Saturday, August 22, 2015

what the fuck is wrong with me?

I don't like talking to people.

this isn't job related. this is me, adult human person more or less unhappy and uncomfortable talking to people. especially people I don't know or don't know well. I literally want them to shut up. why are you still talking, I've contributed all I'm willing to this conversation. do all people talk this much and unnecessarily?

I'm of the mind to adopt the Newspeak of 1984. talk in acronyms and only what's necessary. Christ I hate small talk and jibber jabber. it's why I don't talk to friends or loved ones for long periods of time because I just don't have anything to say to you unless it's important. why am I expected to do more?

I'm social and can hold a conversation. it's not that I'm incapable or hate people. I just do not feel the need for extraneous bullshit.

this has now causes me problems with the internet guy. he REALLY wants to call me. has for about a month now. and it freaks me out. we have no shortage of tomfoolery to talk about online, but what do you want me to say on the phone? I'm not the soft squishy type. I'm not a chatterbox. what exact can we get accomplished do I can get off this phone?

had a small panic attack before I 'conceded' and gave him my number. not the fake 972-fuc-koff. told him not to call immediately. or have high expectations either. because he shouldn't, because I dont like talking.

one tiny brick comes out of the wall. i'm scared as fuck, honestly. but I take a little consolation that it's just one and not all of my hard built walls crashing in on me at once. literally anything will happen at this point. either we grow and fall in love, life will change. either we decide to just be friends, life will change. either we end up hating each other, life will change. or we drift away, life will change then too.

I suppose I'm mostly afraid of the change, not knowing what it will be. not terribly healthy, but better than not trying anything old and continuing to stagnate.

still, I can't stop thinking about the dm. honestly, one nod in my direction and I won't remember this internet guy. I've got it a bit bad for him really. good thing he's out of town this weekend, gives me time to cool my drawers. probably need to try to dail it back a bit, start looking for negatives to counteract my crush. for one, he's diabetic. and while that's not normally life threatening and he is controlling it, disease and sickness make me nervous in a relationship. room for personal growth, really...

alright, time to go back to the Internet convo, see if I've talked my way out of another relationship...

probably need to re-evaluate this tag line, but until then, stay with me...

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