welcome to november

and another month of zero accomplished.

last month ended rough. my 21 day challenge was a bust after three days.

i was super  busy with prep and execution of my grandmother's birthday celebration. it was a great time though, and we made a lil ole lady very happy

also started a second dnd group, had one session, and my co-organizer is out of town until the end of the month. but i'm very prepared for every session they will have as they are following the same campaign as my first group. no new maps to make or story to write, just reprint the npc's i lost and we roll... dice.

cosplay is moving at a snail's pace. only thing i have for a new outfit is a horse head. cosplaying BoJack Horseman at some point next year. yet i haven't paid for any cons to wear it to. hopefully some of my fun money this month and in december can go toward getting that accomplished

everything else, however, seems stagnant. work is boring. i have no personal life. social is alright, i guess, but would like more out of it. professionally i'm on hold, waiting to get a contract from the woman who agreed to edit my novels. and for the first time in i'm pretty sure five years, i'm not participating in NaNoWriMo. i just have too much other shit going on and to think about and do this month.

and i'm generally not happy. went to the spa a couple of weeks ago and didn't really enjoy it. even got a fucking cold from one of the rooms, which i am still battling a little. i have nothing to look forward to, nothing excites me, motivates me, moves me. i literally just go through the motions all day everyday. i half cleaned the living room. washed only two loads of clothes. my bedroom has not been cleaned in close to a year. the bathroom, let us not speak of.  i got the car cleaned, but regretted spending the money on it when i realized the cable bill didn't get paid. i just feel like i'm failing at life and falling into mediocrity.

i am not mediocre, i've always aspired for more, known i'm capable of more. the means to get to these places and these things though. i don't know the way or what to do. people say 'just do it, it's so easy, you'll be glad you did.' do what? what is the formula, what are the steps? i'm not stupid, but i feel like i'm stupid when i don't know how to accomplish a goal, especially such lofty goals as i have.

unfortunately, it all boils down to money. i can't afford to spend extra on things that could better my professional or social life because i'm too busy living day to day. and i have debt. sheesh. i've considered sites like indiegogo or kickstarter to raise funds to get a foothold in the right direction. but there are people with legitimate, amazing causes and products that aren't getting any money. a very hilarious youtube cartoon i like has a kickstarter asking for $60k. last i checked, they only had a $750. granted, it's money they didn't have before, but it's disappointing that someone with a good product is not making it. why would someone give me money for my lesser cause?

that's not the right attitude, i know. if i wrote up something pretty and endearing. i might get a couple hundred bucks. like that guy that got like $40k just to make potato salad. but there are so many people asking for free money out there. what makes me more worthy, what do i have to sell? i dunno, i just feel i'd be lost in the sea of lost causes. that would make my old peeve of wasting my time rise to the surface and burn me with anger, making me never want to try anything ever again.

i'm sad. and i'm rambling and i don't have anything else to say right now. 2014 was supposed to belong to me. but it feels like these last few months it's gonna slip out of my grasp. i need something to feel better soon. it has to get better, somehow.

stay with me...