vs

the fantasy is all I have from day to day. until the moment. in the moment, reality and fantasy merge and I believe anything is possible. but after the moment, when reality seeps back in and the fantasy is unfulfilled, the darkest sadness comes on. to combat the sadness, I return to the fantasy. and, despite knowing it's all a terrible delusion, I feel better. for a while, for the most part. then the cycle repeats itself in a fortnight.

I want out of this vicious loop. I want reality to destroy the fantasy or the fantasy to become reality. this limbo is more than I can stand

as I lamented my insecurities via social media, I was told this by a friend:

You just have to put it in the right words...trust me it can still be done!!!

so all day I 've pondered just saying. just putting myself on the line, come what may. I wrote out what I'd say, because I was feeling very nearly stupid enough to say them. they are written, but remain unsaid. and may be so for eternity.

reread those words, a few days later, after a little tweaking, and they still sound very stupid. I can't seem to make my thirst sound casual. this upsets me a bit, as I pride myself on being somewhat of a wordsmith. guess that's why some things are better left unsaid.

with that being said, I'm gonna post this days old, rambling ass post. stay with me..,