whatever

ebeen on the Internet dating sites for a week now. it's been more or less a waste of time. none of these jokers can keep up a conversation. I'm not saying they should cater to me and want to know my whole life story, but have something of interest to say. there's been a few I felt an interest in? but I can only ask so many questions, I'm not about to carry an entire conversation. especially when you these jokers are messaging me. I've gone out my way to message two people, other than that, dudes, and a couple of chicks, messages

me and literally say nothing. ridiculous.

I also don't think they have the same expectations. they want someone so desperate for love and a relationship they'll hop into bed or give out their phone numbers after the fist message, nooo, no way jose.

I suppose there's a reason they ended up online dating. me on the other hand can't real life or Internet date..

been a while

I should talk about my absence and the life changes that occurred within that time. but I don't want to talk about that until I'm in a comfortable place. I want to talk about my death.

when I die, I will be one of those corpses people don't find until I start to smell. if I die in the summer, it will be sooner than later, which is good. I hope I don't have pets. they will eat me. from what I understand, the mourning period for cats is very short before they start chomping on owner meat. if I died right now, it would still be a day at least before my little sis realised. she's just that lazy, oblivious and self centered.

I don't have anyone to notice if I'm dead. this will become worse as I'm older because I don't have anyone. if I went now, one person might know something was up when I didn't show up for dnd, then investigate a bit. what about when I'm 70, 80 years old and probably won't be playing anymore. I just drop off alone and no one will be around to know.

no one wants me. never have, never will. that's kind of sad. but I don't know how to fix it. people I would like don't notice me. I am invisible. unless it's people I would never be happy with, then I get all the nods. it's very frustrating and disappointing.

I thought about internet dating again. but I also thought how horrible and shallow Internet dating is. it's just a fuck fest, how to con people just long enough to meet in person and fuck them. I cannot and will not be conned. I hate my time and effort being wasted. that's really my only demand. well, must love animals, gaming, anime and nerd life. everything else will sort itself. looks don't matter too much to me. age is kind of important, but negotiable. i want a male version of me, kind of, I think. a little bit of a scary thought, but that's the only person I can see myself with. me.

but he doesn't exist. not in my limited circles. don't even know where I'd find him. so, I'll stay with me and be miserable every once in a while.

one last thing, I'll mention what brought this on, my jealousy. normally I don't care what people got. good for them for getting it. but this, this that has eluded me pretty much all my life, it upsets me to see others with it, while I don't know Thing A about it. not that they don't deserve companionship, because they do, because for the most part, I know flipping amazing people. but how did you get it before me? what charm did you use, was there some trick? what do I need to do different to have a better chance? I don't know the answer to any of these questions and it truly depresses me. I don't know how or what to do to meet someone I like and have a relationship. I'm 34 this year and have dated two guys I didn't like very much and one guy I liked, we just kind of fucked around. 3 guys, 30 years. and let's not be honest about sex. that's tear-invoking. but I ain't had it... never mind.

I'm supposed to be up, getting ready to get to church. yet I'm laying here wallowing in clothes and depression. don't even know how I'll function at church today. everything is so wrong in my life right now, it would be nice if I had that one thing as a comfort. someone to complain to who would care. share my worry with that would offer support. someone to take my mind off things and remind me it will be ok. I'm desperate enough to Internet date again. I'm disgusted with myself and want to cry too.

anyway, to do list

church

clean living room

get the kids to clean the kitchen

set up dating profiles in line (ugh)

try to write

webcomics

random random random

first, i kind of find a speech impediment in women cute. like the lovely sarah paulson.

in other news. tonight is the last night in the call center at work. next time i come to work it will be at hq. it think. things are a bit confusing on that issue. where i was once so excited, it now sucks. looking at my morning routine, i will essentially spend two waking hours at home from now on.

i wake up around 10, 1030, putter around till 2-230, drop off the little at work, then get to my job. once we move over, i have to drop my sister off at 1, get to work at 2 for the gym and then do my eight hours. by the time i get home, i just wanna feed my kids and go to bed. i'm so heart broken. it's good for me, the change, the gym, but i don't want it anymore. i want my lazy ass mornings and late days into the office. i'm upset.

the coworker and i are getting closer. it's nice and kind of weird. she's so fucking wacky and sheltered. but she recognizes it and she wants to do and see more. i approve of this and volunteer to be her Aladdin and show her something out side her home town.

i don't know what's the deal with the guy. told him i went out of town this past weekend. didn't. just didn't want to go out with him. i should let him know, he bores the unholy shit out of me. nice dude, we just don't have a whole lot in common and i sense he has a low tolerance for stepping out side his comfort zone. don't see him being my con buddy this june or watching anime with me.

otherwise, i guess things are ok? i started cleaning my living room. need to get the floor straightened out and figure out what to do with james' litter box. i want it on the balcony, but i don't want it getting wet if it rains or leaving the patio door open 24/7. brandi is still pretty sick. lost a lot of weight, her poop isn't quite solid and there's been some spotty blood, plus her ears are a battle; she wakes up in the morning and shakes her head and rubs her face on the carpet for at least an hour. the plan is to get her to the vet this weekend. i pray i have enough money...

meh, i think i'm done and i have a significant amount of follow-up work to do so i should get on that. till next time, stay with me...

story time

I should not be working in a call center. I am intelligent, creative, I enjoy working with my hands. I should be living creatively.

but needs must be met first. I gotta keep a rio over my head, feed myself and my animals. I gotta pay bills.

spare time is precious and I have very little. I don't always spend it wisely though. resolution, not New Years, since it's March, but resolved nonetheless: I need to get paid to something I actually enjoy. write, paint, color, draw, sew, something. keep the 'day' job because I'm not stupid, but do something I actually like to fulfill myself through the drudgery of reality.

I think I need to change my hours at work, number one. evenings pay well, but they don't leave a lot of time during the day. midnights pay more and I'd have the better part of the day to do things. come home at 9, sleep till twelve, create till about 830, nap before work. maybe. the body adjustment will be hard, but of course, it would be worth it.

I played a text game not long ago about depression. it was quite good, and in it, the protagonist had a project that helped them get through difficult times. while I'm not as depressed as the game character, a creative goal and something other than games and Netflix would do me good, I believe.

I just want to give something to the world. maybe be remembered. I don't feel I was destined to be mediocre. I have to break away from my own life, be a special little snowflake, if only to a few. 

that's my resolve. stay with me as I try as hard as I can to achive something...

shitty sleep

my mind was pulled in too many directions, thinking about my life stretched thin between what I want, need can and can't do. it's frustrating and disappointing to have so many aspirations so far out of reach. they say just do it, take the risk. I don't know if I can. failure is not the fear. it's the consequence of failure.

I could try to ensure more success in my endeavors, but that would almost eliminate my distractions. and I love them. to a fault it appears though. where the fuck is the balance?

side note before I go, using my phone for this and tapping on it sounds weird. like, tapping a plane of glass in my hand. I need a new phone before the screen falls full on out of this one...

more nonsense later. stay with me...

tonight's thought

someday, I'll be content.

stay with me till then...

comfort food

I think I'll make macaroni and cheese tomorrow. that is all.

stay with me...