Thursday, December 31, 2015

feel like a chat...

it's New Year's Eve. I'm going to Oklahoma tonight with my sis and her son to winstar. that's cool and everything.  I'm glad to be getting out the house and doing something different.

the lil annoyed me though. wanted to lay up in my house tonight with her boyfriend. nope! you are the shittiest roommate and houseguest ever. so you're not allowed unless I'm there and consenting. I do not give consent.

in other news, I asked j about his shitty cowboy tickets and he made a remark about the DM. I replied with confusion, hoping for clarification. he did not clarify. whatever. DM had his chance.

it's a new year. 2015 was shitty to me for eight months. this year, I'm pampering the fuck out of myself. I'm going to be more selfish of myself and my time more than ever. no one else is going to take care of me but me, fuck them. so it's about time that I do it.

2016 spring break is going to be too short to do anything, but 2017, week vaca, I want to do some traveling. hell, maybe even a little the end of 2016. this is my one go round, I don't want to die completely boring.

well, I didn't have anything of real value to say, that's it. stay with me...

Sunday, December 27, 2015

wait a minute...

I just had a thought so profound I had to sit myself down and think about it.

scrolling through Facebook real quick, just to check the latest statuses and saw a friend announce her second pregnancy. another friend is teaching her toddler life lessons. another friend post daily the stage of her pregnancy. and I'm over here, single and childless like 

then it occurred to me what all these women have in common. they are all white (one is Hispanic, but married to a white dude and isn't very ethnic, so we gone call her white too, cause she ain't black. see my point below).

all happily married, settled, mothering. of my black friends, of which there is approximately an equal amount, I can count the married ones on one hand, and  there are a few single moms. the rest, the majority, single/divorced, no kids. it's not just me. it's just black women in general. why don't people want us?

there have been sooo many discussions about who the black women is. what the black woman means and stands for, the stereotypes and the need for redefinition of the black woman. I can't even deal right now with the simple thought that me, personally, have to coon and shine with just about everyone I know to be accepted. as an Afro-weirdo , their is no singular safe category I can fit into. with whites, I'm the token. with blacks, I more or less have to disregard my own interests.

but that's me, I'm not normal to start with. let's expand this thought. professional black women. bless you if you're there, girl. but let me recognize your struggle. you got there, through hard work and sheer determination, you're being recognized and awarded what you are due. but you still have to constantly prove yourself capable, because as a black women you are expected to either pop off and go 'angry black woman', slack off, or get knocked up, reducing your effectiveness in the workplace, none of which are valid, but that is the expectation, the belief.

let's visit the other end of the spectrum, the disadvantaged black woman. you already have it hard, maybe living ina poor economic situation, bad home life, abused perhaps. the expectation for any other race would be 'you're at the bottom, the only place to go is up!', thus pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and getting to a better state any way you can. but not for black women. with us, it's 'you're at the bottom, but let's see how much deeper you can go', the implication being that you're already disenfranchised, make it worse by having six kids by five men, do drugs and hook to survive.
what does this have to do with relationships and babies, kits? well I'm glad you asked, so let me tell you. this is why my black friends are mostly single or single moms. black women are the most  discriminated against group amongst Americans. now the caveat to this is that in the current political climate Muslims have it very rough any manyof them are fearful of the direction the country is headed. but even they have a definable place. peaceful hater of Islamic terrorists, or terrorist supporters. back to the black woman, though, where the fuck do we belong? we don't support each other as the beautiful sisters that we are, we struggle to find support among our black men, we are shunned if we find acceptance from another race or culture, and there is the ever present expectation of explosive or erratic behavior from us. where the fuck are supposed to go and what are we supposed to do in the constant crossfire?

I don't know. I'm just a lonely, fat, single black person. I'm just tired of being the girl outside while everyone else around me lives these beautiful amazing lives.. whatever, rant over. stay with me...

Saturday, December 19, 2015


I'm ok, really ok. and I'm glad about it. do I wish things had gone a different way, sure. but I'm also getting past the irrational behavior and just doing me. someday my nerd will come, I guess, I hope. in the meantime, I'm ok.

Sunday, December 6, 2015


so today wasn't too bad. I'm still upset and angry and confused an unhappy about last night. but family and friends made me feel a special.

went to church, helped out a lot, got free food. a middle aged church lady needed to go to a popular beauty supply store and asked if I wanted to come with. I agreed, and we spent a lot of time talking and just enjoying the day. she even offered to buy me very expensive hair. which I declined for now, seeing as I know a fair amount about her financial situation and she's having major surgery later this week. but she promised to buy it during tax season.

while we were wrapping up our shopping, my sister called and invited me to try a restaurant we've been talking about for months. so a few hours later she picks me up and we drive to the spot. this place is wild. very ethnic and at the time we get there, bumping like a night club. it is an unusual business model: the serve daquaris of all flavours in plastic jugs, along with various creole Cajun foods. it's run by people from Louisiana, and tonight they have watch parties for New Orleans Saints games, who won tonight. we get to the counter and my sister pays for my drink and I use the ten the church lady gave me to buy a meal. I got the second size in their line up, Allen the professional, a quart of your daquaris choice

this thing was freezing and strong as hell. mine is the orange one and it didn't make it much past that before we left the restaurant. but it's cool, because here's the wildest part about this place: in Texas, you can't leave a business that serves alcohol in an open container. no straws, sippy cups, styrafoam, none of that. this place gets around that rule by resealing your jug with a new cap as you leave. so even if you down half of it, if a cop looks at it, the can't call it an open container because the seal isn't broken. because we drink frequently and heavily, I'm going to get a half gallon for our next game night.

speaking of...

so I had a good time today,despite last night's meltdown. at this point, I just don't get the DM. I went into last night with everything turned off. no flirting, no emotion; just a chick playing dnd at a dudes house. but he was back at the weird flirty thing again. and he stared at me all night. I caught him once and the look on his eye was just... pure desire.  and then he looked away. I just want to know what the deal is. that's all I've ever wanted. but this man is a riddle wrapped in a mystery wrapped in an enigma.

I could go on more because I'm so perturbed by his behaviour. but I've also had a long day and I'm sleepy.

I'm sure you want off this coaster but please, stay with me...

Saturday, December 5, 2015


I stress and you sleep.

how fair is that?

but I keep doing it to myself. I literally am my own worst enemy.

but why?

I try so hard, I mean really hard to get past this stupid phase. but seeing you every two weeks keeps it flooding back.

sokay, schedules are about to get complicated. so maybe it is time for a break. because I hate feeling this way every time I leave his house. like a fool, a stupid, fat, desperate fool.

I'm going to bed, alone and sad again.


I'm so fucking weird...

Friday, December 4, 2015

how are you feeling?

alright, how are you?

mental health today. common topic, here's today's spin.

mental health is so important for me. and it pisses me off when people self diagnose on fucking Google. honestly, I don't want to rant about that. let's discuss my mental health.

I want to learn to properly meditate. I find that other than sleep, I never really stop and not think. I overthink. everything, all the time. and my mind stays so full with all the things I need to do, want to do, can't do. and the world and the people in it are so shitty and I hate feeling that way about almost everything everyday. I need time to not think. feel my true self in the universe as God and nature intended. I need time to just be and exist in one moment and feel at least ok. I should start my research tonight...

stay with me, see if I gain any ground on this new enterprise...

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

I hate you

you make it very difficult to get over you when you send random texts...