Saturday, October 18, 2014

day two sucks

I fought temptation and won. last night I wanted ice cream and almost went to Wendy's for a float, but i wasn't trying to crack a new challenge on the first day. when i got home, i had a craving for peanut butter. but I sipped my water and played skyrim instead of getting up for a lil sammie.

lunch today wasn't great, bunch of fried food from Captain D's. it was across the street from my last errand today (half of which i didn't even get done), and I can't remember the last time I had D's. it was a lot of food though and i ended up giving the rest of the fries and a long ass fish fillet to the little. between lunch and dinner, i had a coconut water, and another one with dinner. a nice boring ass salad with a little shaved turkey thrown in and a pack of seaweed. yum yum.

i feel shitty. i'm tired, my head hurts, i'm thirsty and i'm hungry. i think i came down off food too fast. part of this may also be due to my stupid lady time, so i'll have to gauge how i do after it's over compared to now. i want another helping of salad, but my next meal won't be until 12 tomorrow. i'm thinking i want a doughnut at breakfast at church tomorrow though. just... slip in that one little morsel with a cup of coffee. damn that sounds so good right now.

when i think about it. it's a pretty extensive gap between meals. one at noonish, the next around 730-8 in the evening, then the long 16 hours to the next day. luckily i'm asleep for some of that span.. if was a daytime person, that would just be breakfast and dinner.

i may reconsider a third meal, but i can't eat at night when i get home anymore. too late and too close to sleepy time, it just goes to fat. and i can not get up any earlier, especially not just to put food in my face. with my schedule, there just isn't time for another one that wouldn't be right next to one of the other two. and i don't want to get into a habit of snacking. healthy or not. that shit makes me feel like a cow, grazing all damn day.

ugh, not sure what the fuck i'm gonna do. but it wouldn't be a challenge if it wasn't hard, i guess. two days down, 19 to go. it doesn't sound too bad. stay with me, make sure i don't die...
I'm in a bad way today. I don't want to do anything but lay in bed. no gaming, no TV, no human interaction. just lay. in. bed.

in overwhelmed with things I have to do, pay for, go to. and I want no part of any of it. I want it all to go away.

but I got up, ran errands, came to work. because I have to. shit won't get done otherwise, regardless of my mood. eventually this will pass and I got life to live on the other side. I'm battling little ugly nagging thoughts, and winning. I just got so much shit to do, I can let this down period get me. I will not lose.

rejoice with me in the light when I get there, stay with me...

Friday, October 17, 2014

the next challenge

look at me, i thought of something to say.

feeling a little bit better. i had comfort food.

and that's pretty much what i want to talk about now. i mentioned in a previous post that i'd been eating a lot lately and packing on the pounds. went clothes shopping this afternoon and a pair of jeans in my regular size were a too tight and the other pair are a lil snug. the too little ones, i'm not bummed about because they probably run small and they have no spandex in them at all. just tight ass denim. so i'll lose a few inches and get into those just fine. the red and black argyle tights i got though are perfection as are the cardigan and camisole i got to wear with them.

but to get into  those stretchless denim jeans, i've decided to curb my snacking. starting today apparently. my usual day went as follows:

wake up
laze until noon
feed the fur balls
have breakfast/lunch
play a game/watch a thing till 130
find something sweet to eat
continue gaming until 230
get ready for work
have a snack at my desk
work till lunch
run out and get a huge dinner
work till midnight
feed the kids dinner
have at least one more snack
pass out around 2-3AM

that's five damn times i'v eaten in 12 hours. nobody needs that. and that's just the work days. it could be worse on my weekends.

today, however, i had a small burger and fries on the road running errands, and flauta plate for dinner. and when i get home, i plan on getting a drink and taking my ass to sleep, no snack. that's it, two meals. were they great meals? no, but there were't five of them either.

the goal is to have those two meals, make them good ones hopefully, add some exercise and lose a little weight. but first thing first, 21 days of two meals, lunch and dinner. i know breakfast should be an option. but with my mostly nocturnal schedule and general disinterest in breakfast, i feel ok excluding it. of course, i'll keep ya posted here, stay with me...

