Friday, November 27, 2015

I dunno

weird, long day.

spent a decent thanksgiving with my older sister's family. we left this morning early, she had work. we got back, ran a few errands and I was home by 10. the lil and her crew were jammin up my house, since they apparently can't hang out anywhere else but here. anywho, I took a couple of the knuckleheads to Walmart, had an adventure, got some food and came home. in like 45 mins of me finishing the dark crystal and another 10-15 of fighting Netflix to find something else to watch, all hell quietly broke loose.

the kids were in and out the door and I finally asked the lil if her beau went to the car. I left my charger out there and I though he could be a champ and get it for me. she didn't know where he was, and after one more in and out, she got fed up and stopped looking for him. my phone was on 20% so I just braved the cold and went to get the charger my damn self. as I'm going to the car, he comes walking down the sidewalk. I tell him the lil is flipping her shit looking for him, but I glean from his face, he needed a few to himself. I think no biggie, the kids fight all the time. I keep fooling around online and eventually decide to play the game beau and their other friend was telling me about. but when I go to ask him about the game, the lil is crying in the living room, the beau looks like he's packing, her bestie is huddled in a corner and the other knucklehead is nowhere to be found. the air is heavy and I go back to bullshitting online. an hour or so passes and after much murmuring and whimpering and shit, I scope the scene by turning the heat off. in my effort to stay out of the situation, I was damn near cooking my bacon. I find the beau staring at the lil who is balled up next to the laundry closet door and again I just excuse myself out. soon yet another friend of theirs shows up and the beau leaves with him. finally I try to broach the subject with the lil, but she's crazy distraught and her bestie is not giving up any answers. I fear the kids have parted ways. I checked their relationship statuses for a while and nothing's changed, but the beau posted a cryptic message, then finally messaged me about all his shit in my house. so I just asked him, and confirmed, they broke up. all in the time it took to get tacos and eat them. I wouldn't mind the details, but at the same time, I don't care. they are kids. and will probably be back together in a matter of a week because they are literally all the other person has. and if not, oh fucking well. they are 20. they got plenty of life to find new love. unlike some  of us.

I say all this to express a little bit of how weird a day this is and how it feels. I was planning on going to the spa tonight, despite no one I asked being able to go, but now I don't know. feels like bad juju to leave the house tonight. which sucks after I planned for this all month. I just feel anxious.

I felt like this Tuesday too, and it made me think about the DM. I've flipped all over from angry to sad to confused,daily, several times a day. today, mostly confused. I won't beat the dead horse, but he just showed so many overt signs of interest, what the hell made him shut it off when the fucking time came?

dunno, whatever. his fucking loss I guess. just a wild weird day, disappointing week. just- ugh. gonna finish this movie and probably call it an early night. suddenly back to pissed.

stay with me...

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

single and disappointed

and so I shal forever remain.

the DM thing was a nice lil distraction of sorts, but now that that's over, still single, waiting on my one true nerd.

but I think about it, I'm probably not going to meet him at this point. I'm frikking 34, yo.

and I don't know how to date or meet people, so I do awkward, insane shit like what I just came out of. doing so with every person I'm remotely interested in is not healthy.

and I don't know the alternative either. sooo- buttons. I don't have a solution. I really don't want to Internet date, being set up sucks, and I don't meet/attract people I'd be interested in.

poor stupid fat me, I guess.

let me get these fortress windows polished up pretty. gonna be staring out of them for a long time.

stay with me, one day soon I'll be interesting...

Tuesday, November 24, 2015


nah, nothing happened.

and nothing will. no vibe whatsoever. he almost rushed me out the door when I got there. ate tuna for dinner, stood in the kitchen while the dogs ate, generally kept his distance and did not invite me back. cool! that's all the confirmation I needed! now I can relax and not feel weird anymore. eventually this crush shit will die out and I can resume- well, normality I guess, whatever the hell that is in my world.

