Saturday, October 31, 2015


I really don't know what I was thinking. yes I do, actually. I was being that thirsty bitch that wil go for almost anyone that pays more two seconds of attention to me. I talk shit about bitches like that. I can't turn into one.

he's such a sweet silly man. and he will go out of his way to do anything for me.

but he doesn't move the way I move. so even as much as I like him, we're just never going to be.

gonna resume my place behind my slightly dirty window and smile as the walls rebuild themselves.


Thursday, October 29, 2015

I am a shade

shimmering, barely visible on the outside of life

getting worse

one, Facebook shouldn't be your life or primary method of communication with other adult human beings. grow up.

two, u can't tell you how to grieve, but after 10, 12 years, you skills have moved on by now. think about them, miss them, yes, but your whole day, week or month  should not be fucked up because you miss a deceased loved one.

I might go home early. I am in a very piss poor headspace...

a little later

guy randomly told me 'today is going to be a great day' as I left the break room this morning. I politely replied that I hope so. internally I was like nah, fuck you, guy.

either way, I've been really stupid for the last few months. been way more nays than yeas. fuck you too, DM, fuck you too.

I feel like quitting D&D, but I don't have any other games going right now, which sucks. my cohorts need to get their shit back together.

one more thing, before I get back to work, there's this from yesterday. getting more accurate by the minute...
literally starting to hate people, which is upsetting when I used to love them and find them fascinating. so if I seem distant, unconcerned or apathetic, it's because everyone is a cesspool of lies and hate. I will gladly take solitude and fantasy over reality and the excrement that is society...


I waffle back and forth every week. but I have to reiterate how tired I am.

I don't think I'm gonna pursue the DM any more. I mean really, he's not getting any of my hints, responding to my flirts. I know I'm not doing any of them well but fuck's sake; you're a grown ass man that has been in some number of romantic relationships. do I literally have to throw my vagina at you to get you to notice? actually I kind of might have to, based on something he said before, but I digress...

I say this, and as soon as I look at his scrawny little pale face I'll think how handsome he is and go gooey again. but I don't think I can put in the effort anymore. especially since I'm getting no reciprocation at all.

then there's the other notion that he gets it but isn't interested. which just makes him a bastard for flirting with me. maybe, I don't know, I don't know how to romance.

or he gets it and he's interested but won't make the leap, for whatever reason. which would also be annoying. because really, why the hell not? get some balls, accept rejection if it comes. it wouldn't, but he don't know that.

yet as I say that, I am the same. I lack balls and conviction and I remain in a state of terror at what the response would be.

but he's an older guy with what I would assume are 'old fashioned' ideals that a guy should pursue a lady, date and marry her. yet he's also been married to an awful woman, apparently, for a relatively short time. he may just be playing the field for, approximately nine years. whatever, again, I don't know how this shit works.

it's weird, I think about the lil and her beau, how they just kind of fell into a relationship. nothing grand and magical. maybe it's supposed to be like that. every relationship is different I guess?. every whatever this is is different too. so be it resolved, again: if he makes moves great. if not, I just gotta deal. no more going out of my way for any of this. I probably look stupid or standoffish, but, really, it's his game. choose he how he will to play it.

it's not about me. I've already resigned myself to a life of solitude. but I wouldn't mind riding along with someone else if they would have me.

it's always been that way, I realise. I don't go out of my way to do or say anything to anyone out of a feeling, for lack of a better word, of being an imposition,or unwanted.

i've never been wanted. the sad revelations are coming home to roost on this early morning commute. I won't get into details, but I don't think I've been genuinely wanted. occasionally people don't mind my company, but I've never felt anyone say, 'it's you, you have to be there with me.'

also, I spend probably more time than I should in fear, especially fear of 'what if'.

these are probably some of the reasons I'm alone. just some...

whatever. I need some music now. no tag line, not for this one. this post is desperate enough as is...

Sunday, October 25, 2015

really, really tired

i am a drama and, to the best of my ability, stress free person.

but these silly ass white boys are working my nerves.

so the end to the debacle yesterday was as follows:

I asked j around 7 last night what the DM's response was to him saying he wasn't coming today. he hadn't talked to him, so I said let me know.

I went out last night, had a great time (I'm awesome at pictionary!), but no word from j. this morning I go to church, get drafted into a new role there, and at 11:12, minutes before I'm supposed to be somewhere, I text the DM and tell him j ain't coming. I phrased it with finality, hoping he would offer an alternative. he messaged back "Ahhh ok" at 11:25. but when i checked my stupid Facebook messenger, lo and behold, j messaged me at 11:16 saying he told the DM. 

no you didn't. you got told. I don't know what their conversation was. don't give a damn. they have annoyed the unholy fuck out of me these two days with this foolishness.

j knew Friday he wasn't going sunday. he should have just said that on Friday. and the DM should have just let it go this week. if you wanted to see me, you should have just said so and stop covering behind D&D and j. this has all left me a little sour with both of them 

it's Sunday. I'm tired, hungry and annoyed. I need to deflate; first a nap, then a snack and a little cleaning, after that I feel like playing a game. and hopefully I can get over this aggravation and go into the coming week bright eyes and motivated. hopefully...

if you can stand some more ridiculous  disappointment, stay with me...

