i don't have shit else to say other than right now, i hate being female sexed. that is all. stay with me...

some kind of revival...

bonjour, France. don't know what i'm doing to keep you coming back, but i sure will try to continue it.

i felt good today. have been feeling good for the last two days. i feel motivated, i have plans. not sure what the change is, but i hope it lasts.

i spent most of yesterday and the beginning of today at work planning out cosplays. found a phenomenal, fun app called cosplanner. lets me slap all my plans and progress in one easy to access and edit place. that should keep me motivated for a while, especially since i have five listed already with more to add later.

for the next con season i'm focusing on two characters from BoJack Horseman, Bojack himself and Diane Nyguen, as well as Ai Enma From Hell Girl (Jigoku Shōjo), and a constantly evolving kitsune costume (that's fox in japanese, westerners). Bojack will be mostly a closet cosplay. i bought a horse head and already have a blue sweater. i just need a blazer, a pair of jeans and red shoes. i want a binder to draw away from tits; the binder i did get was way too small. gonna have to go more professional and, alas, more expensive. Diane, however, is gonna be a little more work. i need to make a crop top jacket and alter a pair of booties to match her look. really, i would love to see a costume change for her in season 2. it's a cartoon and all the major characters dress a little weird, but i'm not entirely sure what the hell they were basing her style on, it's kind of gross. the hell girl cosplay is just going to cost a lot of money. i found a site that sells the kimono costume in my size which is fantastic in that i don't have to try to sew a kimono or recreate the flower pattern on said abomination. in addition to that, i found a wig, a pair of authentic japanese geta, tabi and even pinkish red contacts. it's going to be beautiful, once i can afford it. lastly, the kitsune; it started out with the concept of being a nine tailed fox. but the faux fox fur i found is very, very expensive. and heavy. it would be a momentous to try to attach nine of these things of my desired size on an outfit or even a belt. so now it's a single tail, beautiful fox woman. i have the hair, makeup and accessories planned, but i haven't formulated a good concept for the outfit itself. of course, i want it to be eastern themed. but all i can think of is a slightly slutty kimono/cheongsam. but i'll figure it out...

also good news, i may have my house back to myself soon. the little has slowly leaked to me that she's planning on moving to tennessee with her boyfie next summer/fall. while i don't agree with the idea of going clear across the country with some dude without more of a plan, i also kind of don't care. it's their lives, if they fail/fall apart, they will have to figure it out. but the prospect of her leaving has renewed me in a way. sooner than later, i will be alone with the critters. i can do what i want, when i want without having to haul someone somewhere, buy them things like food and stuff they can't afford, have them run up my electricity bill. i can clean my fucking house the way it was before the flood of '12. with just me in a house with the animals, no more spills or smells or clutter or junk. because i'll be either in my room or my kitchen, occasionally in my office. oh my god, i'm so happy just thinking about it. i love that girl, and i will miss her (if this even plays out the way they are "planning") but i wish i could get her out sooner!

oh, and i've been very productive artistically recently. check it and see:

 

I'm working to improve. i like the first one, the second one, torsos, fucking torsos. and the third one started out great, but the right side of the picture looks like it belongs to a different, enlarged version of the subject. but if i don't practice, even ugly shit like this, i won't get any better.

lastly, before i end this long ass post, i'm being set up by a coworker with her brother. it's interesting. the more she described him the less likely it was he would share my interests, though. he is a gamer according to her, but that's about the extent of what we may have in common. i'm not holding my breath for anything. it's actually probably over before it's begun since i gave her my number for him tuesday and it is saturday night and not so much as boo.

ugh, anyway, good talk, kids, stay with me...

I took a nap, then woke up thinking...

I've cast the net twice. no catch. and it's not even me initiating the shit. so how shitty are you not to act when you ask to engage me?  I'm no quitter, not this easily at least. but it's frustrating and kind of the reason I don't like putting myself out there. tough skin or not, it can only take so many hits before I go shutting out the world again. whatever, gonna shake it off again and keep strutting. I walk alone...

welcome to november

and another month of zero accomplished.

last month ended rough. my 21 day challenge was a bust after three days.

i was super  busy with prep and execution of my grandmother's birthday celebration. it was a great time though, and we made a lil ole lady very happy

also started a second dnd group, had one session, and my co-organizer is out of town until the end of the month. but i'm very prepared for every session they will have as they are following the same campaign as my first group. no new maps to make or story to write, just reprint the npc's i lost and we roll... dice.

cosplay is moving at a snail's pace. only thing i have for a new outfit is a horse head. cosplaying BoJack Horseman at some point next year. yet i haven't paid for any cons to wear it to. hopefully some of my fun money this month and in december can go toward getting that accomplished

everything else, however, seems stagnant. work is boring. i have no personal life. social is alright, i guess, but would like more out of it. professionally i'm on hold, waiting to get a contract from the woman who agreed to edit my novels. and for the first time in i'm pretty sure five years, i'm not participating in NaNoWriMo. i just have too much other shit going on and to think about and do this month.

and i'm generally not happy. went to the spa a couple of weeks ago and didn't really enjoy it. even got a fucking cold from one of the rooms, which i am still battling a little. i have nothing to look forward to, nothing excites me, motivates me, moves me. i literally just go through the motions all day everyday. i half cleaned the living room. washed only two loads of clothes. my bedroom has not been cleaned in close to a year. the bathroom, let us not speak of.  i got the car cleaned, but regretted spending the money on it when i realized the cable bill didn't get paid. i just feel like i'm failing at life and falling into mediocrity.

