Monday, August 31, 2015

I've done it

I've found the thing that will keep me falling for the dm. these 'flirtations' occurred after he'd been drinking. I don't mind the drink, he's an adult and knows how to take care of himself, limits and all that. so it's probably a case of beer goggles and me being the only 'single' woman there. quotes because I don't know if he knows the status of my friends relationship. almost sure he does though.

anywho, drunken flirts don't count, so until I see him interested while sober, Saturday was just talk.

where does that leave me? two internet guys. one whom I'm starting to think is an untreated bipolar, and some other random joker who I think is cat fishing. good thing it's the fake email I gave him.

oh well. it was fun to think about for a couple of days. Crushgate continues I suppose? either way, stay with me...

Sunday, August 30, 2015

where we are in the world

of my many current concerns, many are much more pressing than tonight's topic. but I don't even want to burden myself with thinking about them, so I'll go with the lighter topic.

there may be something brewing between me and the DM. I'm not getting my hopes up. but last night's game was... intriguing. lots of little comments and a few questions about me. and I found he has a preference for women of color.

this is all circumstantial, sound and fury, not signifying a whole lot. toward the end of the night though, he invited me to his pirate party in a few weeks. it was suggestive, and I liked it. a lot. I don't think I conveyed my interest though. I feel it's both to early since I've confirmed or denied nothing. yet I also feel I should have, to kind of throw it out there to see if he bites. shit I certainly hope so, in every sense possible. but I digress!

I did make an off hand remark about him getting a new roommate when one of our other players mentioned a large spider outside. I did not fully get his reaction since we were all talking at once about the spider.

I feel like a dumb little kid, crushing so hard and not having the gall to tell the person in question. and I feel this will end fatally like every other crush I've EVER had. but at the same time it's kind of fun and cute to imagine what could be. I dunno; I like the guy. I just hope he finds something endearing about my big ole fat weird ass too.

more weirdness and bullshit later. stay with me...

Thursday, August 27, 2015

just thinking...

I'm fat. no denying it, not terribly ashamed of it.

but it's kind of an ugly fat. it's not the pretty round stretch mark free kind if fat that you see in body positive promotions.

my stomach looks like branches of a dead tree. my tits hang. my thighs are rubbery bags of cottage cheese. I have no ass. got bat wings and a couple of chins.

but I'm pretty enough, fully clothed, and I clean up real nice. just, fat, still. dont know why I'm thinking or writing about this. just marinating in an insecurity I suppose.

if I grinded, really busted my ass to work out, the weight would drop off, tine up my most problem of broken areas. i know this. I just don't have the motivation or, currently, outlet. I wanna dance my ass off. but I live in a second floor apartment, and I ain't "that neighbor."

there is a place close to work that does a discount on adult dance classes because of my job. once my money is back in order, I really want to sign up. except it will be really tough to fit in my schedule. but, it might be a sacrice I have to make. seriously thinking about it.

I don't have shit else of value to say. till next time, stay with me...

Saturday, August 22, 2015

what the fuck is wrong with me?

I don't like talking to people.

this isn't job related. this is me, adult human person more or less unhappy and uncomfortable talking to people. especially people I don't know or don't know well. I literally want them to shut up. why are you still talking, I've contributed all I'm willing to this conversation. do all people talk this much and unnecessarily?

I'm of the mind to adopt the Newspeak of 1984. talk in acronyms and only what's necessary. Christ I hate small talk and jibber jabber. it's why I don't talk to friends or loved ones for long periods of time because I just don't have anything to say to you unless it's important. why am I expected to do more?

I'm social and can hold a conversation. it's not that I'm incapable or hate people. I just do not feel the need for extraneous bullshit.

this has now causes me problems with the internet guy. he REALLY wants to call me. has for about a month now. and it freaks me out. we have no shortage of tomfoolery to talk about online, but what do you want me to say on the phone? I'm not the soft squishy type. I'm not a chatterbox. what exact can we get accomplished do I can get off this phone?

had a small panic attack before I 'conceded' and gave him my number. not the fake 972-fuc-koff. told him not to call immediately. or have high expectations either. because he shouldn't, because I dont like talking.

one tiny brick comes out of the wall. i'm scared as fuck, honestly. but I take a little consolation that it's just one and not all of my hard built walls crashing in on me at once. literally anything will happen at this point. either we grow and fall in love, life will change. either we decide to just be friends, life will change. either we end up hating each other, life will change. or we drift away, life will change then too.

I suppose I'm mostly afraid of the change, not knowing what it will be. not terribly healthy, but better than not trying anything old and continuing to stagnate.

still, I can't stop thinking about the dm. honestly, one nod in my direction and I won't remember this internet guy. I've got it a bit bad for him really. good thing he's out of town this weekend, gives me time to cool my drawers. probably need to try to dail it back a bit, start looking for negatives to counteract my crush. for one, he's diabetic. and while that's not normally life threatening and he is controlling it, disease and sickness make me nervous in a relationship. room for personal growth, really...

alright, time to go back to the Internet convo, see if I've talked my way out of another relationship...

probably need to re-evaluate this tag line, but until then, stay with me...

Saturday, August 15, 2015


I am a grown ass woman with a crush. I am too old for this middle school, he loves me he loves me not, senpai notice me shit. yet here I am!

I kind of like my DM. he's short cute funny a huge fucking old ass nerd, loves dogs and has his shit together. 

I love going to his house, playing the game he runs, listening to and watching him be a goof for the benefit of the game. I think about him when we don't even play. I can not believe how hard im crushing!

but nothing must ever come if it. the dynamic would be ruined. he's such a good guy if anything came to pass (which it almost definety wouldn't because I'm too fucked up to be with a person romantically), I would be able to show my face at that game again and I would miss it like crazy.

so like everything else in life I'll bottle it down, try my best to suppress the notion until it goes away, or at least it's not always on my mind, or until he does something so fucked up I can't deal. kind of hope that happens first.

too tired to keep typing. stay with me to see where this Crushgate goes...

Sunday, August 9, 2015


fucking period is making me emotional and stupid...

whine piss moan

outside outside outside
always the laughing singing dancing puppet
doing all the motions

inside quiet alone scared lonely.

I despise the inside. there is no way out.

join me in the inside of you dare. none do.

why? why me? why not me? am I too gruesome to be believed? only to be seen outside, laughing singing dancing?

am I not vulnerable, too secure, not dependant, not a suckling? why should I have to be?

I don't get it. what is the formula, what is the answer? why can't I figure it out? I'm not stupid, but why don't I understand?

what am I waiting for? why do I have to wait? have I missed it? is it ever even going to come?

as the day grows ever later with each passing second minute hour day week month year, I fear, it will not.

locked inside, quiet alone scared lonely and unhappy...