Thursday, October 16, 2014


tiring to get a BL game installed.

don't want to play skyrim. don't have the Sims 4 yet. bit in the mood to watch anything or read anything. I wish to be mildly entertained by boys having sex and falling in love. someone might as well.

funny, I looked at the clock at 11:11 and thought, 'make a wish!'. couldn't think of anything. not that I have everything or don't wish for anything. but what purpose would it serve to remind me if what I don't have, can't do, only to be disappointed when said wish does not come to fruition. so I sent a half ass wish/prayer into space. may it be forgotten with all the rest.

anyway, gonna try to get this game going before bed. head hurts, gotta get the lil to work early and I've got errands and bills tomorrow. I'll speak with you again then, stay with me...

Wednesday, October 15, 2014


good evening. or rather, good morning.

so remember that post where I mentioned how I love my long nails after years of not having them. well, I don't have them anymore.

I have a nervous habit. when I get stressed it anxious, I break my nails. either by accident or deliberately, the nails get shorter and shorter. and it apparently applies to all nails. I broke of a pinky nail, then an index finger and went for my toenails after that.

besides work, my lack of motivation at home, losing a debit card when billss are due, next week I add public performance as a trained monkey to my stress. I was enlisted to sing a song for my grandmother's birthday, which has mushroomed into potentially four songs. I've prepared 0. it's a wonder I haven't reverted to full on biting my nails again.

it's just such a nutty time right now and the holidays are coming so I know it's just gonna get worse. I need a release, some good news, something to genuinely get excited about. soon.

if it comes along, I'll try to post it here, so stay with me...

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

30: finito

*this post was actually started last friday. work, from where i do most of my posts, has been unrelentingly busy, sorry!*

is actually the name if a character in The Family. but that's not what this post is about.

this is the last post of the 30 day challenge. it was off, took longer than it should have, and at times was less than interesting. but it is done, i met the challenge and finished it. i feel good about it and now i have a rhythm that i think i can keep. at least three times a week, i will find some bullshit to talk about. look forward to it.

'so what's the next adventure, kits?'

well, my babies, i'm gonna try for the 2lb challenge. the goal, lose two pounds a week. i dunno how, but i know i gotta start moving. i'm getting fat(ter).  we had some Wii consoles around the office this week and everyday i played one of the sports games. i've never been in the market for a Wii because most of their games are for kids i don't have any and i'm not particularly fond of playing kids games. however, i did move around a lot while playing those game and it was fun and challenging.

but buying a new system involves money that i honestly would rather spend on cosplay. and i have other free outlets. i just have to plan and do what i say i want to do and what i'm going to do. i need a little incentive, other than blogging and keeping myself accountable.

i read an article today previewing an interview with Terry Crews for Men's Fitness. his advice hits home, because it's exactly what i did for this blog challenge. just go, for 21 days, create the habit. he said you don't even have to work out. read a magazine, try a workout, watch other people exercise. but doing it, getting started, is the hardest part.

food, which i used to be able to manage, has become a bit of an issue. i've found myself eating a lot more these days. seconds of stuff or more snacking throughout the day. i'm not sure what to attribute it to; skyrim, boredom, depression. shit i hope it's not the last one, that's a horrible cycle to fall into. either way, i'm packing on the pounds because of it and i have to improve that when i get going.

i was going to say i'll start in november, but that's stupid. i read that article today, it's been on my mind a lot lately; i think this is a message from God to do better. like i said, he's pretty clear with me and i do my best to follow when i get the message. so, it's my weekend starting tomorrow. i'm gonna move. dance around like a boob for about half an hour. i've got a first generation ipod that i've been wanting to get some use out of. download some heavy beats, a little metal, maybe some dance music and get going.

and i'll blog as often as i can to let you know how it goes. stay with me...

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

29: next to last


today i just want to hit on my mood the last month or so. i don't believe i'm depressed, but i have been showing symptoms. i can get out of bed, i can go through the day, i can function. but that's about it, just me going through the motions. i have little to no motivation to do more than lay in bed and play skyrim. i don't want to clean, i don't want to leave my house, i don't want to put clothes on or do my hair. i don't want to do anything.

i thought i would get a little peace and respite from my life tonight. i was planning on going to the spa and deflate. i was going to steep in the pools for about two hours, find a quite room to sleep and sweat, wake up when the 200 degree room was open and cook myself as long as i physically could. then cool off in the ice room before enjoying a breakfast of dim sum.