i am not mediocre, i've always aspired for more, known i'm capable of more. the means to get to these places and these things though. i don't know the way or what to do. people say 'just do it, it's so easy, you'll be glad you did.' do what? what is the formula, what are the steps? i'm not stupid, but i feel like i'm stupid when i don't know how to accomplish a goal, especially such lofty goals as i have.

unfortunately, it all boils down to money. i can't afford to spend extra on things that could better my professional or social life because i'm too busy living day to day. and i have debt. sheesh. i've considered sites like indiegogo or kickstarter to raise funds to get a foothold in the right direction. but there are people with legitimate, amazing causes and products that aren't getting any money. a very hilarious youtube cartoon i like has a kickstarter asking for $60k. last i checked, they only had a $750. granted, it's money they didn't have before, but it's disappointing that someone with a good product is not making it. why would someone give me money for my lesser cause?

that's not the right attitude, i know. if i wrote up something pretty and endearing. i might get a couple hundred bucks. like that guy that got like $40k just to make potato salad. but there are so many people asking for free money out there. what makes me more worthy, what do i have to sell? i dunno, i just feel i'd be lost in the sea of lost causes. that would make my old peeve of wasting my time rise to the surface and burn me with anger, making me never want to try anything ever again.

i'm sad. and i'm rambling and i don't have anything else to say right now. 2014 was supposed to belong to me. but it feels like these last few months it's gonna slip out of my grasp. i need something to feel better soon. it has to get better, somehow.

stay with me...

day two sucks

I fought temptation and won. last night I wanted ice cream and almost went to Wendy's for a float, but i wasn't trying to crack a new challenge on the first day. when i got home, i had a craving for peanut butter. but I sipped my water and played skyrim instead of getting up for a lil sammie.

lunch today wasn't great, bunch of fried food from Captain D's. it was across the street from my last errand today (half of which i didn't even get done), and I can't remember the last time I had D's. it was a lot of food though and i ended up giving the rest of the fries and a long ass fish fillet to the little. between lunch and dinner, i had a coconut water, and another one with dinner. a nice boring ass salad with a little shaved turkey thrown in and a pack of seaweed. yum yum.

i feel shitty. i'm tired, my head hurts, i'm thirsty and i'm hungry. i think i came down off food too fast. part of this may also be due to my stupid lady time, so i'll have to gauge how i do after it's over compared to now. i want another helping of salad, but my next meal won't be until 12 tomorrow. i'm thinking i want a doughnut at breakfast at church tomorrow though. just... slip in that one little morsel with a cup of coffee. damn that sounds so good right now.

when i think about it. it's a pretty extensive gap between meals. one at noonish, the next around 730-8 in the evening, then the long 16 hours to the next day. luckily i'm asleep for some of that span.. if was a daytime person, that would just be breakfast and dinner.

i may reconsider a third meal, but i can't eat at night when i get home anymore. too late and too close to sleepy time, it just goes to fat. and i can not get up any earlier, especially not just to put food in my face. with my schedule, there just isn't time for another one that wouldn't be right next to one of the other two. and i don't want to get into a habit of snacking. healthy or not. that shit makes me feel like a cow, grazing all damn day.

ugh, not sure what the fuck i'm gonna do. but it wouldn't be a challenge if it wasn't hard, i guess. two days down, 19 to go. it doesn't sound too bad. stay with me, make sure i don't die...

I'm in a bad way today. I don't want to do anything but lay in bed. no gaming, no TV, no human interaction. just lay. in. bed.

in overwhelmed with things I have to do, pay for, go to. and I want no part of any of it. I want it all to go away.

but I got up, ran errands, came to work. because I have to. shit won't get done otherwise, regardless of my mood. eventually this will pass and I got life to live on the other side. I'm battling little ugly nagging thoughts, and winning. I just got so much shit to do, I can let this down period get me. I will not lose.

rejoice with me in the light when I get there, stay with me...

the next challenge

look at me, i thought of something to say.

feeling a little bit better. i had comfort food.

and that's pretty much what i want to talk about now. i mentioned in a previous post that i'd been eating a lot lately and packing on the pounds. went clothes shopping this afternoon and a pair of jeans in my regular size were a too tight and the other pair are a lil snug. the too little ones, i'm not bummed about because they probably run small and they have no spandex in them at all. just tight ass denim. so i'll lose a few inches and get into those just fine. the red and black argyle tights i got though are perfection as are the cardigan and camisole i got to wear with them.

but to get into  those stretchless denim jeans, i've decided to curb my snacking. starting today apparently. my usual day went as follows:

wake up
laze until noon
feed the fur balls
have breakfast/lunch
play a game/watch a thing till 130
find something sweet to eat
continue gaming until 230
get ready for work
have a snack at my desk
work till lunch
run out and get a huge dinner
work till midnight
feed the kids dinner
have at least one more snack
pass out around 2-3AM

that's five damn times i'v eaten in 12 hours. nobody needs that. and that's just the work days. it could be worse on my weekends.

today, however, i had a small burger and fries on the road running errands, and flauta plate for dinner. and when i get home, i plan on getting a drink and taking my ass to sleep, no snack. that's it, two meals. were they great meals? no, but there were't five of them either.

