Wednesday, February 25, 2015


Kits' Taxi Service! everywhere you want to go at no convenience to me!

I'm sick of this shit. I don't mind being nice, helping folks out when I can. but only on my terms. don't volunteer me for shit, don't assume that I'll say yes. fucking ask first.

but of course, I've set the precedent. it's my own fault for being run the fuck over, every day of my life, because I always say yes.

but saying no, telling folks to figure out their own lives, that makes me the bitch.

I have zero responsibility to anyone except my dog and cat. everyone else in the equation has minds, mouths and cell phones, call someone else, make arrangements, make fucking friends. but please stop reliaing on 'good ole kits who will drop her entire life to service you without thanks or compensation'. give a bitch a break, please.

I'm just going to pop off one day. turn off my cell, go MIA, be unseen and unheard from for a couple of days. that sounds fucking delicious. I'm gonna plan it today. see where you bitches are and how your mouths and phones suddenly work when you have to fend for yourselves. fuck. I absolutely cannot wait. stay with me for the results, folks...

Saturday, February 21, 2015

bad habits and guilt

I'm in a down phase apparently. very down. bought a pack of smokes today. that nicotine free Native American brand. when I was a smoker, I wasn't a very good one. they make me feel high so I can't smoke a lot. I've done two and I'm really done for a while. but they will be nice to have on standby. need a vape pen, soon.

not really sure what I'm upset about. nothing really strong happening at the moment, getting by as always. I'm just, bluh. the lady time just ended so I'm probably a bit out of whack hormone-ally.

I thought about painting my toenails. and just now I thought how I'd like for S (for lack of anything else to call him) to say something derogatory about my feet. he wouldn't, he's not that type of guy. but I want him to. it would be all the reason in the world i'd need to put him away. I don't know what I want to do about him. another guy friend? sure, why not. but I'm not romantically inclined to him. I don't sense he is to me either. big ole fat person and little thin guy. kind of revolts me just thinking about it. I'm like three of him. granted, I'm losing, (gonna lose) weight. but I will forever be big. I dunno, maybe I'm making excuses. but if it's not genuinely there, I don't think I should force it. I wouldn't be fair to anyone. 

I don't think this is what I wanted to post about. but I guess I have to get it out somewhere since I literally have no one else in the world to talk to.


I'm going to sleep. a better post I hope for next time. please stay with me...


yeah, we're done. show's over after two episodes.

I really don't care. I feel like I should, but I can't muster it. it was a nice thought, for a while.

makes me think though, what I asked for, what I prayed for, if this was supposed to be it. I don't know. but if I felt awkward and indifferent the whole time, when I literally need bells, whistles, verbal and visual cues, could it have really been it? I'd like to think no, but the Lord moves in mysterious ways his wonders to perform.

I'm making to much out of something that is literally nothing. we'll be 'friends' or whatever, hang out, probably won't go on that cruise now, that would be a little too awkward. but any romance aspect is definitely dead. hope he realizes that too.

I gotta get off this blog and in this apartment. until later, stay with me...

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

I have a small heart

my sincere apologies that I can't fit you in...

in other news, gender fluidity has its challenges. at the time I would be considered most feminine is when I feel the most masculine. whatever those terms mean. sometimes I feel like I don't know nothing these days

random tonight. stay with me, I'll make sense again soon enough...

Sunday, February 15, 2015

brief rant, won't take long...

i've been in my current job since summer of 2012.

coming up on the three year mark, i realize i kind of hate it. i'm actually really tired of talking to people. and in the current climate of this place, i do it way more often than i should in this position. i know most of what i should to do this job and my manager's job too, should i so choose. i do not choose. i would hate to be a manager here. christ almighty, i think i'd quit first.

anywho, all that being said, i think i'm ready for a change. my original plan was two years as an underling, four as a supervisor, then try to work my way past manager to a different department or training for this one. it doesn't look like i'll get to be training anytime soon. there's three of them now and they are all top notch apparently. so i need to look at different departments in the company. maybe with more money and better hours. maybe...

i currently live off the shift differential i get working into the middle of the fucking night. and i absolutely fucking hate mornings. so i don't necessarily want to work another department unless it pays damn well. but i do want my social life back. i have game nights and date nights, i guess, and other activities i could be doing while i'm slaving away in the dark, unchallenged and under appreciated.

i'm about to look now. with the move to hq, maybe it's also time to move out of this place. i dunno. i love the lazy abundance of downtime i have. i read, write, draw, all my favorite things. but i don't wnt to be stuck in this place doing this job forever. at the most, one more year. at the least, another life change for 2015 is right around the corner.

let's see what happens, stay with me...

Saturday, February 14, 2015

holy shit snacks, it's mah birfday!!!

well, at least the birthday of this blog. i actually forgot this year until google showed my birthday doodle. thanks google, the day may have gotten away from me otherwise.

how could i forget such a momentous day as the inception of my worthless, self serving blog? life has been crazy in the last month.

in the midst of my frantic worrying about moving and money and shit, my apartment flooded late last month. the water heater in the apartment above mine (the one the property manager stays in) kind of exploded. a pipe on it did anyway. with enough pressure to wash out her drywall and flood the space between our apartments.

every ceiling fixture in the living room, kitchen and guest bathroom were pouring water. it was surreal but familiar

there's a little sister in there somewhere...
yes, the apartment resembled a scene from bioshock, yet less fun. eventually the drywall in my apartment gave out too and huge chunks of ceiling starting falling out. in the end, the ceiling in everything but the bedrooms is gone. so essentially, i was homeless for a few hours until the property manager called and said she just had an apartment cleaned up and ready to go the same day the flood happened. so i have a new home, at the same price of the last one, for another year.

but wait, there's more. i've been moving for almost a month. a little a time i've been gathering my crap from the old washed out apartment to my new one. and it's be so arduous. the one day i had to move all the heavies, i still had to leave my dining table and sofa sleeper. i'm wondering if it's even worth it to haul them across the property and up a flight of twisted stairs. my back says no.

i'm mostly done though, except for my sister's filthy little hole. i still have stuff in there amidst her shit. while it really wouldn't take long to knock out. i've been dreading it like hell. but i also want to be done so i can finish setting up my new place. it doens't feel like home until it's decorated and clean. right now it looks like a carpeted storage unit.

that's the big story. in other news, dating is weird and awkward. that is all.

thinking about a trip in late summer. but i'm already not about to go because there's no one to watch my kids. i couldn't afford to board them and besides, my dog would have an absolute bitch fit. she already loses her shit when i leave the house for a few minutes. a week without mommy would be the end of her poor little life. james, he wouldn't care, as long as he gets fed. i love them desperately, but they are truly limiting my life.

things are about to change at work. the move happens 6 mar. i'm good, i'm glad. my fat ass needs the gym and to lose weight. gotta start my habit strong. no less than an hour every day i work. i've been improving my diet a bit this week. a lot of salad. some fruit. i still ate unnecessary bullshit. but with all the hauling and trekking with furniture and my worldly belongings, i think i worked a good bit of that off. if i cut it out all together, i will be one fit bitch.

i think that's all i got. except i am so buttfucking sleepy and tired. all these early mornings taking care of stuff. i am not a morning, daytime person.

um, lots of little stuff too, but i'll get to aaall that in later posts. until then, stay with me.

here's to another year...