im shutting down this blog. Maybe it will resurface one I have anything to say or anyone to say it to.

beautiful update

No, nothing amazing happened. Literally nothing ever happens to or for me. But I'm pretty sure this time I'm actually over Mike. Like really over. He didn't do anything, neither did I. Just, late last week I just felt, done. Not sure why, my interest has apparently just run its course. I did spend some amount of time on facebook seeing if he was seeing me. He wasn't, not that he's ever really on that much anyway. But the next day, I just didn't feel like it. Like, it was tedious trying to get his attention, seeing if I succeeded, it wasn't cute, and I knew the wouldn't be a resolution for me. So I stopped.
I'm so emptied out, just so tired of trying, it's all been pretty fucking stupid from the onset anyway. He's liked a post or two this week and I just smile a little and keep it moving. You had your chance bro, you really did.
A petty part of me wants to tell him now. Like ' look how great I'm doing with you not liking me!' But its to fresh. If I did that now and he showed even the slightest sign of inclination, I'd be back down that dark rabbit hole again. So in a few months, maybe next year, if the conversation steers in such a direction, I'll let him know. I imagined him saying 'aw, why didn't you let me know?' If course in my head is be screaming 'i did, you blind fuck!', but i'd just politely reply, ' you weren't interested.' And leave it at that. That's how I like to hope it goes down, if it ever does.

just... stop.

Last night. Was frustrating for the entire group because of Nikki and her kid. She's really a shitty parent and both she and iyala were getting on our nerves. Nikki for being wasted and iyala for just generally being a brat.
Mike got upset a time or two and by the end of the night decided they weren't welcome in his game anymore.
I'm just tired, really. I want to be over Mike. Sassy and black aside, I'm pretty sure it's a weight thing. Which I can understand. Don't like it, but understand. He like most of society is indoctrinated with the beauty standard that thin in good, fat is bad.
But I'm not rushing to lose weight. I probably should, if nothing else to lower my blood pressure, but I can't list it the way I want to, so until then, I'm good. I'm ok being a biggen.
So we are at an impasse. Rather, I am. I'm not changing, but I'm also not doing it for him, so it's all a no-go. I know this, my stupid brain just won't accept what it knows. So I do stupid stuff, hoping against reason I could maybe woo him. But really I just feel foolish after. It's insanity really, to do the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Guess I'm crazy as hell then.
Yeah, I knew that too...

I just keep bumpin my head

Over it, again. As is the norm a few days after D&D. I'm all hot and bothered, then ignored, then bitter. Me no know what to do, man.
I gotta keep the mantra: Never hope for anything. That way you'll never be disappointed.
And I'm only disappointing myself. Mike gives no fucks. I'm just a black girl, which he's into so he flirts, but not into me, so that's as fucking far as it goes. I don't know what it takes to go forward. I don't want to know. I want to give no fucks like him. What a bitch gotta do to get on his level?
Shit

So about Saturday night

I suspect I'll never get over Mike. Unless a powerful miracle happens. But my luck has never been that great.
It was weird to start with. None of the regular crew was there, but another one of his coworkers came, the coworker Nikki that I was completely wrong about, and brought her little girl. Sweet child just nosy and a lil too spice for me, but cute.
At first we were all responsible adults and kept the swearing, innuendo and other child inappropriate comments to a minimum. Then, we started drinking. And lips got very loose
Like, by proxy, you're obligated to swear more and talk about filthier stuff when you're not supposed to around someone's kid. Mom was really cool a about it all, saying lil mama had heard worse. Still, doesn't mean we should contribute to her vocabulary. Like when I expressed how much i love all iterations of the word fuck. Because I really, really do. I said fucktard in my mini diatribe and she came to the door and asked what a fucktard is. I quickly reminded her that just because you hear a word, doesn't mean you can repeat it.
Mike was just as bad, if not worse, telling me a pretty graphic story about getting back at his noisy neighbors by tongue fucking his extra loud ex girlfriend. Cool story bro, but could you try that on me next time?
I swear, I feel like this is some weird backwards ass flirting he's doing sometimes. But it never goes anywhere. Then other times I think he sees me as just one of the guys that wants to hear his tales of sexual conquests. The latter is particularly annoying since I'd like to be a sexual conquest. But apparently he likes slutty chicks. Maybe I need to up my game and come to a session half dressed. But this would be too obvious. And not me. I've certainly got filthy mind and willing to try or do many things. But he don't need to know that shit out the gate. Have some mystic, keep them wondering. I really like that people never really know what to expect with me. My one unique charm, I suppose.
Meh, all that to say that I'm stupid, but so is he. Let the games continue...

one by one

Today I'm just mad. Everything you do just pisses me off more. Feels good. Granted, its mostly my fault for giving a damn in the first place, but now I just feel mocked.