the goal is to have those two meals, make them good ones hopefully, add some exercise and lose a little weight. but first thing first, 21 days of two meals, lunch and dinner. i know breakfast should be an option. but with my mostly nocturnal schedule and general disinterest in breakfast, i feel ok excluding it. of course, i'll keep ya posted here, stay with me...

bored

tiring to get a BL game installed.

don't want to play skyrim. don't have the Sims 4 yet. bit in the mood to watch anything or read anything. I wish to be mildly entertained by boys having sex and falling in love. someone might as well.

funny, I looked at the clock at 11:11 and thought, 'make a wish!'. couldn't think of anything. not that I have everything or don't wish for anything. but what purpose would it serve to remind me if what I don't have, can't do, only to be disappointed when said wish does not come to fruition. so I sent a half ass wish/prayer into space. may it be forgotten with all the rest.

anyway, gonna try to get this game going before bed. head hurts, gotta get the lil to work early and I've got errands and bills tomorrow. I'll speak with you again then, stay with me...

nerves

good evening. or rather, good morning.

so remember that post where I mentioned how I love my long nails after years of not having them. well, I don't have them anymore.

I have a nervous habit. when I get stressed it anxious, I break my nails. either by accident or deliberately, the nails get shorter and shorter. and it apparently applies to all nails. I broke of a pinky nail, then an index finger and went for my toenails after that.

besides work, my lack of motivation at home, losing a debit card when billss are due, next week I add public performance as a trained monkey to my stress. I was enlisted to sing a song for my grandmother's birthday, which has mushroomed into potentially four songs. I've prepared 0. it's a wonder I haven't reverted to full on biting my nails again.

it's just such a nutty time right now and the holidays are coming so I know it's just gonna get worse. I need a release, some good news, something to genuinely get excited about. soon.

if it comes along, I'll try to post it here, so stay with me...

30: finito

*this post was actually started last friday. work, from where i do most of my posts, has been unrelentingly busy, sorry!*

is actually the name if a character in The Family. but that's not what this post is about.

this is the last post of the 30 day challenge. it was off, took longer than it should have, and at times was less than interesting. but it is done, i met the challenge and finished it. i feel good about it and now i have a rhythm that i think i can keep. at least three times a week, i will find some bullshit to talk about. look forward to it.

'so what's the next adventure, kits?'

well, my babies, i'm gonna try for the 2lb challenge. the goal, lose two pounds a week. i dunno how, but i know i gotta start moving. i'm getting fat(ter).  we had some Wii consoles around the office this week and everyday i played one of the sports games. i've never been in the market for a Wii because most of their games are for kids i don't have any and i'm not particularly fond of playing kids games. however, i did move around a lot while playing those game and it was fun and challenging.

but buying a new system involves money that i honestly would rather spend on cosplay. and i have other free outlets. i just have to plan and do what i say i want to do and what i'm going to do. i need a little incentive, other than blogging and keeping myself accountable.

i read an article today previewing an interview with Terry Crews for Men's Fitness. his advice hits home, because it's exactly what i did for this blog challenge. just go, for 21 days, create the habit. he said you don't even have to work out. read a magazine, try a workout, watch other people exercise. but doing it, getting started, is the hardest part.

food, which i used to be able to manage, has become a bit of an issue. i've found myself eating a lot more these days. seconds of stuff or more snacking throughout the day. i'm not sure what to attribute it to; skyrim, boredom, depression. shit i hope it's not the last one, that's a horrible cycle to fall into. either way, i'm packing on the pounds because of it and i have to improve that when i get going.

i was going to say i'll start in november, but that's stupid. i read that article today, it's been on my mind a lot lately; i think this is a message from God to do better. like i said, he's pretty clear with me and i do my best to follow when i get the message. so, it's my weekend starting tomorrow. i'm gonna move. dance around like a boob for about half an hour. i've got a first generation ipod that i've been wanting to get some use out of. download some heavy beats, a little metal, maybe some dance music and get going.

and i'll blog as often as i can to let you know how it goes. stay with me...

29: next to last

hi

today i just want to hit on my mood the last month or so. i don't believe i'm depressed, but i have been showing symptoms. i can get out of bed, i can go through the day, i can function. but that's about it, just me going through the motions. i have little to no motivation to do more than lay in bed and play skyrim. i don't want to clean, i don't want to leave my house, i don't want to put clothes on or do my hair. i don't want to do anything.

i thought i would get a little peace and respite from my life tonight. i was planning on going to the spa and deflate. i was going to steep in the pools for about two hours, find a quite room to sleep and sweat, wake up when the 200 degree room was open and cook myself as long as i physically could. then cool off in the ice room before enjoying a breakfast of dim sum.

but about an hour ago i fucking flushed my debit card down the toilet. not on purpose, not some weird misguided protest. it squeezed out of my pocket as i turned to flush and walk out the stall. there was no time to save it. got a nice little cut trying though.

rotten luck with toilets this week...

so now i have to wait until next week to go to the spa. if i can hold on to $30 on my other debit card between now and then. it really adds to my stress level and list of shit i don't need.

i think God is testing me right now. not in a bad way, like i've been fucking up so long it's my punishment. but seeing how i handle the stuff i've dealt with the last month to see if i'm ready for the next big phase. i don't think i'm doing too well. but maybe He'll tell me where i need room for improvement, or be patient with me till i figure it out. He knows i'm usually a smart cookie. He and i have that kind of relationship. He tells me through signs exactly what He wants, and i do it. no vague 'maybe He means this, or maybe i should do that.' i asked Him a long time ago to be clear with me. give me recognizable, easy to understand signs, and i'll follow them. to date, He has not lacked in this request.

i went a bit deep there, sharing my faith in God. i'm not uber religious. i just believe that everyone should have faith in something, have something to look forward to or believe in. i have a personal relationship with God. just Him and me. some people revere the Goddess. some people are followers of Allah, Buddha, Ganesha, or nothing at all. and that's ok. i knock no one's faith or lack thereof. all i know is what works for me, so i stay the fuck in my lane.

i feel a bit better, getting this blog out. and i talked my little into loaning me gas money till friday. she's good for something sometimes tomorrow is my day off from work so i can't say if there will be a blog or not. hopefully so. maybe something amazing will happen or i will have some thought provoking moment. until then though, stay with me...

