bad habits and guilt

I'm in a down phase apparently. very down. bought a pack of smokes today. that nicotine free Native American brand. when I was a smoker, I wasn't a very good one. they make me feel high so I can't smoke a lot. I've done two and I'm really done for a while. but they will be nice to have on standby. need a vape pen, soon.

not really sure what I'm upset about. nothing really strong happening at the moment, getting by as always. I'm just, bluh. the lady time just ended so I'm probably a bit out of whack hormone-ally.

I thought about painting my toenails. and just now I thought how I'd like for S (for lack of anything else to call him) to say something derogatory about my feet. he wouldn't, he's not that type of guy. but I want him to. it would be all the reason in the world i'd need to put him away. I don't know what I want to do about him. another guy friend? sure, why not. but I'm not romantically inclined to him. I don't sense he is to me either. big ole fat person and little thin guy. kind of revolts me just thinking about it. I'm like three of him. granted, I'm losing, (gonna lose) weight. but I will forever be big. I dunno, maybe I'm making excuses. but if it's not genuinely there, I don't think I should force it. I wouldn't be fair to anyone. 

I don't think this is what I wanted to post about. but I guess I have to get it out somewhere since I literally have no one else in the world to talk to.

shit.

I'm going to sleep. a better post I hope for next time. please stay with me...