but about an hour ago i fucking flushed my debit card down the toilet. not on purpose, not some weird misguided protest. it squeezed out of my pocket as i turned to flush and walk out the stall. there was no time to save it. got a nice little cut trying though.

rotten luck with toilets this week...
so now i have to wait until next week to go to the spa. if i can hold on to $30 on my other debit card between now and then. it really adds to my stress level and list of shit i don't need.

i think God is testing me right now. not in a bad way, like i've been fucking up so long it's my punishment. but seeing how i handle the stuff i've dealt with the last month to see if i'm ready for the next big phase. i don't think i'm doing too well. but maybe He'll tell me where i need room for improvement, or be patient with me till i figure it out. He knows i'm usually a smart cookie. He and i have that kind of relationship. He tells me through signs exactly what He wants, and i do it. no vague 'maybe He means this, or maybe i should do that.' i asked Him a long time ago to be clear with me. give me recognizable, easy to understand signs, and i'll follow them. to date, He has not lacked in this request.

i went a bit deep there, sharing my faith in God. i'm not uber religious. i just believe that everyone should have faith in something, have something to look forward to or believe in. i have a personal relationship with God. just Him and me. some people revere the Goddess. some people are followers of Allah, Buddha, Ganesha, or nothing at all. and that's ok. i knock no one's faith or lack thereof. all i know is what works for me, so i stay the fuck in my lane.

i feel a bit better, getting this blog out. and i talked my little into loaning me gas money till friday. she's good for something sometimes tomorrow is my day off from work so i can't say if there will be a blog or not. hopefully so. maybe something amazing will happen or i will have some thought provoking moment. until then though, stay with me...

Sunday, October 5, 2014

28: welp

apparently i am blowing up in france. thank you, or rather, merci.

so this must be an every other day blog now, since when i get busy, i only remember the next day that i didn't post. that kind of works for me.

work was horrible yesterday, so i went home drank 3/4 of a beer and fell asleep on skyrim. but i did this

today is only slightly better. but i have  no crafts to show for it. i've spent most of my shift making halloween backgrounds for my monitors. but damn do they look good.

anywho, about this blog. the challenge is winding down to an end. this post is from yesterday, i left work early yesterday and failed to finish it. but today is just as good.

'what's the next challenge, kits?'

not sure my babies, but i think it should be a fitness challenge. or a japanese challenge. i believe i've mentioned these things before. it needs to be something i need and want to do. lil bro will be leaving for japan in less than a week. and i certainly need to lose weight. so maybe getting fit for a trip to japan is the way to go.

i want to start with the language. a coworker of mine has Rosetta Stone for german, and even though i'm not learning that language, it may be fun to be language buddies, motivating each other to further our language education. she also wants to lose some lb's so we could probably do that too.

since she's started working together, we seem to be syncing up to do a lot of things. she also wants to play some dnd on our days off. and if i can help it, i will never turn down a dnd session. and who doesn't need new friends.

speaking of new friends, and i think i'm rambling a lot of free thought now, but it's good, makes up for all the days i barely posted a sentence, i've been in the market for a mate lately. i even prayed about it. something i have never done in regards to romance. but i was specific, so maybe, soon, my prayer will be answered. i'm looking and waiting for you, partner. my good, chubby, nerdy person who likes anime, video games and fat persons.

i think i'm done. maybe i'll remember to blog tomorrow. or have something so sensational to share that i won't forget. either way, there is more of the Cataclysm to come. so please, as always, stay with me...

Thursday, October 2, 2014

27: fuck

forgot to blog again yesterday.

my days off are the worst. I tend to be busy when not strapped to a desk for 8 hrs.

today's been a day. went to the part time and had my annual review. I'm doing pretty good,  just need to be a little slower and make sure I get my bid badges right.

after work I hung with the lils till bro had to go to his recruiting office. we had a massive storm today, took out the power for over three hours. which was inconvenient as I had to get dressed for dinner at my moms in the dark(ish).

dinner was good though. a lot of people brought food by since my uncle passed, so impromptu family dinner. then, the ground beef exploded. a skillet of meat my mother was simmering literally exploded for no reason at all. it was a crazy massive mess that took an hour to clean.

came home and the lights were on, but the cable is out in the area.

wish today was more interesting than a diary entry, but hey, they can't all be wieners. try again tomorrow, stay with me...