Tuesday, October 7, 2014

29: next to last


today i just want to hit on my mood the last month or so. i don't believe i'm depressed, but i have been showing symptoms. i can get out of bed, i can go through the day, i can function. but that's about it, just me going through the motions. i have little to no motivation to do more than lay in bed and play skyrim. i don't want to clean, i don't want to leave my house, i don't want to put clothes on or do my hair. i don't want to do anything.

i thought i would get a little peace and respite from my life tonight. i was planning on going to the spa and deflate. i was going to steep in the pools for about two hours, find a quite room to sleep and sweat, wake up when the 200 degree room was open and cook myself as long as i physically could. then cool off in the ice room before enjoying a breakfast of dim sum.

but about an hour ago i fucking flushed my debit card down the toilet. not on purpose, not some weird misguided protest. it squeezed out of my pocket as i turned to flush and walk out the stall. there was no time to save it. got a nice little cut trying though.

rotten luck with toilets this week...
so now i have to wait until next week to go to the spa. if i can hold on to $30 on my other debit card between now and then. it really adds to my stress level and list of shit i don't need.

i think God is testing me right now. not in a bad way, like i've been fucking up so long it's my punishment. but seeing how i handle the stuff i've dealt with the last month to see if i'm ready for the next big phase. i don't think i'm doing too well. but maybe He'll tell me where i need room for improvement, or be patient with me till i figure it out. He knows i'm usually a smart cookie. He and i have that kind of relationship. He tells me through signs exactly what He wants, and i do it. no vague 'maybe He means this, or maybe i should do that.' i asked Him a long time ago to be clear with me. give me recognizable, easy to understand signs, and i'll follow them. to date, He has not lacked in this request.

i went a bit deep there, sharing my faith in God. i'm not uber religious. i just believe that everyone should have faith in something, have something to look forward to or believe in. i have a personal relationship with God. just Him and me. some people revere the Goddess. some people are followers of Allah, Buddha, Ganesha, or nothing at all. and that's ok. i knock no one's faith or lack thereof. all i know is what works for me, so i stay the fuck in my lane.

i feel a bit better, getting this blog out. and i talked my little into loaning me gas money till friday. she's good for something sometimes tomorrow is my day off from work so i can't say if there will be a blog or not. hopefully so. maybe something amazing will happen or i will have some thought provoking moment. until then though, stay with me...

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