when I die, I will be one of those corpses people don't find until I start to smell. if I die in the summer, it will be sooner than later, which is good. I hope I don't have pets. they will eat me. from what I understand, the mourning period for cats is very short before they start chomping on owner meat. if I died right now, it would still be a day at least before my little sis realised. she's just that lazy, oblivious and self centered.
I don't have anyone to notice if I'm dead. this will become worse as I'm older because I don't have anyone. if I went now, one person might know something was up when I didn't show up for dnd, then investigate a bit. what about when I'm 70, 80 years old and probably won't be playing anymore. I just drop off alone and no one will be around to know.
no one wants me. never have, never will. that's kind of sad. but I don't know how to fix it. people I would like don't notice me. I am invisible. unless it's people I would never be happy with, then I get all the nods. it's very frustrating and disappointing.
I thought about internet dating again. but I also thought how horrible and shallow Internet dating is. it's just a fuck fest, how to con people just long enough to meet in person and fuck them. I cannot and will not be conned. I hate my time and effort being wasted. that's really my only demand. well, must love animals, gaming, anime and nerd life. everything else will sort itself. looks don't matter too much to me. age is kind of important, but negotiable. i want a male version of me, kind of, I think. a little bit of a scary thought, but that's the only person I can see myself with. me.
but he doesn't exist. not in my limited circles. don't even know where I'd find him. so, I'll stay with me and be miserable every once in a while.
one last thing, I'll mention what brought this on, my jealousy. normally I don't care what people got. good for them for getting it. but this, this that has eluded me pretty much all my life, it upsets me to see others with it, while I don't know Thing A about it. not that they don't deserve companionship, because they do, because for the most part, I know flipping amazing people. but how did you get it before me? what charm did you use, was there some trick? what do I need to do different to have a better chance? I don't know the answer to any of these questions and it truly depresses me. I don't know how or what to do to meet someone I like and have a relationship. I'm 34 this year and have dated two guys I didn't like very much and one guy I liked, we just kind of fucked around. 3 guys, 30 years. and let's not be honest about sex. that's tear-invoking. but I ain't had it... never mind.
I'm supposed to be up, getting ready to get to church. yet I'm laying here wallowing in clothes and depression. don't even know how I'll function at church today. everything is so wrong in my life right now, it would be nice if I had that one thing as a comfort. someone to complain to who would care. share my worry with that would offer support. someone to take my mind off things and remind me it will be ok. I'm desperate enough to Internet date again. I'm disgusted with myself and want to cry too.
anyway, to do list
clean living room
get the kids to clean the kitchen
set up dating profiles in line (ugh)
try to write