In other news, had some music...
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xQ04WbgI9rg

Weird, per usual

Sometimes I'm so strong and fearless and empowered that I know I don't need Mike and I can do better than to pine after someone whose radar I've never even been on.
And other times I'm full of such pitiful and disgusting despair I despise my own existence.
Today is the former, despite this fucking lady time.
I'm honestly tired of wanting men in general. What have I ever gotten out of any of this aside from disappointed? Shit, and a pretty fucked up brain at this point. I don't want to want anymore; I want to be wanted. Sought after, desired. And I want to give no fucks about their hearts. I want these motherfuckers to feel the bullshit I've felt for almost 30 years.
Only issue with this fantasy is that it's literally sound and fury. I'm nobody's cup of tea. At least not anyone I'd actually consider dating. Unrealistic standards, high expectations, too picky, whatever, I am that. Because I hate my time being wasted. And if I met some guy that did fancy me, but I know his ass can't keep up, I'll be dammed if I'm going to invest any part of my life in him.
So alone I shall stay. The hardest part is realizing, remembering, and staying strong in the hard times. I need a miracle.
And yeah, I used his real name. The fuck difference does it make, no one will ever read this anyway...

a friend, from work, named nikki..

if its anyone other than my friend Nicole, I'm going to lose my shit. And it ain't her. So guess weekday I'm gonna lose?




quick run down, haven't played d&d in almost a month because frankly people have lives. So the DM messages me to ask if I'm coming this weekend, valentines day. I throw out there that I'm single, still hoping against all I've seen and know that he'll bite. He doesn't. instead we talk about who else might come. J's aunt is sick, which is upsetting because I know her situation. J's girl probably won't come because he's not coming and she needs to support him at this time, all understandable. L's not coming because husband... Blah blah bleh blah, none of this is really that important to this post. The DM tells me one of our old players is returning, and maybe his wife. And then, a friend from work named Nikki might come.


my unfounded perturbance: Nikki is generally a black girl's name/nickname. The DM "almost exclusively dates black women. So in my poor stupid brain he's introducing the chick he likes at work to his nerdy fantasy world. I've no doubt she's a hardbody, as that is apparently also what he goes for.


this is all very stupid, as I'm jealous of a woman I don't know, can only conjecture about, over someone I've never even really has a chance with. I've literally zero room for anything.


but maybe this is what's supposed to happen, on valentines eve, and the eve of yet another anniversary of the cataclysm. Just the reminder I need for where it all began and what it all means, and the reaffirmation of what I know to be true: There is no one true nerd, no one wants this fat black weirdo.


I need to think of a way to commemorate another year of this blog and of being single and unhappy. Should be momentous and heartbreaking, stay worth me...

not feeling great...

been a while. Can't tell you all thayd happened since I last posted, one, because the majority of it is very uneventful. And two, the thing of note are all negative.


just gonna touch on the right now, if I may.


you'll notice some of my words are capitalized, where normally I don't do that. Well kids, chalk that up to the Windows phone I had to buy when my beloved apple stopped working. And somewhere in settings I haven't cared to explore there is a button to make it stop capitalizing after periods. Not ab bad phone though, but its not great either.


I've lost my mind concerning the DM. That id all I wish to say on that subject.


in other news, I'm very poor, very in debt, and I have a hard time figuring daily how to alleviate my situations in life.


pretty sure I'm functioning depressed. If that's a thing.


I could probably die tonight and be ok. Sucks for whoever has to clear out my stuff, its horrible in here.


I have very little connection to anyone or anything other than this cat and dog. I think the cat senses my uneasiness and keeps me company. Or he sees death and doom lurking about me.


I'm so disconnected from everything. I just don't know that this is normal. I don't have anyone to ask.


and I'm coming off being sick with something. Sinuses, a cold, whatever. Been a suck three days with this shit et al.


