Monday, September 28, 2015

stages of grief

but not really.

yesterday and this morning I was mopey mcmoperson because I got the distinct impression the DM is not feeling me. slight comments over the last two visits have not sat well with me and promoted the downward spiral. but I'm coming back up.

because I've gotten past the sadness, and I'm annoyed. how very dare you flirt, by the observation of no less than two people, then just shut it off. I feel as if he has some unrealistic ideal that I suddenly don't meet anymore, despite the fact that I am a goddamn national treasure. and cute as he is, he ain't the best turkey in the shop either. so for me not to be good enough is bullshit. but I will say this, if I ain't your cup of tea, you don't have to settle for me. I still have a prayer out in the atmosphere for my one true nerd who's gonna love me, for me, unconditionally.

I'll probably be a miserable bitch in the meantime, but at least he'll be worth the wait.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

this blog is alright, but I really need someone to talk to...


yeah, I'm sick of people and their relationships. stop rubbing it my face already.

Saturday, September 26, 2015


see, when yo go in with zero expectations, you can't be disappointed. this is my credo for the rest of my life: expect nothing, get nothing.

don't know or care if the DM is interested anymore. he had my number all week, texted me once about D&D.

went over today and things were a little dry, since it was the end of the campaign. nothing transpired and I'm good with that,really. if I'd gotten more mixed signals, I'd be a little pissed but nope, nothing at all.

my only question is why not, but at the same time I can think of a myriad of reasons why not. just gonna be rough turning it off.

whatever, I guess I tried? was gonna say more, but I'm sleepy and full of alcohol.

so ends crushgate.

stay with me, please...

Friday, September 25, 2015

it's whatevs...

the DM texted me yesterday morning, at 8:52 in the morning, whatever that's about, telling me the time for Saturday. and mentioned it was cool if people came by early. I don't know what that's about either.

from an uninterested perspective, what would I have to gain by coming early? the interested side is obvious and therefore moot.

that's where I am now. I expect nothing, I hope for nothing. and I'm almost a little offended that you think I have so little to do that extra time at your house is a bonus.

but I will go about half an hour early, since the invitation was offered. but nothing else changes. already picked my outfit, hair and glasses. no airs, no extra, no interest. that reminds me though, I gotta finish my Druid class.

in other news, I'm painfully fat. mostly healthy, but fat. I carry it with a good amount of swagger, but sometimes that's not enough. I kind of wonder if I'm missing out on something's because I'm not thinner. I dunno, probably, maybe not, who the fuck knows. I could be fatter, I've seen those folks and I'm honestly glad I'm not heavy as they are, yet my own fat jail is no picnic.

I'm realistic though, if I ever lost weight, I'd never be a single digit. I really wouldn't mind just being back to a 16. literally haven't been that size in a number of years I hate to admit, even to my dead little blog. literally, shit, it's been ridiculously long.

that makes me sad, so let's keep it moving.

my fat ass is hungry.

I think we're done here. if you can stand more, stay with me...

Monday, September 21, 2015


the more time that passes, the more apparent there's nothing there. a guy with a woman's number that he doesn't text or call isn't interested.

too fat, too ugly, too young/old, or maybe he's just dating someone else. whatever it is, my attitude on Saturdays from now on is going to be different.

I don't want to spurn the group for my own stupidity, but I'm dialing it back. I need to, have to. since this has happened, and I see it's going nowhere, I think (probably wrong) I might be getting this out of my system.

of course I still thought about him in my fantasy land, but the high wasn't nearly as much as when I thought I had a shot. it even seems a little pathetic and sick.

oh well. I'm getting sleepy and tomorrow is kind of a big day, so lights out for me. this ends this weekend. stay with me for the mediocre conclusion to crushgate...

Sunday, September 20, 2015


the DM has my number. I literally cannot and will not do anything else.

dude, fucking use it!

I'm dead. let me finish my lunch and go home. I have an ass load of colouring to do.

stay with me...

Saturday, September 19, 2015

so upset right now

my best chance to see if there's anything with the DM is ruined.

I'll probably not get another one.

I'm so heartbroken. I want to cry but I'm just so frustrated by the situation I can't.

this is what I get for hoping and expecting. what I should hope for and expect to be a fat miserable lonely bitch forever...

