Saturday, September 13, 2014

blog challege day 12: self image

no, this post is not about my fat ass... this time.

it's about what i look like on the inside and the difference between what is in my head.

let's start with this... all my life i wanted lovely long hair and nails. for a long time, i didn't have either. i didn't really know how to take care of my hair and i bit my nails for years. after many scary and dark times, i now have long, pretty thick hair and natural nails that will scratch your face off.

mission accomplished.

i wanted these things because for a long time i identified them as things beautiful women have. breast, face, body and all that go with it, but to me, to be a really gorgeous woman, you had to have long hair and long nails. and that's what i thought i had to be.

thing is though, that's not what i am anymore. well, not what i identify as.

big admit here, first time in this forum: gender wise, i don't just identify as female. I'm actually non-binary, the pretty word i use for which being genderfluid.

this is no new thing, really. it's something i've always felt, but never gave a name or real thought to until the last few years. but i've always felt both masculine and feminine to varying degrees every day.

i can remember the first time i felt it. it's such a funny memory, but i know it's the root of my entire gender identity. i was a lil kid, maybe 3 or 4, and my parents and i were coming home one night from some event. we were on the second floor of the apartment building we lived in then. i remember going up the stairs before my mom and dad and my mom made the remark 'she should have been a boy.' there was probably context before or after that, but i know she didn't mean it maliciously. it was probably just something about the way i climbed the stairs or some aspect of my personality she saw in that moment. but when she said it, i remember thinking how much i would like that, being a boy.

i have kind masculine features, i think. i got a big head, feet, hands. probably more so if i wasn't as fat. i look a lot like my dad. but i couldn't "pass" for male, these titties are too big for that. though that's not something i want to do either. but i sound like a guy on the phone sometimes, and have been called sir. i don't mind though, i don't get offended (unless i'm feeling particularly feminine that day, but it passes pretty quick). i'd just like to incorporate masculinity and femininity in my daily life.  i don't want to be full on a guy all the time. i like being a girl a lot of the time. 'cause i'm gorgeous and it would be a waste to deny the world my womanhood.

i have however, over the years, crossdressed a little, played "the guy" in various roles, be it the male half of a couple or for a costume party. i have female sex, but i enjoy male mentality, masculinity. i like the way it makes me feel. that may be why i'm big on gay porn, yaoi and bara. there is a piece of me in it.

i refer to myself as a person, not male or female. i'm introducing more male clothes to my wardrobe for those really masculine days. even getting a binder to tame these huge tits a little. sometimes i'll be a boy with long hair and nails, or a girl that's a little bit manly. some days i won't feel anything at all. just a person, needless of labels. i like the idea of both as well as the in between. at this juncture in my life i want to be free to be both, changing and slipping between and in between genders like walking through a door. my gender is an open door.

more tomorrow, though probably not of this. stay with me...

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