I want to speculate why I'm not his cup of tea, but that's dangerous thinking. I'll just chalk it up to too young or too fat.

anywho, so ends crushgate. it was a weird, wild distraction for a few months. on to the next one!

stay with me to see what madcap tomfoolery I get into next...


whyyy? the fuck is wrong with me?!

so Saturday, D&D, per the usual, I made food and the DM offered to clean the pot I brought. why not, less work for me and I don't immediately need that pot. i say cool, and if I need it, I know where you live. he offhandedly says come by any time. I also bought the rest of a bottle of liquor, which I wanted to keep. I texted him Sunday just to see if he kept it. he did and asked if I wanted to come and get it. I went gooey. this is not the first invitation I've received to just 'come over.' more like the third or fourth. but I was steadfast and told him I couldn't come that day because I was attending a wake. which, turns out, I was totally too lazy to actually go to. and I knew he was playing on Monday via Skype with some people? the way he talked about them, he knew them, but not overly well. so I says I don't want to interrupt his game, so I'll come by after work Tuesday. today. and now I'm a bundle of fucking giddy school girl nerves. and it's only 8:40 in the damn morning. I don't know what to fucking expect, I don't know what to do, how long to stay. just, a shit storm of thoughts and probably misplaced emotion. and the lady time just ended, so I'm in my feelings too. I want to vomit and masturbate. not at the same time and not necessarily in that order. this should not be that big a deal. just a brief social call to shoot the shit and get my stuff out of his house, that's all. but, it will also be the first time we've been alone without risk of interruption. and I don't  know what he's thinking. I don't think he'll jump me, but, I just don't know anything. I need a game plan, a face to wear, an attitude to have. I'm not going to rush in and out, that would be rude. I can't stay all night either though, I got work in the morning. I am just sooo weird right now I can't even fully function. I'm scattered as fuck and so nervous! I can't stop smiling for no damn good reason. legit, I don't know where his head is at, so he may just want company. I kind of think he gets lonely  out there with just the dogs. I can relate. when I don't have a full social calendar, I've spent a lonely night or two on Netflix.

ok, whatevs, just need to go in like I always do, expecting nothing. just normal kits, friendly and polite. that way I cant be disappointed. maybe just surprised if something should happen. pleasantly surprised. but I won't expect it or look forward to it.

but I'm going on the record as saying if he kisses me, I'm going to lose my shit.

more of this absolute insanity when I get home tonight. stay with me...

Friday, November 20, 2015

even keel

it's the lady time again.

trying not to get overly emotional as is my nature. especially with so many emotional things going on. the world is hell on earth. people k know are passing away and done if the remaining ones are falling ill. I've got my own worries and life to deal with. everything is a horrible ball of confusion. but I'm not crying like crazy and I seem to be pretty balanced. for now. but I'm also pretty sleepy so that might be a reason. 

I thought I was going to say more or be more insightful. but I kind of don't care, or the sleep thing, or I really didn't have anything to say in the first place. so I guess that's it.

I gotta figure out a way to be more interesting. stay with me anyway...

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

this is the end

or very close to it.

this thing is almost dead. not that it hasn't put up one hell of a fight, but it's last breaths are drawing near.

just one more nail in the coffin so it can finally be buried and laid to rest.

going to be interesting to be on the other side of this. not good or bad, just interesting.

come on, DM, kill my dreams this weekend...

