mental health

looks like what little "audience" i had has left me. fitting, considering today's chat.

so there's this app called talkspace where you text licensed therapists. this sounded like a tremendous idea, because a lot of people have phones, but don't have access to mental health professionals. like me.

so i downloaded it and opened her up. there's message from a therapist introducing herself and what she does and how the app works. i was a little intimidated, thinking i was about to open up to a therapist for the first time about a lot of shit, until i got to the bottom of the intro and there was a coupon for $25 off your first session. so... it's pay for play. a little more research in the app itself and they have yearly, monthly and weekly plans. while it's cheaper and more convenient than face to face sessions with a therapist, it's still looking at between $900-1300 a year.

as fantastic as the idea is, and as gung ho as i was to get professional help, i don't got it. so, i won't get it. it's disappointing, but there's nothing free in life, not even help.

so where does that leave me in my desire to have someone to talk to and open up to? looking at you right now, baby. this blog is all i got. i'm a strongly private person, to a fault apparently. i don't talk to family or friends when i have thoughts, feelings or problems. i withdraw and deal. i don't trust people with my life because i don't feel they care. i won't get more into than that, not in this post at least.

while i like the outlet to just spill my guts unfettered and without judgement, there's no feedback. no one to say yes, no or otherwise. i can identify issues and maybe even sources thereof, but as far as constructive ways to improve, i'm just blowing in the wind

like so...

i don't wager at this point i will ever run into anyone i feel comfortable being myself around. no friend, family, significant other can handle this level of freak. the lil is close, but even then i don't trust her to not absorb my doubts and issues as her own, as she tends to do with other people. plus she kind of gets on my nerves with her tumblr-righteous attitude on a lot of things.

i just want a reassurance sometimes. most times i'm good, but in the times i'm not, i just want a soul, almost any soul, to care enough to give me that assurance.

i'm done, i feel like i've gone into ramble mode. more later, stay with me...