I thin I'm done. I'm tired, kind of hungry and I need to wash my hair.


I need something good to happen in my life. Really soon. The bad is killing me. The Lord doesn't put more on you than you can bear. But He's certainly pushing my limits. Maybe ill pray on it, a good thing. See if it works this time. But knowing my life, the answer is probably already no.

pathetic

quick rant: thirsty, desperate, lonely ass women disgust me. really they do. you're willing to fall in one shitty relationship one right after another just to be with a man, to say you have one, to run from alone and whatever lies and demons that are in you. in six months you've been with three men, one you married under cover of darkness, and I doubt the ink is dry on the divorce papers, if either of you even filed for divorce, and you're up canoodling with some other joker. I don't believe God disadvantages people to show them a lesson, but in kind of willing to believe he does with you. Every relationship I've ever known you to be in has crashed and burned horribly. and I've known you what, 7 years or so? if the math holds true, which it almost dies, and you burn through at least three men a year, that's almost 25 men you've been in 'serious' relationships with in that time. why can you not see the problem is you?

you are needy, demanding, gold digging, dependent, you rush shit, you don't get to know these dudes. they pay your ass half a minute of attention and you want to marry them. seriously, how the fuck can you ignore your most serious flaw and behavior problem? just because there are plenty of fish in the sea doesn't mean you have to catch every fucking one.

ok, I'm done. need to get back to work anyway. probably more on this shit later, when you get your heart broken behind some stupid bullshit...

quoth the raven 'nevermore'

I wish I'd seen that pic ages ago.

under normal circumstances, I fantasize about the DM all day, every day. today was little exception, especially with the onset of mah lady time, that shit.

but I've been stifling it, with great success the last two days, just picturing the hardbody in the the pink body suit. or imagining said woman fucking the DM. they are brief imaginings, because immediately my libido drops.

interesting thing, though. on break this afternoon, I was on Facebook and accidentally tapped the friend request thing. this never gets tapped because I don't want to be friends with any of the people it suggests normally. except my cute lil gay coworker was the first name, probably because we have iPhones, tracking us in the same location. so I was like, cool. I added him and then checked who else might be on there I wouldn't mind adding, when I came across a familiar name and a pic of a dog I know very well.

now back in the summer, I sent him a request that went unanswered for at least a month before I redacted it. today, however, before that ten minute break was up, he added me. were you on Facebook at the time? it's like 130-140. I know you're at work, did you get a notification? the fuck made you respind that quick? old me would have been gleeful as shit, and been planning weddings and how we'd introduce all these animals to each other. but new me stays firm, and thinks about that chick again.

that's it for story time for now, I gotta get gas and pee. stay with me...

words

so I took a quiz on Facebook that analyzes your most used words. no great algorithm, it just goes through probably a year of posts and counts which ones come up most. my results

honestly, I expected 'fuck' to be a top word. but maybe this thing is censored. what did surprise me was 'hate'. I don't like to think I'm a hateful person, but apparently I use that word frequently. I don't like that. I used it approximate the same amount as 'love', not as much as 'like'. not sure why I say 'just' so much though. I suppose I say it in exasperation, i.e.,' just stop'. a lot of apostrophes in that paragraph.

either way, of the eight words, two are negative, two are positive, the rest are fairly neutral. then there's that 'want'. that sounds awful. wanting all the time? while I do want for much, I don't like to sound needy about it.

it is a new day in a new year, and with the knowledge that words are power, this kind of ties into a new project I've been doing. everyday around 1030 I stop what I'm doing and post words of wisdom, inspiration, love, positive things. most people don't read them, but I do appreciate the likes and occasional comment. I use several different sources, but I don't name them in the post; quotes from Buddha, the Christian/Jewish bible, the Quran, various influentials. I want people to focus on the message, not the messenger, because anything and anyone can be a source of inspiration.

with this new knowledge that I 'hate' and 'want' so much, I'm going try to make the effort to improve my regular word choices. I'm still going to swear like a sailor and occasionally be less that PC, but I want to make words my strength again, not a weakness. the bible says death and life are in the power of the tongue. it's so true, the things these little character strings can wrought. ugh, I'm in awe of their power, and saddened by their misuse. so I will use them better, to my benefit, and to that of the people I meet and encounter.

off to use words wisely! stay with me!

confirmation

I mean, I already know I was too fat to date. accepted that. but the confirmation came to night.

