Tuesday, January 6, 2015


i'm so ambivalent right now, it's disconcerting...

i want everything in the world, yet i want nothing to change.

what is wrong with me. i should be happy, flattered. but all i can think about is all the things that can go wrong.

deep sigh. we'll figure out where this goes together. stay with me....

Sunday, January 4, 2015

under fire

so, back to max stress level. well, not max, but it's pretty damn high.

got a notice from the complex office. next year's rent is going to be $800+ if i sign again.

i will not be signing again. that kind of money is beyond bullshit for rotted out cabinets, antiquated appliances and noisy neighbors.

i don't want to move because it involves massive cleaning and work.  but i can't pay that. i do want more space for my kids and i'm tired of galley kitchens. i want a yard and a garage. i still want a house desperately.

but i just checked my credit report. while my score is going up, it's still utter crap. rent to own is my only option. i don't have time to go through a full credit fix to try to be more appealing to home loan companies. rent to own down payments that i've seen are nice and low, something i can ask my credit union for and pay off quickly. the next big deal is an area that's not too far from work so i don't spend all the money i save on rent on gas and also not a high crime area where i'll be robbed, murdered or both. so far, nothing is what i want.

i'm scared because i can't stay in that apartment anymore, but i don't have anywhere else to go. every other complex i tried and liked before this one is going to be the same price or more. i can't go back to my mom's and i sure as hell can't live with my older sister. i'm afraid to be homeless with two animals.

worse case fucking scenario, i'm forced to stay. but it will be the hardest year of my life because there will be zero chance to save money to get into a house when i'm paying that much in rent. slightly better scenario, i end up in a different apartment for six months, giving me extra time to finalize a house.

i need solid, expert advice. i need to know my options. but those things also cost money i don't have. just a lot to process right now. i'm so frustrated that my rent is about to pop up by literally 100 bucks. it's extremely unfair and ridiculous.

Saturday, January 3, 2015


I'm good to be alone. sometimes I think it's the saddest, most unbearable thing there ever was. but then days like this come along, while considering my prospects, and I could not care less.

the coworker's bro is nice, he really is. and we do have a considerable amount in common. but I think we're bored with each other already. I don't chase people, so I'm not going to sweat my brow trying to keep a conversation going. and if he were interested, he'd show it. we're just walking parallel, no converging of lines. and that's cool. I'm not forcing anything, he's not pushing anything. we're good. last message I sent got a curt reply without an open to keep talking. so I think we're done here. cool. life must go on.

gotta get ready for work, but I have more to say soon. stay with me...