Wednesday, November 11, 2015


so, in the last twelve hours i have been really good at talkng myself out of liking the DM.

last night i researched alcohol and diabetes. not that he drinks too much, all the time, but alcohol loads a body up on carbs and sugar, things a diabetic doesn't need. and his overall health would be described as fair at best. I saw the struggles a spouse can undertake with a partner in their decline with my parents. I like the DM a lot, I really do. but I don't know if I could physically and emotionally handle all that.

this morning ive been convincing myself that just because I am a black female, that doesnt mean im his type. too young, too fat, too offensive, too loud. i dont know what he wants in a woman, so i cant assume to be it. so far, this feels to be working.

im also not going to be in contact with him prior to our next session. stave the thirst by not texting about random stupid unnecessary shit. i do have an idea/opinion about his renaissance costume. but that can legitimately wait till i see him again.

reason is winning these days. despite my constant fantasizing, im slowly coming to grips that this aint gonna happen or work, on several levels. its disappointing, and the alternative sucks, but I have to be more grounded in reality, again, despite how much it sucks.

so wait for the flip flop or gauge my progress. either way, stay with me...

Sunday, November 8, 2015


the fantasy is all I have from day to day. until the moment. in the moment, reality and fantasy merge and I believe anything is possible. but after the moment, when reality seeps back in and the fantasy is unfulfilled, the darkest sadness comes on. to combat the sadness, I return to the fantasy. and, despite knowing it's all a terrible delusion, I feel better. for a while, for the most part. then the cycle repeats itself in a fortnight.

I want out of this vicious loop. I want reality to destroy the fantasy or the fantasy to become reality. this limbo is more than I can stand

as I lamented my insecurities via social media, I was told this by a friend:

You just have to put it in the right me it can still be done!!!

so all day I 've pondered just saying. just putting myself on the line, come what may. I wrote out what I'd say, because I was feeling very nearly stupid enough to say them. they are written, but remain unsaid. and may be so for eternity.

reread those words, a few days later, after a little tweaking, and they still sound very stupid. I can't seem to make my thirst sound casual. this upsets me a bit, as I pride myself on being somewhat of a wordsmith. guess that's why some things are better left unsaid.

with that being said, I'm gonna post this days old, rambling ass post. stay with me..,

Saturday, November 7, 2015


don't have hopes or dreams kids. they only die.

it's like a horrible drug. I don't want to take it any more. I know it's bad for me, I know it's killing me. but I cannot stop

I'm so sad and pathetic.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

fog clearing

I feel like drawing today. I have a lovely photo that I'm using for one of my monitor backgrounds at work

so peaceful,beautiful and serene...

I'm not great at perspective but I feel like trying to recreate it with pencil and paper. this is a great feeling, the desire to create. hell any feeling other than "bed and Netflix" is a good feeling.

the last few days I've slowly but surely been more motivated to live my life. tonight, I tackle the full kitchen, top to bottom. probably won't finish though. the last two days I've done laundry. I've even done a little cleaning in my room.

I don't know why, but the heavy oppression that made me feel inhuman the last few months is lifting, I think.

I hope so. the high that comes with some sense of accomplishment feels good. certainly hope it lasts.

stay with me...

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

what's going on today?

I've been a jealous, salty bitch all day. first I was jeally because everyone in the break room was either on the phone or talkin in little cliques. I sat on the side and wrote a little. it is nanowrimo, after all.

then this afternoon I was salty because everyone kept talking about how cute this broad dresses and how she never wears the same thing twice. well, aside from my shoes, since I literally have none, neither have I. maybe twice in three months. but no, I don't dress cute. that shit is reserved for skinny broads and well-to-do fat broads. I ain't neither.

not sure what's got me acting like this today. most time I literally give no fucks what other people are doing or saying. today though, everything and everyone is niggling at my loneliness and insecurities.

in other news, I just want to talk to or see the DM. legit, no moves. just hang out. thing is, I know it's just an ask away. really, this man will do anything for me, I need only say the world. without any suggestion or inclination on my part, he offered his house for my other D&D group. he knows none of the players (only one he will meet this weekend), but is ok with them coming into his home with his dogs. I see it and hear it almost every time we interact. I could so easily exploit it if I wanted to. but I don't want that. I want him. he just has to say the word.

alright, done. but have some music, and consider staying with me...

Monday, November 2, 2015


I'm writing the definitive guide to zompocalypse.

gonna enjoy this...