28: welp

apparently i am blowing up in france. thank you, or rather, merci.

so this must be an every other day blog now, since when i get busy, i only remember the next day that i didn't post. that kind of works for me.

work was horrible yesterday, so i went home drank 3/4 of a beer and fell asleep on skyrim. but i did this

today is only slightly better. but i have  no crafts to show for it. i've spent most of my shift making halloween backgrounds for my monitors. but damn do they look good.

anywho, about this blog. the challenge is winding down to an end. this post is from yesterday, i left work early yesterday and failed to finish it. but today is just as good.

'what's the next challenge, kits?'

not sure my babies, but i think it should be a fitness challenge. or a japanese challenge. i believe i've mentioned these things before. it needs to be something i need and want to do. lil bro will be leaving for japan in less than a week. and i certainly need to lose weight. so maybe getting fit for a trip to japan is the way to go.

i want to start with the language. a coworker of mine has Rosetta Stone for german, and even though i'm not learning that language, it may be fun to be language buddies, motivating each other to further our language education. she also wants to lose some lb's so we could probably do that too.

since she's started working together, we seem to be syncing up to do a lot of things. she also wants to play some dnd on our days off. and if i can help it, i will never turn down a dnd session. and who doesn't need new friends.

speaking of new friends, and i think i'm rambling a lot of free thought now, but it's good, makes up for all the days i barely posted a sentence, i've been in the market for a mate lately. i even prayed about it. something i have never done in regards to romance. but i was specific, so maybe, soon, my prayer will be answered. i'm looking and waiting for you, partner. my good, chubby, nerdy person who likes anime, video games and fat persons.

i think i'm done. maybe i'll remember to blog tomorrow. or have something so sensational to share that i won't forget. either way, there is more of the Cataclysm to come. so please, as always, stay with me...

27: fuck

forgot to blog again yesterday.

my days off are the worst. I tend to be busy when not strapped to a desk for 8 hrs.

today's been a day. went to the part time and had my annual review. I'm doing pretty good,  just need to be a little slower and make sure I get my bid badges right.

after work I hung with the lils till bro had to go to his recruiting office. we had a massive storm today, took out the power for over three hours. which was inconvenient as I had to get dressed for dinner at my moms in the dark(ish).

dinner was good though. a lot of people brought food by since my uncle passed, so impromptu family dinner. then, the ground beef exploded. a skillet of meat my mother was simmering literally exploded for no reason at all. it was a crazy massive mess that took an hour to clean.

came home and the lights were on, but the cable is out in the area.

wish today was more interesting than a diary entry, but hey, they can't all be wieners. try again tomorrow, stay with me...

26: tired

not of the blog challenge, though i will be glad to stop this numbering and just post every day or so.

tired of frikking work. the last two days have been absolutely ridiculous in this office and i'm tired of talking to stupid people.

also really ready for my weekend, although it looks like i'm gonna be busy with the lils wed and i have the part time thur. no rest for the motherfucking wicked.

i had stuff to say i'm sure, but i'm too damn tired to think. and i gotta get back to work. see you tomorrow, stay with me...

25

really rough day. started out alright. dropped if the lil, played to much skyrim.

but I was late getting out the house, didn't have time to get bill money gas or lunch. but I did go by my moms, where the second bad thing happened. well it happened Sunday night. my moms older brother died. he'd been in pretty bad shape for years, but it's just the way he died. and the way his succubus of a wife has been pretty much for the 25 years they were together. I blame her for all his problems, health issues, distance from the fam, and even his death. I'd beat her head raw if I could. but now that he's passed, I'm sure no one in iur clan will ever see her again, and she'll find another lonely guy to suck the life out of.

any who, after getting the bad news I still had to go to work, but now I have a headache from crying. and of course, it's Monday, we launched out new site at work and we were slammed with calls literally all day with people trying to get in and check on their stupid accounts. it was a long, irritating day.

and the last bit of rotten to the day? my mom's home health care client passed too. they called her Sweetheart. and she was, the cutest lil old lady who spent all her days thinking she was sewing. she was really, really sweet, and my mom took her out on a lot of adventures. I think I'll miss her as much as my uncle.

it's such a high stress time, I don't know why. so much happening, so much to do. my stress level is higher than it's been in a long time and I need to deflate to have energy, desire and motivation to do anything. I'm well overdue of a spa day, haven't been in months. I just feel toxic; I'm sore all over all the time, my head hurts almost daily, I'm irritable, have very little patience, and don't generally want to be bothered by the human race. it's pretty bad.

but hopefully things will calm down a little in November. and I can regroup and see clearly. things will get better. I know they will. they have to.

in the meantime, bluh...

