Sometimes I'm so strong and fearless and empowered that I know I don't need Mike and I can do better than to pine after someone whose radar I've never even been on.
And other times I'm full of such pitiful and disgusting despair I despise my own existence.
Today is the former, despite this fucking lady time.
I'm honestly tired of wanting men in general. What have I ever gotten out of any of this aside from disappointed? Shit, and a pretty fucked up brain at this point. I don't want to want anymore; I want to be wanted. Sought after, desired. And I want to give no fucks about their hearts. I want these motherfuckers to feel the bullshit I've felt for almost 30 years.
Only issue with this fantasy is that it's literally sound and fury. I'm nobody's cup of tea. At least not anyone I'd actually consider dating. Unrealistic standards, high expectations, too picky, whatever, I am that. Because I hate my time being wasted. And if I met some guy that did fancy me, but I know his ass can't keep up, I'll be dammed if I'm going to invest any part of my life in him.
So alone I shall stay. The hardest part is realizing, remembering, and staying strong in the hard times. I need a miracle.
And yeah, I used his real name. The fuck difference does it make, no one will ever read this anyway...