Saturday, October 24, 2015

wtf now...

so new, weird things have come to light and it looks like the DM may have manipulated/guilted j into showing up tomorrow.

j says he is passive aggressive. to me, this is a form of manipulation and manipulation does not bode well with me at all. and above all, I hate drama. there's no need for that kind of foolishness, everyone involved is a fucking adult, so act like it.

I can understand the logic, a little. I feel, after this week, like this is the DM doing what he can to see me (or I'm full of myself and shit and he just likes to get his way) without it being obvious he wants to see me. playing it cool, so to speak.

but, you're in you are mid fourties, guy. we literally don't have time for this shit; the time for coy games is well over.

so I'm in a tiny predicament. I need to know where the DM's head is at. is he planning on waiting till I show up tomorrow to tell me j's not coming, or message me before hand? I believe (at least I want to believe) that he will have the polite decency to say that it would just be me, if I still wanted to come. to which I would gladly say yes and we could finally get some one on one time. but if he didn't, I don't know how I would handle the level of pissed I would be.

so I must be proactive, I must have a plan. Team Virgo. I'm going to text j back later and ask what the DM said. if he's talked to him, I await for the DM to
message me. if not, I'll politely ask him to. then, I'll lie in wait. if the DM messages me, great, I'll take it from there. if not, I'll text him, let him know I know what's up and see where that conversation takes us. I want it to be clear that I'm ok with you wanting to see me, hang out, but not to manipulate the situation. kind of like pre-dating ground rules.

rules for dating Kits, don't be a manipulative ass.

this ride is getting a little too wild. it's frustrating, weird and I kind of want to get off.

stay with me, things are bound to get wilder by the minute...

Friday, October 23, 2015

artsy fartsy

something not DM related.

aren't you proud of me, lifeless blog? you should be.

anywho, I think i'd like to dabble in water colors. they are cheap and fairly interpretive. I don't have brush stroke talent so I don't think I will be painting mountains and flowers.

that's all. just feeling creative.

stay with me...

Wednesday, October 21, 2015


so, I tell you I can't play D&D because I'm going to a birthday party.

you say cool, but let me arrange three more dates to play.

I say ok.

then you say, but how about I just change it from Saturday to Sunday so you and one other person can play.

but, you still have two out of four playing either day so...

so I say ok.

I may be reading too much, I may be wrong, but I think he was gonna miss my face those four long weeks. so now we're playing every weekend for three weeks straight. I'm so incredibly flattered by this idea.

I think I want to make overt moves now. if the interest is really there and not just in my head, I want to express it in kind.

this development has really made my day, and I hope I don't end up the fool. I kind of don't care because I want to know for sure, but the greater of me is still very much not about that bullshit life.

I dunno, I want to say more but my mind is too busy. 

you'll get the scoop when I do, lifeless blog. stay with me...

Monday, October 19, 2015

in my feelings for no reason

this jury duty is making me irrationally hateful. all these white men in suits, especially in boots, cowboy hats and suits, anger me. don't know them or their function but I dislike and distrust then in what little context I have. not like me at all. looks like a little bit of the angry ass, hateful lil has rubbed off on me.

Friday, October 16, 2015


nothing. he just texted back about the other dates we play and maybe dressing up for Halloween. not actually a Halloween party, just dressing up.

whatever. I'm annoyed. it's not best case scenario, it's not worst case. it's literally just a scenario. I'm not dressing up unless I confirm people other than the DM are doing the same. it's lame to sit around in costumes to play D&D; we're not even larping for petes sake. I work hard on my looks and it's a waste for only five people to see them..

more in the two weeks to come. see if this foolishness actually goes down. stay with me...

good morning

and it appears to be. so far. haven't left the house yet so have no idea what's going to punch me on the face before the day is over, but right now, I'm happy.

looked through some gorgeous genderbent/race bent art on tumblr and I've got a lot of good things to do today.

today I'm also going to text the DM a very (what I believe to be) straightforward text. his response determines everything. I feel like it won't be the response I want, nor anything I've anticipated so far. so I'm not sure how the day will end for me: gleeful or wasted in misery. gonna be an adventure finding out!

either way, I'm off work, I have a few dollars, gonna treat myself and try to have a good productive day.

stay with me, you gotta see how this ends...

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

been thinking

about where I'm at right now.

I am 34, single, never married, no kids.

I am pining after a 45+ divorcee with a child that is 17 years old. her birthday was this week.

it occurred to me that this is a potential shit storm.

the divorce was not pretty, and the mother, mentally unstable, is in the regular practice of isolating the child from the father. grown ass step kid, psychotic ex wife.

additional, he is not in mint condition. diabetic, bad leg, bad arm, bad eyes. great hearing though. I don't know how well I can handle late life medical conditions.