more tomorrow. or later today, depending on your time zone. stay with me...

blog challenge 24: family

today we had a family dinner for my sister's and my birthday. my mom is an amazing ole skool cook and everything she makes is delish. we had chicken, mac n cheese, sweet potatoes, purple hull peas, meatloaf with mushroom sauce and cornbread. yummers city.

but the best part of the day? seeing my oldest brother who i almost never get to see. my brother is... a bit of jerk. and he's stubborn and tends to be reclusive. but he's a pretty decent guy and funny. he 's my dad's only son, so i want to keep in touch with him and keep tabs, so we don't fall out for years again. he was really sociable today, which at times has been difficult. but i think he enjoyed seeing both his sisters and my mom all at once. he told me several times to text or call him sometimes. i plan to. maybe even hang out with him and my sister sometime.

i love my slightly weird family. most of the time.

23

the challenge seems to be deteriorating near the end here, but I'm still gonna finish 30 posts. I think the habit is set enough to post more often than two or three times a month so, progress.

anywho, I know I go back and forth on the topic of romance, but today I'm feeling it and wouldn't mind a boo. not sure why I'm single with no prospects. but if I guessed, I'm either ugly or I don't get out enough.

I don't ask for much. just a nice nerd that likes anime, games, and fat chicks. and maybe make them easy on the eyes. other than that, I don't care too much. not that I'm desperate for anyoldbody, just saying I'm not shallow and sharing my interests is more important than looks.

makes me think of the lyrics to Nature Boy. I love the Bowie version from moulin rouge by the way...

There was a boy
A very strange enchanted boy
They say he wandered very far
Very far, over land and sea

A little shy and sad of eye
But very wise was he

And then one day, a magic day
He passed my way, and while we spoke
Of many things, fools and kings
This he said to me

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is just to love and be loved in return"

that would be kind of nice to know...

22: yesterday

was such an easy game to play.

didn't post yesterday either. was busy all day and when I remembered, I was too tired to fuck.

still super tired and I have dnd maps to make so this is the post for today. doubt I'll get another decent one in.

the last week or so has been subpar, I know, but the challenge and the month isn't over. do there may still be some quality content to come. stay with me...

blog challenge 21: stuff and such

still upset about that pic from yesterday. i will feel immensely better when i can get a darker blue and finish it. it's too pretty to be incomplete.

not a lot to report today, had a lot of stuff i wanted to run through but i've forgotten most of it. sad

today, bluh. just kind of going through motions lately. i'm in a funk and i'm not entirely sure why or how to get out of it.

been playing way too much skyrim. and a few creepy flash games; see the deepest sleep, deeper sleep and entity. all lots of fun and timely, as halloween is a lil over a month away. but as a cosplayer, halloween comes a lot more often for me.

anywho, i really hope tomorrow is better, i hope i have something interesting and insightful to say. the blog challenge was designed to train me to post more often, but they can't all be these empty, boring posts. next challenge. do better. well, actually the next challenge is to work out for 21 days, and after that, i feel i gotta tackle my japanese lessons for 21 days too. it's a process, one day at a time process to do better, be better.

oh, other news though. i hope to get a chapter of opus off to the editor beginning in october. so nervous and excited. but ready. the year is almost over. time to claim a piece of it, make it grow, put my future in it and watch it bloom. ooo, i like that. i may share it.

anywho, done. something more substantial tomorrow i hope. in the meantime, have a pic of... the first thing that comes up in google images for the word' pic'.

hilarious. more of this tomfoolery later, stay with me

blog 20: failure

so i've been coloring on a picture for two days at work and i love how it's turned out so far and i know the finished product will WOW. but i done goofed. and in planning the background, i didn't size the colors for the fade right, and didn't have enough colors. so now, i need a darker shade of blue to between the last one i used and the final color of black. this is not great concern except i have this insane driving need right now to get this finished. i don't; even want to take a pic to show my progress because it's an incomplete work and it's driving me just a little bit insane.

but i gotta stop. i can't fix the goof. i literally have to buy a darker blue to fade into the black. tie picture will go incomplete for a while. and i could absolutely cry.

blog. 19. yeah.

i forgot. and i really wanted to talk a little about depression and show off the coloring i spent most of the working on, even if it's not finished. but i ain't got time. so lots to to discuss, see and do tomorrow. stay with me...

blog challenge 18: more d'arts

the other thing i done did today

still a little bit of a struggle with proportions. the head is still a little too small and the torso still a little too long. my waterloo, both of them, i don't know why i can't master those. i guess my style is just long, rail thin bodies, but their heads still need to be the right size. i think this is pretty damn good nonetheless. and faces suck. but i eventually need to practice them a lot to get better.

that's all i got for today. i suppose the first post today made this more exciting that it actually is. there was something else i wanted to mention to but i forgot, so whatever. back again tomorrow, stay with me...

a thing

i did it. my last post was #100. a year and a half after i started. not the greatest record, but i did it.

i wish i'd paid more attention, i would have celebrated. but, we get better with each day.

this is not the blog challenge post, btw. i did a little art i'm proud of and i'll post it in a bit. stay with me...

blog challenge 17: overwhelmed

so, i want a house. with a yard. a fireplace. and an open kitchen. and at least three bedrooms. an extra dining and/or living area wouldn't hurt either. kind of like the house i grew up in.

i can afford a mortgage, no biggie. monthly payments to keep a roof over my dome i can do. i can even do the insurance. the property tax may sting a bit, but i'd figure something out.

