Tuesday, November 24, 2015


whyyy? the fuck is wrong with me?!

so Saturday, D&D, per the usual, I made food and the DM offered to clean the pot I brought. why not, less work for me and I don't immediately need that pot. i say cool, and if I need it, I know where you live. he offhandedly says come by any time. I also bought the rest of a bottle of liquor, which I wanted to keep. I texted him Sunday just to see if he kept it. he did and asked if I wanted to come and get it. I went gooey. this is not the first invitation I've received to just 'come over.' more like the third or fourth. but I was steadfast and told him I couldn't come that day because I was attending a wake. which, turns out, I was totally too lazy to actually go to. and I knew he was playing on Monday via Skype with some people? the way he talked about them, he knew them, but not overly well. so I says I don't want to interrupt his game, so I'll come by after work Tuesday. today. and now I'm a bundle of fucking giddy school girl nerves. and it's only 8:40 in the damn morning. I don't know what to fucking expect, I don't know what to do, how long to stay. just, a shit storm of thoughts and probably misplaced emotion. and the lady time just ended, so I'm in my feelings too. I want to vomit and masturbate. not at the same time and not necessarily in that order. this should not be that big a deal. just a brief social call to shoot the shit and get my stuff out of his house, that's all. but, it will also be the first time we've been alone without risk of interruption. and I don't  know what he's thinking. I don't think he'll jump me, but, I just don't know anything. I need a game plan, a face to wear, an attitude to have. I'm not going to rush in and out, that would be rude. I can't stay all night either though, I got work in the morning. I am just sooo weird right now I can't even fully function. I'm scattered as fuck and so nervous! I can't stop smiling for no damn good reason. legit, I don't know where his head is at, so he may just want company. I kind of think he gets lonely  out there with just the dogs. I can relate. when I don't have a full social calendar, I've spent a lonely night or two on Netflix.

ok, whatevs, just need to go in like I always do, expecting nothing. just normal kits, friendly and polite. that way I cant be disappointed. maybe just surprised if something should happen. pleasantly surprised. but I won't expect it or look forward to it.

but I'm going on the record as saying if he kisses me, I'm going to lose my shit.

more of this absolute insanity when I get home tonight. stay with me...

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