DM is flipping through pics on his compute, looking for some image he saved for the game. most are sexy half naked fantasy chicks. no big surprise there, as is the norm. but he goes by a picture of a woman in a pink body suit. real woman. the pic didn't show her face but you kind of didn't need to. she's a fucking hardbody, tall, tight fit. I saw it and was like 'whoa, enough of that'. he explains she's in some group he's in, blah, blah, what the fuck ever. she's taking and sending you pics. you're more than acquaintances or friends.

my fat ass will never come close to anything like that. so add yet another man to the list of guys I like but take zero interest in me.

the tough part is being in close proximity so frequently. and I love his dogs. but every time I leave it's a little bit easier to deal. someday this crush will wear off and he'll just be a dude I hang out with, not a dude I want to date...

I'm sleepy as fuck, so let me go to bed. stay with me...

still, it's all so odd. how can everything be so coincidental and still so wrong?

a little follow up

so a few days back I posted about the white girls and their pregnant asses. today I find a black/married friend is knocked up with her second kid two.

I'm sick of these women and their kids. I don't want to be pregnant or even have kids at this stage of my life. but I also don't want to hear about your fucking kids either.

that's where I am. almost everyone I know is couples, married, or married with kids. there are not many hold outs left of the single life. and while most of them are still good to hang, it's going to be at the permission of their partner or they are a fucking package deal.

even though I'm way sick of the couples and kids, I've identified the reason for my single status, so I'm ok. I just have to smile and be supportive and keep my seething to myself. fake it till you make it, Kits, one day you'll give a damn about other people again. maybe...

I get it now

I get why I'm single. don't worry, this won't be a kits' crybaby pity party. just fact.

I'm really fucking fat. like, rolly fat, all over. I'm so fat in fact that it encompasses any personality I have. you can't get to see who and what I really am for the fat. fat blocked, can't see me for the fat. none of these are working, moving on.

sucks though. I do have my shining moments. really the question is, at the beginning of this new year, do I do anything about it? everyone in my family weighs less than me, I am the fat one. and fatter than anyone I consider a friend. I suppose these things should be motivation. but at the same time, it makes me feel defiant. been fat all my life, what difference should it make now? and how dare you shame me for it. all that lot. both sides of a big ole fat coin.

I dunno. I kind of care, but i don't, and I lack both the encouragement and drive to actually work out. I just don't know. mystery solved though. another case closed...

feel like a chat...

it's New Year's Eve. I'm going to Oklahoma tonight with my sis and her son to winstar. that's cool and everything.  I'm glad to be getting out the house and doing something different.

the lil annoyed me though. wanted to lay up in my house tonight with her boyfriend. nope! you are the shittiest roommate and houseguest ever. so you're not allowed unless I'm there and consenting. I do not give consent.

in other news, I asked j about his shitty cowboy tickets and he made a remark about the DM. I replied with confusion, hoping for clarification. he did not clarify. whatever. DM had his chance.

it's a new year. 2015 was shitty to me for eight months. this year, I'm pampering the fuck out of myself. I'm going to be more selfish of myself and my time more than ever. no one else is going to take care of me but me, fuck them. so it's about time that I do it.

2016 spring break is going to be too short to do anything, but 2017, week vaca, I want to do some traveling. hell, maybe even a little the end of 2016. this is my one go round, I don't want to die completely boring.

well, I didn't have anything of real value to say, that's it. stay with me...

wait a minute...

I just had a thought so profound I had to sit myself down and think about it.

scrolling through Facebook real quick, just to check the latest statuses and saw a friend announce her second pregnancy. another friend is teaching her toddler life lessons. another friend post daily the stage of her pregnancy. and I'm over here, single and childless like 

then it occurred to me what all these women have in common. they are all white (one is Hispanic, but married to a white dude and isn't very ethnic, so we gone call her white too, cause she ain't black. see my point below).

all happily married, settled, mothering. of my black friends, of which there is approximately an equal amount, I can count the married ones on one hand, and  there are a few single moms. the rest, the majority, single/divorced, no kids. it's not just me. it's just black women in general. why don't people want us?