what i don't have is an understanding of the frikking housing market. I can't do all the upfront fees and down payment. i can't pay a realtor, i can't even.

i'm going to hound my mother and a family friend for help, but i don't want it to end up being what they think i want/can afford. i don't want them to talk me out of a dream house because they think i can't cut it. i can.

i just want to pick a house, agree on monthly payments, and move the fuck in. but that is apparently impossible. and i understand it is literally a life long investment, and there is a lot of risk in buying a house for the owner. but i also know me and i don't want to be homeless with two animals and potentially a little sister. so i will bust my ass if i have to to keep a roof over my head.

i'm sick of apartment life. i'm tired of having neighbors (especially since my property manager lives above me, sheesh...). i want a yard for my doggie. i want an extra room that is actually a bedroom as opposed to an office/bedroom/game room. i want anything that's not a fucking galley kitchen. i want  proper dining room. i want to decorate. i don't wanna die in an apartment (not that i'm close to death, but i don't want to live in an apartment till i am either). i want my own space.

whoops

forgot to blog yesterday. I was tired. 

just went to work. came home and napped and watched Another. not a bad anime, but it had some flaws.

guess I'm going till the second of October now. official post for today layer. stay with me...

16

today is Wednesday. I was off, cleaned a little, cooked, hung out with the lil and her boyfie and played skyrim.

I have work on the morning and I don't want ro go. that is all.

more tomorrow I hope. stay with me...

blog challenge day 15: a soundtrack

just gonna give myself a little shout out for making it half way though the month with this challenge! also, i worked really hard on this post!

so i write, and a lot of the time, i listen to music as i do. or i listen to music in the car. or while i'm cooking or cleaning. basically several times a day music will be around me.

my current favorite genre is drum and bass, though i listen to a wide array of music. there's just something about the beat, the bass drop that makes me hard and dance like an idiot. i love every second of it.

along with all this music come stories in my head or scenes for the stories i've already started. so today i'm sharing a snippet of this soundtrack (13 songs and everything!) and a little bit about they stories they go with. this is gonna be fun, let's get started.

Track 1

'Madness'- Muse

This song is for my beautiful and turbulent lovers, Frank and Eo, in the novella Lanky Frank. if you're a follower (if you exist that is), i've posted a chapter or two from this one. it's nearly done and will be available in all it's magnificent glory at wordsbyknight.tumblr.com.

Track 2

'Hysteria'- Muse

(no they are not all Muse songs)

I'm a single person with a sweet tooth for romance, and this song is for another couple, Riot and Angel of The Family. I started The Family for NaNoWriMo a few years ago and i love the overall story and it's one of the few novels i have going that i know how it will end. Riot is the typical tragic back story and Angel is his savior. the theme of their relationship, chaos loves order. it's really true if you think about it.

Track 3

'Fall'- Daft Punk for the Tron Soundtrack

(a soundtrack on a soundrack? yes!)

First, Daft Punk is life. i've loved them for literal decades (fuck i sound old). And this soundtrack is gold from beginning to end, though i probably won't see the movie as i'm not terribly fond of remakes. But this song is so dramatic and amazing, it's perfect for the appearance of a really bad boss, like Dark Bink's caster device in Lanky Frank. That part hasn't been written, but when it is, and when you read it, oh ye hypothetical reader, you realize how big a deal it is thanks to this song.

Track 4

'Like a Criminal'- District 78

This song is also for Dark Bink. He's not the smartest, bravest or even most villainous antagonist, but he is a hardworking little shit. This song specifically makes me think of the robots he made with pistoning arms to erode a cave away in chapter 3 of Lanky Frank. It also reminds me of his ingenuity and his dedication to his work, however lackluster it may be.

Track 5

'Stompbox'- The Quemists

Another artist duo i absolutely love and follow like a crazy fangirl, and who i consider to be the true fathers of dubstep (love it or hate it, it's here to stay folks), before dubstep got overplayed, overused and shitty (hello pretentious me!). this song is for the yet untitled novel i have literally been writing for decade. it is, however, also completely planned out from beginning to end and the one novel above everything that i've written that i would love to see made into a movie. This song is for the big fight scene between the protagonist and her main antagonist. i've considered a lot of songs for this scene, even the infamous 'Clubbed to Death' by rob dougan (hey folks, this was a song way before the fucking Matrix made it popular. there's actually a movie with the same name that features the song first. just saying, pretentious me again!). but nothing fits it quite like 'Stompbox', especially the abrupt ending. want to know more about that novel, keep following, one day it will see the light of day!

Track 6 (bonus track)

(yes, in the middle of the soundtrack)

'Drop Bass'- Tim Ismag

i'm calling this a bonus track because honestly, it doesn't go to anything i've currently written, but it so fucking nasty and powerful, i know it could go to something eventually. I'm thinking a fight scene, maybe for my second in line novel, A Night in the Life. i believe i've posted part of it in this blog, but if not, you can find one of my fav excerpts here.

Track 7

'Closer'- Kings of Leon

From the first drum beat to the end, this song gets me wet. shit, seriously, wet. anyway, another band i love and adore, Kings of Leon. this spooky, sexy song is for my beloved Anidian, better known as the Queen of Sorrow in Lanky Frank. this song fits her profession as a vessel for sadness more than her brusque and vulgar appearance in Frank. there is another song i've envistoned for her as well, though (can't remember which at the mo, probably something by Muse), that i'll post here as well. maybe in the next soundtrack...

