took a look at myself today. yech. honestly, I don't know why I bother. I just can't get this man out of my head. horoscope, for what it's worth, said my answer would be clear today. it was not. but at the same time, I guess it is.
I thought to myself 'I just want to know, yea or nay,' but that thought was quickly followed by one of my favourite lines from Gosford Park, 'what purpose would it serve?' if it's yea, neither of us are going to act on it beside making other people extremely conscious of our flirting. and if it's nay, I've got this stupid dream life I've built up that I have to start tearing down. the latter is probably for the best though.
I'm giving it one last shot, Friday. I've got a party the night of our next session. I'm going to pretend I forgot to tell him and say I'll see him in November. if I don't play that night it will be a full month before he sees me again. the ball is in his court at that point to properly invite me over. last time he did it was after both of us were fully drunk, and he said if I ever wanted to come by to let him know. I read what he said, j heard it and read it too. but I can't operate that way, legit. I know it's stupid and old fashioned and both of us are literally too old for these shitty games, but I want to be courted, at least a little bit, before I basically turn hardcore and buck nasty.
ugh, whatever man. I'm tired of always being unhappy not knowing. after Friday, the last, last straw(yet I've heard myself say that shit before), I'll take the necessary actions to get in or move on. there's alway the okcupid guy, I guess.
eventually this roller coaster will end. stay with me...
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