shitty sleep

my mind was pulled in too many directions, thinking about my life stretched thin between what I want, need can and can't do. it's frustrating and disappointing to have so many aspirations so far out of reach. they say just do it, take the risk. I don't know if I can. failure is not the fear. it's the consequence of failure.

I could try to ensure more success in my endeavors, but that would almost eliminate my distractions. and I love them. to a fault it appears though. where the fuck is the balance?

side note before I go, using my phone for this and tapping on it sounds weird. like, tapping a plane of glass in my hand. I need a new phone before the screen falls full on out of this one...

more nonsense later. stay with me...

tonight's thought

someday, I'll be content.

stay with me till then...

comfort food

I think I'll make macaroni and cheese tomorrow. that is all.

stay with me...

not sure why I bother

but I won't bother again

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!

i'm trying really hard not to be that jealous bitch.

because there's nothing to be jealous of. we aren't shit. just 'activity partners' so to speak. we hang out and enjoy dallas together.

so i should not be upset in any shape, form or fashion that the person that i'm hanging out with spends the night with "a friend". the friend unidentified by his sister whom i work with.

there could be several reasons. it was a nasty weather night, so the person he was with probably didn't want to struggle through the shit to get him home. or maybe he was fucking who ever it was. his sister, like her as i do, says he's not that type of guy, that he's really inexperienced and wouldn't be the type to mistreat women or step out on them. but he is, after all, still a guy. and getting your rocks off is important for them. i'm not putting out. so all that energy has to go somewhere.

but i can't trip, i really can't. again, we aren't shit. but i am spending time and gas to go out with him on saturday mornings. putting miles on my car and interrupting potentially awesome sleep. so if  you're not interested, i'm absolutely cool with that. but i need to know that. i hate my time to be wasted. everyone involved is an adult, so let's all act like it.

not that he or anyone else will read this, but the record will at least show how i operate. be real with me, i will be real with you. we can just be cool and hang out, see if it goes anywhere. if so, great, let's try it, if not, i'm good to just be friends or just walk the fuck away. i'm good on all sides.

supposed to go bowling with him tomorrow. i'm going to try to figure out how to act in the meantime. continue like i don't know, trip a little bit and have an attitude, or start distancing myself now. i kind of wanted to keep going out. spring break is next week and i wanted to do something in the evening on friday or saturday. i guess i'll play it by ear like usual. tends to happen that way with my weird awkwardness.

ugh, whatever. i can only do me, so i guess that's what i'll do tomorrow. if i have anything to report, you'll be the only one to know. stay with me...

I got nothing

feel like expressing a bit with nothing to really say.

snowing in Texas again. like really really for real hard tonight. I doubt work will be cancelled on the morning, seeing as it is a car auction and driving in shit is supposed to be their bread and butter. but I'll keep the sound on my phone tonight.

binge watched half the third season of American horror story tonight. is it their best season? nah, not really. the second was best to me, dealing with the history of psychology a bit. but it's still a lot better than the first, campy ghost city. I'm looking forward to the fourth, whenever I get around to it. don't know why, but I have a soft spot for freaks.

I killed DnD tonight. we finally get around to a table to play and I forgot my character sheets. still, worked out well since the weather turned heinous. I'd have been driving home from mesquite on ice and snow. God is good.

worst part of the night? my dog took a huge diahrretic shit in the floor while I was talking to my sister. it was crazy. one minute she's running around, getting lovins from us, we stop paying attention to her for like two minutes, turn around and there a big puddle of shit on the carpet. it was an awful mess to clean, but I got it quick, didn't stain the carpet, but that will definitely be a spot I hit on a regular basis with the steam cleaner. which I really need another of. I've had that one since I've had brandy. mama needs an upgrade.

well, I'm tired, got nothing else to say, not that this was just riveting. tomorrow, maybe some snow pictures since I didn't take any the first two times. stay with me...

mental health

looks like what little "audience" i had has left me. fitting, considering today's chat.

so there's this app called talkspace where you text licensed therapists. this sounded like a tremendous idea, because a lot of people have phones, but don't have access to mental health professionals. like me.

so i downloaded it and opened her up. there's message from a therapist introducing herself and what she does and how the app works. i was a little intimidated, thinking i was about to open up to a therapist for the first time about a lot of shit, until i got to the bottom of the intro and there was a coupon for $25 off your first session. so... it's pay for play. a little more research in the app itself and they have yearly, monthly and weekly plans. while it's cheaper and more convenient than face to face sessions with a therapist, it's still looking at between $900-1300 a year.

as fantastic as the idea is, and as gung ho as i was to get professional help, i don't got it. so, i won't get it. it's disappointing, but there's nothing free in life, not even help.

so where does that leave me in my desire to have someone to talk to and open up to? looking at you right now, baby. this blog is all i got. i'm a strongly private person, to a fault apparently. i don't talk to family or friends when i have thoughts, feelings or problems. i withdraw and deal. i don't trust people with my life because i don't feel they care. i won't get more into than that, not in this post at least.

while i like the outlet to just spill my guts unfettered and without judgement, there's no feedback. no one to say yes, no or otherwise. i can identify issues and maybe even sources thereof, but as far as constructive ways to improve, i'm just blowing in the wind

like so...

i don't wager at this point i will ever run into anyone i feel comfortable being myself around. no friend, family, significant other can handle this level of freak. the lil is close, but even then i don't trust her to not absorb my doubts and issues as her own, as she tends to do with other people. plus she kind of gets on my nerves with her tumblr-righteous attitude on a lot of things.

i just want a reassurance sometimes. most times i'm good, but in the times i'm not, i just want a soul, almost any soul, to care enough to give me that assurance.

i'm done, i feel like i've gone into ramble mode. more later, stay with me...