I can't see how this would go, even in a perfect world.

yet I don't care. I want to know where it would go, against the odds, in the fucked up reality that it is.

I'll find out Friday. stay with me...


emotionally sick...

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

fantasies 2

they really are getting out of hand now. which means it's going to hurt worse when the fall comes.

took a look at myself today. yech. honestly, I don't know why I bother. I just can't get this man out of my head. horoscope, for what it's worth, said my answer would be clear today. it was not. but at the same time, I guess it is.

I thought to myself 'I just want to know, yea or nay,' but that thought was quickly followed by one of my favourite lines from Gosford Park, 'what purpose would it serve?' if it's yea, neither of us are going to act on it beside making other people extremely conscious of our flirting. and if it's nay, I've got this stupid dream life I've built up that I have to start tearing down. the latter is probably for the best though.

I'm giving it one last shot, Friday. I've got a party the night of our next session. I'm going to pretend I forgot to tell him and say I'll see him in November. if I don't play that night it will be a full month before he sees me again. the ball is in his court at that point to properly invite me over. last time he did it was after both of us were fully drunk, and he said if I ever wanted to come by to let him know. I read what he said, j heard it and read it too. but I can't operate that way, legit. I know it's stupid and old fashioned and both of us are literally too old for these shitty games, but I want to be courted, at least a little bit, before I basically turn hardcore and buck nasty. 

ugh, whatever man. I'm tired of always being unhappy not knowing. after Friday, the last, last straw(yet I've heard myself say that shit before), I'll take the necessary actions to get in or move on. there's alway the okcupid guy, I guess.

eventually this roller coaster will end. stay with me...

Monday, October 12, 2015

this day

romance is in the air, in the fall.

overheard: "it's like jumping in at the deep end. just 1,2,3, go..."

or not. whatever.

stay with me, the madness will end eventually...


for once in your life, kits, just be fucking normal...

Sunday, October 11, 2015


read my horoscope from yesterday. it was pretty accurate for a generalized statement that could literally apply to anything or anyone.

"You're going to get a nice, refreshing break from your 'blah' routine today, and it all revolves around other people. The social vibe in your world is positively buzzing, and you're going to get energized by others. That means it's a wonderful day to be with people -- strangers and friends alike. A stadium concert, major league sporting event, or even a crowded shopping mall will inspire you with new ideas -- and might even create a new romantic or professional connection."

things are... covoluted right now with the DM. last night we flirted, a lot. hardcore. problem 1: we were both pretty flipping wasted. he'd been drinking before I got there, late, because he was supposed to tell me we were playing at 2 and he did not. and I spent the rest of the night drinking when I told myself I would not eat or drink anything. thanks to my complete breakdown of disciple, I had the worst hangover I've had in probably a decade. classy.

problems 2: another guy we play with made some super awkward comments about me. I'm a 10, I'm awesome, he'd fuck me. and all that would be great, if he didn't gross and annoy the unholy fuck out of me. all of this in from of the DM. the guy has a history of superior spazzy behavior with woman. and I recognized that he was starting to dig me, but I tried not to encourage it in anyway, since I only want the DM. 

on top of that he was privy to a conversation I had with j about the DM. it actually makes me a bit nervous because the spaz also works with the DM, at least till the end of this week. and I have a strong feeling that when the DM has the "don't talk to kits like that or you can't play with us on skype" talk, because he will, because he's already had to have the same conversation with him about their female coworkers, it will come up. and things will get super fucking high school and all of us are well over damn 30.

j is supposed to be rooting out how the DM sees things this week, but it all feels really stupid and too hard. I dunno. gonna be a weird next couple of weeks...

stay with me...

Friday, October 2, 2015


I've had a bit of sake. not too much, still want more. I can't afford alcoholism...

anywho, music and alcohol is making me feely and bold. I considered texting the DM a 'contact pic'. then I contemplated just asking him how he felt about me. neither of these things are going to happen in real life, however.

why, you didn't ask? because 1, I fear rejection and disapproval tremendously. not my greatest fear, but pretty damn high on the list. 2, I don't know what he does with his Friday nights. he may be with friends, family, at a fancy dinner. what I look like randomly texting him pics and awkward questions out of the blue? crazy and thirsty. 3, the repricussions would be dire. he'd tell j, I'd have to have a conversation with him about it, and our game nights would be so painful awkward, I'd eventually have to bow out.

I don't know what to do, but this sucks. here I am into this dude who has no interest in me. I know this, and by all rights, I should get over it and get on with my sad little life. but I can. not. it's been a long time since I was interested in anyone, on top of that, I see him so frequently. then there's j trying to wingman for me. no friend, I get it, you don't. it's not going to happen. even knowing this as I do, my heart is a stupid imature idiot.

I need a life, damnit. then I could focus on anything else in the world.

fucking stay with me...

Friday, who cares...

having another shitty day.

I'm so fucking broke...

Thursday, October 1, 2015


not having the best day ever. been kind of a long shitty week, really...