Monday, September 14, 2015


it's probably very ill advised, but I might be falling for the DM.

but if this pirate party does not go the way I want it, I'm going to give up. I've said that before, but really, there's no excuse by that point...

more on crushgate as it develops. or doesn't, whatever. stay with me...

Sunday, September 13, 2015


something is so seriously wrong for me to feel so anxious and empty and lonely when I'm not in your presence.

this is not love.

Saturday, September 12, 2015


not my online text based game. these feels.

the DM is pretty much exactly what I've hoped and prayed for. a big ole nerd who's into fat black chicks. this maybe be my one shot. I just have so many doubts.

j&m are rooting for me and the DM to date, since I've officially spilled the crush beans to half our group. those two...

it bothers me, however, his 'flirtations' or whatever, only occur after a night of drinking. he's not full on drunk, but I don't like the idea of being seen through beer goggles.

j assures me he doesn't make moves because we're in a group setting. but I need moves. I literally need to know yea or nay. I can't do signals and signs, I'm literal that way.

he also suggested I friend him on Facebook. makes me hyperventilate a little just thinking about it. also kind of in a Facebook fast but I'm considering it. I just don't want to come across as creepy or thirsty.

I don't know why so many of my issues with this are centered around how I look to other people. I'm certainly not perfection, why do I keep wanting to be seen as such? am I less desirable in my own eyes? weird..

I dunno. the pirate party is next weekend. I'll probably find a pirate hat to complete my medieval ensemble, provided I can find the top. otherwise, improvise.

either way, still inside my walls, giving away nothing, waiting for the wrecking ball.

want to know how this ends? stay with me...

Thursday, September 10, 2015


I think an unhealthy fantasy life is keeping me sane. The Voice of Reason has given up protesting it with the understanding that I never act or engage in the behaviors in the fantasy. I believe this is fair.

I'm not trying to move in the DM anymore. but he's still on my mind, almost constantly. balls all in his court...

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

the 'healing' process

yeah, but not really.

it's the 'shut down, don't give a fuck anymore' process.

we have come full circle to the origin of this blog on my birthday. I don't want shit out of life anymore but to do me.

add another ten stories to those walls around me. reinforce those bitches with concrete, steel and iron. don't care, I got some windows, I keep them mostly clean. anybody coming in is going to need a wrecking ball, that's literally how serious it is now.

I'm so done wanting and hoping without a response. so let's not expect or want anything, can't be disappointed that way.

and I'm not going to make an awkward ass of myself for anything or anyone. I'm not thirsty, I'm like a mother fucking ocean, I ain't running dry.

so there we are. no one engages me, I don't engage them. we all fucking good and I go on doing what I've done all my adult life. I can't think what makes me keep trying after all these tried and true years to the contrary. but I'm determined not to waste any more time or life in fruitless enterprises.

stay with me, if you want...

Monday, September 7, 2015


The answer is no. disappointed but I can't say I'm surprised. so I'm moving on. I should be ok.

Saturday, September 5, 2015

guess who

what has two thumbs and is great at talking themselves out of a potential good thing?

this person, right here. me.

I was so excited for Monday, dressin cute, wearing a lil make up, cooking a good meal, flirtin a little. I don't want to do that anymore. because I don't know what the DM is thinking. I know, I can't possibly, and I can't ask. and therein lies the rub.

I don't want to go out of my way to seem open to something without a guarantee of return. guess that's why I don't hardcore gamble either. he might just think I'm a cool chick. and here I go Martha Stewarting it up, flirting and essentially making an ass ofmyself, what few cool points I've collected have turned to awkward points. and you can only redeem those in joke form, at your own expense of course, after a very extended cool down.

all that blather to say, I'm gonna cook the dish I promised, I'm going to be social, but I'm not going to acknowledge or express my feelings. enough denial and suppression, and eventuall, eventually they will go away.

and I'll be me again, for whatever that's worth. not this giddy, dreamy schoolgirl I've been the last month.

period ramblings. whatever.

Monday is just gonna be holiday d&d. slightly longer session, little more drinking. that's. all.

stay with me...

Thursday, September 3, 2015

I want

I really want to date you. I want to be your girlfriend. I want to be your wife I really want to be with you