Thursday, October 29, 2015


I waffle back and forth every week. but I have to reiterate how tired I am.

I don't think I'm gonna pursue the DM any more. I mean really, he's not getting any of my hints, responding to my flirts. I know I'm not doing any of them well but fuck's sake; you're a grown ass man that has been in some number of romantic relationships. do I literally have to throw my vagina at you to get you to notice? actually I kind of might have to, based on something he said before, but I digress...

I say this, and as soon as I look at his scrawny little pale face I'll think how handsome he is and go gooey again. but I don't think I can put in the effort anymore. especially since I'm getting no reciprocation at all.

then there's the other notion that he gets it but isn't interested. which just makes him a bastard for flirting with me. maybe, I don't know, I don't know how to romance.

or he gets it and he's interested but won't make the leap, for whatever reason. which would also be annoying. because really, why the hell not? get some balls, accept rejection if it comes. it wouldn't, but he don't know that.

yet as I say that, I am the same. I lack balls and conviction and I remain in a state of terror at what the response would be.

but he's an older guy with what I would assume are 'old fashioned' ideals that a guy should pursue a lady, date and marry her. yet he's also been married to an awful woman, apparently, for a relatively short time. he may just be playing the field for, approximately nine years. whatever, again, I don't know how this shit works.

it's weird, I think about the lil and her beau, how they just kind of fell into a relationship. nothing grand and magical. maybe it's supposed to be like that. every relationship is different I guess?. every whatever this is is different too. so be it resolved, again: if he makes moves great. if not, I just gotta deal. no more going out of my way for any of this. I probably look stupid or standoffish, but, really, it's his game. choose he how he will to play it.

it's not about me. I've already resigned myself to a life of solitude. but I wouldn't mind riding along with someone else if they would have me.

it's always been that way, I realise. I don't go out of my way to do or say anything to anyone out of a feeling, for lack of a better word, of being an imposition,or unwanted.

i've never been wanted. the sad revelations are coming home to roost on this early morning commute. I won't get into details, but I don't think I've been genuinely wanted. occasionally people don't mind my company, but I've never felt anyone say, 'it's you, you have to be there with me.'

also, I spend probably more time than I should in fear, especially fear of 'what if'.

these are probably some of the reasons I'm alone. just some...

whatever. I need some music now. no tag line, not for this one. this post is desperate enough as is...

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