Track 8

'Renegade (feat Maxsta) '- The Qemists

another one by my precious behbehs for my beloved Frank. he is, a loose cannon, and this is his song through and through. there are a lot of good remixes of this song, but the lyrics in this original speak to Frank on some level (even though some of them kind of don't make sense. but whatever, it's a UK thing, i think).

Track 9

(the deleted track)

'2 Much 4 Ya'- District 78

to be honest, i kind of don't like this song. the vocals are... just... awful, they kill the vibe of the whole song for me. not the best from District 78. but it reminded me of a character at some point, probably my dark winged man Kabe, from A Night in the Life. but at this point, i would just like to forget i ever heard this one. track. deleted.

Track 10

'Ebla'- E.S. Posthumus

this is one of my fucking favs. the majesty, the mystery, the colossal sound of this song. This is for Riot and Angel as they swagger absolutely everywhere they go with their entourage in tow. Walking through their expansive homes, strutting into a business meeting, watching as goons shoot up the enemy lair; this plays all the time they work together. ugh, the love. this song has also be in a movie or two, as i believe E.S. Posthumus make epic movie music by trade. either way, they are amazing!

Track 11

'ShutEmDown'-Celldweller

so this song is definitely for Kabe. it's fierce, raw and violent, and kabe spends a lot of time shutting things down. this album and it's title are also intriguing to me. it's called "Soundtrack for the Voices in my Head," but some of the songs have become the soundtrack for the stories in my head. i'm not entirely convinced, by the title and the art on the cover, that this isn't actually a movie that i need to see. *update- nope, i was wrong. i have actually just been sleeping on Celldweller apparently. i need to catch up, they just dropped a new album*

Track 12

'The Funeral'- Band of Horses

the one sad song on the soundtrack. this one is so damn emotional, it perfect for, well, the actual funeral that is game changer in The Family. I hate spoilers, so i won't tell you who eats it, but this song is the protag's entire emotional scale before, during, and after the death. gives me happy chills really.

Track 13

'Sentinel'-Celldweller

so finishing off the list with my fav Celldweller song, 'Sentinel'. it's absolutely perfect for the protag of the unnamed novel. she's a genetically enginerred human who whas been created to assassinate a tyrant. along the way she has to learn what it means to be human and what it means to be a killer. the name of the song fits her because she is a guardian of the people around her and the song is inspiring in that way. but in the end, she is still a superior ass kicker, just like the ending of the song. love love love love love that i found this song and made it her anthem.

i've already got more songs lined up for the next writing soundtrack, but thats gonna have to wait until the next album. till then, stay with me...

blog challenge 14: real quick

i've actually been working on a really good post for today for about two hours. and it's not going to be done in time, so i'll post it tomorrow. but not to let the day go completely to waste, i painted my nails. i have really huge wrinkly man hands, but i do the best i can...

blog challenge day 13: art

practicing anatomy. not bad, but i'm still shitty at faces. and proportions. and shading. but whatever, that's why it's called practice.

may post again tonight if i think of something valuable to say. otherwise, stay with me...

blog challege day 12: self image

no, this post is not about my fat ass... this time.

it's about what i look like on the inside and the difference between what is in my head.

let's start with this... all my life i wanted lovely long hair and nails. for a long time, i didn't have either. i didn't really know how to take care of my hair and i bit my nails for years. after many scary and dark times, i now have long, pretty thick hair and natural nails that will scratch your face off.

mission accomplished.

i wanted these things because for a long time i identified them as things beautiful women have. breast, face, body and all that go with it, but to me, to be a really gorgeous woman, you had to have long hair and long nails. and that's what i thought i had to be.

thing is though, that's not what i am anymore. well, not what i identify as.

big admit here, first time in this forum: gender wise, i don't just identify as female. I'm actually non-binary, the pretty word i use for which being genderfluid.

this is no new thing, really. it's something i've always felt, but never gave a name or real thought to until the last few years. but i've always felt both masculine and feminine to varying degrees every day.

i can remember the first time i felt it. it's such a funny memory, but i know it's the root of my entire gender identity. i was a lil kid, maybe 3 or 4, and my parents and i were coming home one night from some event. we were on the second floor of the apartment building we lived in then. i remember going up the stairs before my mom and dad and my mom made the remark 'she should have been a boy.' there was probably context before or after that, but i know she didn't mean it maliciously. it was probably just something about the way i climbed the stairs or some aspect of my personality she saw in that moment. but when she said it, i remember thinking how much i would like that, being a boy.

i have kind masculine features, i think. i got a big head, feet, hands. probably more so if i wasn't as fat. i look a lot like my dad. but i couldn't "pass" for male, these titties are too big for that. though that's not something i want to do either. but i sound like a guy on the phone sometimes, and have been called sir. i don't mind though, i don't get offended (unless i'm feeling particularly feminine that day, but it passes pretty quick). i'd just like to incorporate masculinity and femininity in my daily life.  i don't want to be full on a guy all the time. i like being a girl a lot of the time. 'cause i'm gorgeous and it would be a waste to deny the world my womanhood.

i have however, over the years, crossdressed a little, played "the guy" in various roles, be it the male half of a couple or for a costume party. i have female sex, but i enjoy male mentality, masculinity. i like the way it makes me feel. that may be why i'm big on gay porn, yaoi and bara. there is a piece of me in it.

i refer to myself as a person, not male or female. i'm introducing more male clothes to my wardrobe for those really masculine days. even getting a binder to tame these huge tits a little. sometimes i'll be a boy with long hair and nails, or a girl that's a little bit manly. some days i won't feel anything at all. just a person, needless of labels. i like the idea of both as well as the in between. at this juncture in my life i want to be free to be both, changing and slipping between and in between genders like walking through a door. my gender is an open door.

more tomorrow, though probably not of this. stay with me...

day 11

i don't have shit to say today, kids. boring, mundane, ordinary day. i took this picture though

maybe tomorrow i'll be interesting, but really. don't hold your breath. but stay with me...

