ugh

fucking period is making me emotional and stupid...

whine piss moan

outside outside outside

always the laughing singing dancing puppet

doing all the motions

inside quiet alone scared lonely.

I despise the inside. there is no way out.

join me in the inside of you dare. none do.

why? why me? why not me? am I too gruesome to be believed? only to be seen outside, laughing singing dancing?

am I not vulnerable, too secure, not dependant, not a suckling? why should I have to be?

I don't get it. what is the formula, what is the answer? why can't I figure it out? I'm not stupid, but why don't I understand?

what am I waiting for? why do I have to wait? have I missed it? is it ever even going to come?

as the day grows ever later with each passing second minute hour day week month year, I fear, it will not.

locked inside, quiet alone scared lonely and unhappy...

I tried

bout done trying to date. people are weird shallow liars. I don't have life for this...

let's blog

so I don't have to get I trouble or explain myself or anything else that comes with publication.

I'm so stressed and pissed off. this shitty part time job I hate, I now find out that I suck at.

this is goddamn unacceptable. I have to get up at 4am, ride public transportation for two hours to get here, I hate these calls, I hate these customers, I hate just about everyone I work with. this, this is the worst job I've ever had, and now I suck at it. I need to leave here, I really do. but I don't have another job yet. and it's seriously not for lack of trying. I'm applying for jobs 10-15 at a time but I never hear back outside of a fucking phone interview. I can't not work but I can't stay here. one month and I'm burned the fuck out on this shit. I'm not cut out for it, I'm just not. this is not customer service, these are not my kind of calls.  I'm a problem solver, not a cash register. I need to go. anywhere but here, soon, before I do something stupid...

walls

these walls are so high and so old. yet they strengthen with time

they are beautiful, with big perfectly clear windows.

I can see out into the world and the world can almost perfectly see in.

but there is no door. no way to get in. only I know the way to occasionally get out.

sometimes, I want the walls higher, the windows bricked, the open roof covered.

shell me in, lock out the world.

sometimes I get so alone inside these walls I claw at them, pleading to the universe to free me and let me allow someone in.

most times though, I watch the world from behind the big perfectly clear windows, inside my pretty walls.

and I watch and I wait for my outside to match the death and decay of my inside, alone.

whatever

ebeen on the Internet dating sites for a week now. it's been more or less a waste of time. none of these jokers can keep up a conversation. I'm not saying they should cater to me and want to know my whole life story, but have something of interest to say. there's been a few I felt an interest in? but I can only ask so many questions, I'm not about to carry an entire conversation. especially when you these jokers are messaging me. I've gone out my way to message two people, other than that, dudes, and a couple of chicks, messages

me and literally say nothing. ridiculous.

I also don't think they have the same expectations. they want someone so desperate for love and a relationship they'll hop into bed or give out their phone numbers after the fist message, nooo, no way jose.

I suppose there's a reason they ended up online dating. me on the other hand can't real life or Internet date..

been a while

I should talk about my absence and the life changes that occurred within that time. but I don't want to talk about that until I'm in a comfortable place. I want to talk about my death.

when I die, I will be one of those corpses people don't find until I start to smell. if I die in the summer, it will be sooner than later, which is good. I hope I don't have pets. they will eat me. from what I understand, the mourning period for cats is very short before they start chomping on owner meat. if I died right now, it would still be a day at least before my little sis realised. she's just that lazy, oblivious and self centered.

I don't have anyone to notice if I'm dead. this will become worse as I'm older because I don't have anyone. if I went now, one person might know something was up when I didn't show up for dnd, then investigate a bit. what about when I'm 70, 80 years old and probably won't be playing anymore. I just drop off alone and no one will be around to know.

no one wants me. never have, never will. that's kind of sad. but I don't know how to fix it. people I would like don't notice me. I am invisible. unless it's people I would never be happy with, then I get all the nods. it's very frustrating and disappointing.

I thought about internet dating again. but I also thought how horrible and shallow Internet dating is. it's just a fuck fest, how to con people just long enough to meet in person and fuck them. I cannot and will not be conned. I hate my time and effort being wasted. that's really my only demand. well, must love animals, gaming, anime and nerd life. everything else will sort itself. looks don't matter too much to me. age is kind of important, but negotiable. i want a male version of me, kind of, I think. a little bit of a scary thought, but that's the only person I can see myself with. me.

but he doesn't exist. not in my limited circles. don't even know where I'd find him. so, I'll stay with me and be miserable every once in a while.

one last thing, I'll mention what brought this on, my jealousy. normally I don't care what people got. good for them for getting it. but this, this that has eluded me pretty much all my life, it upsets me to see others with it, while I don't know Thing A about it. not that they don't deserve companionship, because they do, because for the most part, I know flipping amazing people. but how did you get it before me? what charm did you use, was there some trick? what do I need to do different to have a better chance? I don't know the answer to any of these questions and it truly depresses me. I don't know how or what to do to meet someone I like and have a relationship. I'm 34 this year and have dated two guys I didn't like very much and one guy I liked, we just kind of fucked around. 3 guys, 30 years. and let's not be honest about sex. that's tear-invoking. but I ain't had it... never mind.

I'm supposed to be up, getting ready to get to church. yet I'm laying here wallowing in clothes and depression. don't even know how I'll function at church today. everything is so wrong in my life right now, it would be nice if I had that one thing as a comfort. someone to complain to who would care. share my worry with that would offer support. someone to take my mind off things and remind me it will be ok. I'm desperate enough to Internet date again. I'm disgusted with myself and want to cry too.

anyway, to do list

church

clean living room

get the kids to clean the kitchen

set up dating profiles in line (ugh)

try to write

webcomics