there have been sooo many discussions about who the black women is. what the black woman means and stands for, the stereotypes and the need for redefinition of the black woman. I can't even deal right now with the simple thought that me, personally, have to coon and shine with just about everyone I know to be accepted. as an Afro-weirdo , their is no singular safe category I can fit into. with whites, I'm the token. with blacks, I more or less have to disregard my own interests.

but that's me, I'm not normal to start with. let's expand this thought. professional black women. bless you if you're there, girl. but let me recognize your struggle. you got there, through hard work and sheer determination, you're being recognized and awarded what you are due. but you still have to constantly prove yourself capable, because as a black women you are expected to either pop off and go 'angry black woman', slack off, or get knocked up, reducing your effectiveness in the workplace, none of which are valid, but that is the expectation, the belief.

let's visit the other end of the spectrum, the disadvantaged black woman. you already have it hard, maybe living ina poor economic situation, bad home life, abused perhaps. the expectation for any other race would be 'you're at the bottom, the only place to go is up!', thus pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and getting to a better state any way you can. but not for black women. with us, it's 'you're at the bottom, but let's see how much deeper you can go', the implication being that you're already disenfranchised, make it worse by having six kids by five men, do drugs and hook to survive.

 

what does this have to do with relationships and babies, kits? well I'm glad you asked, so let me tell you. this is why my black friends are mostly single or single moms. black women are the most  discriminated against group amongst Americans. now the caveat to this is that in the current political climate Muslims have it very rough any manyof them are fearful of the direction the country is headed. but even they have a definable place. peaceful hater of Islamic terrorists, or terrorist supporters. back to the black woman, though, where the fuck do we belong? we don't support each other as the beautiful sisters that we are, we struggle to find support among our black men, we are shunned if we find acceptance from another race or culture, and there is the ever present expectation of explosive or erratic behavior from us. where the fuck are supposed to go and what are we supposed to do in the constant crossfire?

I don't know. I'm just a lonely, fat, single black person. I'm just tired of being the girl outside while everyone else around me lives these beautiful amazing lives.. whatever, rant over. stay with me...

yay

I'm ok, really ok. and I'm glad about it. do I wish things had gone a different way, sure. but I'm also getting past the irrational behavior and just doing me. someday my nerd will come, I guess, I hope. in the meantime, I'm ok.

Sunday

so today wasn't too bad. I'm still upset and angry and confused an unhappy about last night. but family and friends made me feel a special.

went to church, helped out a lot, got free food. a middle aged church lady needed to go to a popular beauty supply store and asked if I wanted to come with. I agreed, and we spent a lot of time talking and just enjoying the day. she even offered to buy me very expensive hair. which I declined for now, seeing as I know a fair amount about her financial situation and she's having major surgery later this week. but she promised to buy it during tax season.

while we were wrapping up our shopping, my sister called and invited me to try a restaurant we've been talking about for months. so a few hours later she picks me up and we drive to the spot. this place is wild. very ethnic and at the time we get there, bumping like a night club. it is an unusual business model: the serve daquaris of all flavours in plastic jugs, along with various creole Cajun foods. it's run by people from Louisiana, and tonight they have watch parties for New Orleans Saints games, who won tonight. we get to the counter and my sister pays for my drink and I use the ten the church lady gave me to buy a meal. I got the second size in their line up, Allen the professional, a quart of your daquaris choice

this thing was freezing and strong as hell. mine is the orange one and it didn't make it much past that before we left the restaurant. but it's cool, because here's the wildest part about this place: in Texas, you can't leave a business that serves alcohol in an open container. no straws, sippy cups, styrafoam, none of that. this place gets around that rule by resealing your jug with a new cap as you leave. so even if you down half of it, if a cop looks at it, the can't call it an open container because the seal isn't broken. because we drink frequently and heavily, I'm going to get a half gallon for our next game night.

speaking of...

so I had a good time today,despite last night's meltdown. at this point, I just don't get the DM. I went into last night with everything turned off. no flirting, no emotion; just a chick playing dnd at a dudes house. but he was back at the weird flirty thing again. and he stared at me all night. I caught him once and the look on his eye was just... pure desire.  and then he looked away. I just want to know what the deal is. that's all I've ever wanted. but this man is a riddle wrapped in a mystery wrapped in an enigma.

I could go on more because I'm so perturbed by his behaviour. but I've also had a long day and I'm sleepy.

I'm sure you want off this coaster but please, stay with me...