reminder, just for me, love is bullshit.
have a good day.
check me out on tumblr as well. lots more random and often more raunchy.
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
so I spent the night in my car because I'm too nice.
instead of having the balls to say no to being disrespected in my own place, I fled the scene and slept in a Walmart parking lot. I could have gone to my mother, but I did want to have to explain to her why I couldn't sleep in my house. all because I'm too nice and very alone in the world.
I'm sick of this shit. I do and do and do for others, with little to no appreciation. I inconvenience myself for other people's lives. I am a slave to 'yes' and nonconfontation.
please don't get me wrong, nonexistent readers, I do like to help people. every once in a while, with important things. but I've been constantly sapped almost all my life by people or situations I don't agree with it or like.
because it's just easier to give everyone what they want so they'll shut up. or not think less of me. that is, unfortunately, a factor in all this too. I don't want to be 'that person'.
but I'm really tired. I'm running out of life and spending way too much of what I have left on other peoples happiness. I've always just wanted to be left the hell alone, be around people and offer what I can on my terms.
so I'm turning up the no on a lot of shit. if I don't feel like it, don't want to, not interested, no. figure something else out. my save-a-hoe days are over. I'm probably going to look like a bitch but I kind of have to be from now on. if it came down to it, all the folks I help for free wouldn't do shit for me, so I gotta stick with the only person I know who's got my back, me.
at 5:12 AM
Saturday, August 16, 2014
been a while, and I'm coming at you to complain.
I'm kind of lonely as fuck. I hang out with people, I have legit friends, we have common interests.
but the things I am most passionate about, anime, cosplay, cons, writing, my friends either don't get it or don't really care. so I do all the things I think are the awesomest alone.
and usually I don't care. I'm gonna do what I want, can't stop me. but it's saddening. no one gets excited over my cosplay, who I saw at cons, the panels I went to.
no one cares what I write, how much I want to share my voice, for someone to see my worlds and love them.
I'm to blame. I don't like to share stuff because I know no one cares. that's why I've pretty much quit Facebook. I posted all day, every day. ad nauseam, apparently, because when I casually mention I'm tired of Facebook and May stop using it, people encourage it. and no one's missed me since.
and i would give a copy of everything I write to every friend I have if I thought even one of them would continue to read it. some have read my work, thought it was good and never gave it another thought. that is the exact opposite if what a writer needs it wants.
it's another one of those 'seek your change' things. it won't change or get better if I don't do it. I don't think it's laziness this time. and it's not cowardice. it's aggression, I'm not that person to shove shit at you all the time. including myself. once I see you have little to no interest, you'll never hear that thing from me again. so I'll do what you like to do, go where you like to go, talk about what you want to talk about. and I'll just seethe in my lonely little head, hoping desperately one day to break free.
hell, even as I write this, I know it's just a cry in the dark.
something's wrong with me...
at 3:57 PM