10

these titles have vastly deteriorated.

anywho, it was another raky long really hard, really busy day. aside from

my feet killing me right now, it wasn't bad. back to early mornings and back into the mines tomorrow though. yay

day 9

today was the day I talked about yesterday, busy from beginning to end. not too shabby. I'm tired but it was a mostly good day.

let's see what tomorrow brings, stay with me...

blog challenge day 8?: time

so i think i need an additonal hobby that takes up more time and involves leaving the house.

i game, i watch anime, movies and shows, i have cosplay from about october to may to deal with and cons to wear them to, in addition to working two jobs and trying to have some fraction of a social life.

i like being busy. leaving the house, doing things that are productive and i like. maybe stopping somewhere for a working lunch, hitting the street again, burning all day until dark, and coming home a little tired but happy. it makes the downtime of gaming and watching shit a little sweeter to me.

so what to do, where to go to be more engaged, have more human interaction and maybe more fulfilled? i dunno, shit, i gotta do research.

it has to be something i find interesting and takes up a good chunk of time. being cheap/free is a bonus to because while i want a new distraction, my other ones are already pretty damn expensive enough.

i dunno, i think i'll get with a friend or two and see what they know out there to do. google "free hobbies" or some shit. i don't know really what i want to do but i know i want to do something. maybe with kids, maybe with homeless, maybe even my old sorority. so many possibilities, i'm overwhelmed already and i haven't done shit yet.

i hope this doesn't turn into another of my "talk that shit" things where i get so pumped to go do something but never actually do it. everything is just 'do it, do it, do it. you only live once, live and do it, make a dream come true!' there's still a lot of hard work involved with all that however. but i know if it's worth it, it can be done.

kind of rambling now, kind of forgot where i was going with this and also another point i wanted to make. so i'll shut up now and consider this a successful post. also,  i took a picture of my face. i was trying to make my hair look like Major Hanji from Shingeki No Kyojin  (Attack on Titan for English speakers), but i don't have volumes and volumes of anime hair. but i think i turned out ok. what do you think?

like fucking twins

anyway, my computer is being bullshit and i'm having a conversation on tumblr, so i'm out. see ya tomorrow, stay with me...

blog challenge day 7

today's my birthday. nothing special about it whatsoever. spent all day in bed, bought myself dinner, went for a drive by myself. playing the sims till I get tired, then gonna shower, masturbate and call it a night.

thought about double posting to catch these numbers up, they annoy me being off like they are. but they really wouldn't count as days. so I'm just gonna be irked for the rest if the month. 

got nothing else to say. maybe tomorrow I will. stay with me...

blog challenge day 6: blogging

I drank enough apple flavored beers last night to be an actual Angry Orchard. been gassy as fuck all day.

anywho, party was great, met a lot if cool people including a published author. gonna pick her brain about getting these novels published.

forgot to post this earlier, but who cares, as long as I get 30 days straight of posts. so stay with me...

blog challenge 5: party

fast one so the day doesn't get away. two beers and two jellos shots later, this party is pretty nice.

I'm being social. go me. see ya tomorrow, stay with me

blog challenge day 4; weight

i blogged so early yesterday, i thought i missed it half way through the day.

anyway, today's talk, weight. i've gained a lot of it recently. and while i've discussed this issue before, it's so prevalent in my daily life, it's one of those things i won't ever stop talking about.

'what brings this on again, kits?'

well, my birthday is in three days. and for whatever reason, i always feel the need for a rebirth, to do better, around my birthday. this year, same. i want to eat better, move more, lose the gut.

i want so hard.

and i usually start strong. a good, solid week of progress. then i 'cheat' or slip up, or completely jump the fuck off the wagon. and all is forgotten for another six months to a year.

i don't know why, i just can't do it. but i still want so hard.

i'm going to start again because hell, something is better than nothing. i'm not even going to shoot for a stereotypical 'beach body', whatever that is. if you're at a beach, you're a beach body, no matter what your weight or shape. i'm just gonna shoot for a pound or two a week. after six months, that's 24 flipping pounds. i'd be pretty proud of that. if i can keep it up, a year later, 1/6th of me gone. all i got is time and nothing to lose. except pounds, of course.

the game plan this go around should be a little easier to accomplish. the lil has an early morning job now. so she's out by 6am, meaning i'll have the house to myself all morning and afternoon before work. i'll be more at ease to shake my ass a little. i like to dance. i think that as an exercise would the best to sustain me, since i get so incredibly bored with repetitive ass actions.

food. food food food food food. eat less of it? eat less crap. this is hard, with the little, but i will try.

i dunno, i just... i just want to lose some of this muffin top and pooch beneath it. work the core, dammit. and loose this froggy chin i've developed. everything else will fall into place, i think.
we'll see. start monday, sep 8th, my birthday. see what happens from there. stay with me...