i dunno, maybe i'm the bitch...

because i don't think you're interesting. your inane ass stories, waiting to talk instead of listening, making everything about you, trying to one up people, even about stupid shit, having to be right about absolutely everything, making weak ass jokes just to have something to laugh about, talking just to avoid the silence.

what the fuck are you exactly?

i can see a lot of your behavior is to gain some self esteem. you cover an inferiority complex with a superiority complex, but don't quite pull it off. if you can be "the best", maybe people won't notice your issues. but then, that shit becomes your issues. it taints your personality and makes you fucking annoying as hell.

but if i tell you that, i do become the bitch. and i don't really want to tell you. i kind of want you to figure that shit out on your own. you're sheltered and frail, everything in your life is homogenized; same people, same activities, places etc. people in your world accept that shit, probably think it's cute. you want to make yourself seem so wordly and something special. you're not that special little snowflake. and you should recognize that and want some kind of change.

i'm not too much better. but i don't live by my insecurities. i can't imagine what kind of scary existence i would have if i did. i have my dark days, then i find a light and strut into that bitch. and i know, not everyone can do it like me, not saying they should. but because we do it different, doesn't mean your ass does it better. hell, even when we do it literally the exact same way, you still think  you did it better or i did it wrong.

i'm getting riled just thinking about it.

i think i am slowly going to incorporate reality into your bubble. it's gonna hurt your feelings and make you think i hate you. i don't. you're a good person and you have the potential to be really fun and interesting. but we need to get past this 'better than you, yanything you can do I can do better' bullshit you like to play.

thursday night

watching some awful lgbtq movie that's too long and kind of boring. but a guy says something... "you can somewhat tell what people are about by their appearance,"

this is by no means law, but there is some truth in it. it makes me wonder. I perceive myself as plain externally. not ugly, but nothing to get overly excited about. does that mean I'm plain inside too? I feel like it does. I spoke before about not being edgy or exciting. not that I need or want a gimmick but, what do I need to be more... je ne sais quai?

dunno why I should even bother though.

also watched a movie about people finding their soulmate via science. not sure if I even believe in soulmates, but it was cute and kind of thought provoking. if romantic soulmates are real, what happens if you don't meet them? or if you get it wrong, the person you love and cherish is actually someone else's soulmate? does everyone get one? what if your true one and only actually lives half way around the globe? these questions make me believe soulmates aren't a thing. way too many people and variables in the world.

we're all just an accident of time and space. the chemicals just happen to line up right. nothing is permanent or guaranteed. yet we try so hard to give these little flukes of existence meaning. it's as it should be I suppose. I mean, what else have we got to do?

meh, too heavy and philosophical. gonna try to finish this awful long movie. stay with me...

interests

things may or may not work out romantically with the coworker's brother. we kind of don't have very much in common at all. meh, but maybe he'll end up a cool guy friend to hang out with and potentially ask a favor from when I need a dude. guess we'll see, stay with me...

giggle

I was looking for a particular post. I may have to start tagging. as I did, I looked at the last few numbers of the blog challenge in sep/oct. what the absolute hell was I doing? they not in any kind of order. I suppose I could go back, clean them up, edit all my old posts to make this a more polished and professional blog to attract an audience to gain influence. but this is a blog about life. my shitty life, but life nonetheless. it's not perfect, not always right, not always interesting. it has face value. what you see is almost exact what you get. I do say almost though because I can, at times, surprise people.

but that numbering, while funny, I can do better, so i'll probably fix those. in the meantime, stay with me...

ask yourself, what purpose do you serve.

think on it, really consider it.

I hope you find it.

I don't know why I bother though. just an unheard cry for help I suppose. not that it matters.

thinking

I wish I did drugs sometimes. maybe I'd be a bit more interesting. a little edgy. or I was an amazing dancer. how sad is it I'm bored with my own one and only life? very...

I'd be willing to do almost anything other than anything but what I am now. go to work, go home. i spend too much time alone. sure, there's the lil, but she annoys me mostly. I rarely see adult friends that share my interests. I would love to see them more but work prevents that. this could soon lead to resentment of my primary source of income, and other issues. not a good idea.

I wonder if other people feel the same way about their lives. it doesn't seem like it. maybe a few, maybe more. they just seem to be better at covering it up or recovering from it. they find a way to be interesting.

I hate my fucking life

out of pocket

and out of sorts. just been an up and down week since my last post. and everyday I tried to blog or think of something interesting to say. obviously nothing came. speaks volumes about me. why do I even bother. I just really don't know...

the last two days have been shitty...