sad

something is so seriously wrong for me to feel so anxious and empty and lonely when I'm not in your presence.

this is not love.

torn

not my online text based game. these feels.

the DM is pretty much exactly what I've hoped and prayed for. a big ole nerd who's into fat black chicks. this maybe be my one shot. I just have so many doubts.

j&m are rooting for me and the DM to date, since I've officially spilled the crush beans to half our group. those two...

it bothers me, however, his 'flirtations' or whatever, only occur after a night of drinking. he's not full on drunk, but I don't like the idea of being seen through beer goggles.

j assures me he doesn't make moves because we're in a group setting. but I need moves. I literally need to know yea or nay. I can't do signals and signs, I'm literal that way.

he also suggested I friend him on Facebook. makes me hyperventilate a little just thinking about it. also kind of in a Facebook fast but I'm considering it. I just don't want to come across as creepy or thirsty.

I don't know why so many of my issues with this are centered around how I look to other people. I'm certainly not perfection, why do I keep wanting to be seen as such? am I less desirable in my own eyes? weird..

I dunno. the pirate party is next weekend. I'll probably find a pirate hat to complete my medieval ensemble, provided I can find the top. otherwise, improvise.

either way, still inside my walls, giving away nothing, waiting for the wrecking ball.

want to know how this ends? stay with me...

hm...

I think an unhealthy fantasy life is keeping me sane. The Voice of Reason has given up protesting it with the understanding that I never act or engage in the behaviors in the fantasy. I believe this is fair.

I'm not trying to move in the DM anymore. but he's still on my mind, almost constantly. balls all in his court...

the 'healing' process

yeah, but not really.

it's the 'shut down, don't give a fuck anymore' process.

we have come full circle to the origin of this blog on my birthday. I don't want shit out of life anymore but to do me.

add another ten stories to those walls around me. reinforce those bitches with concrete, steel and iron. don't care, I got some windows, I keep them mostly clean. anybody coming in is going to need a wrecking ball, that's literally how serious it is now.

I'm so done wanting and hoping without a response. so let's not expect or want anything, can't be disappointed that way.

and I'm not going to make an awkward ass of myself for anything or anyone. I'm not thirsty, I'm like a mother fucking ocean, I ain't running dry.

so there we are. no one engages me, I don't engage them. we all fucking good and I go on doing what I've done all my adult life. I can't think what makes me keep trying after all these tried and true years to the contrary. but I'm determined not to waste any more time or life in fruitless enterprises.

stay with me, if you want...

welp

The answer is no. disappointed but I can't say I'm surprised. so I'm moving on. I should be ok.

guess who

what has two thumbs and is great at talking themselves out of a potential good thing?

this person, right here. me.

I was so excited for Monday, dressin cute, wearing a lil make up, cooking a good meal, flirtin a little. I don't want to do that anymore. because I don't know what the DM is thinking. I know, I can't possibly, and I can't ask. and therein lies the rub.

I don't want to go out of my way to seem open to something without a guarantee of return. guess that's why I don't hardcore gamble either. he might just think I'm a cool chick. and here I go Martha Stewarting it up, flirting and essentially making an ass ofmyself, what few cool points I've collected have turned to awkward points. and you can only redeem those in joke form, at your own expense of course, after a very extended cool down.

all that blather to say, I'm gonna cook the dish I promised, I'm going to be social, but I'm not going to acknowledge or express my feelings. enough denial and suppression, and eventuall, eventually they will go away.

and I'll be me again, for whatever that's worth. not this giddy, dreamy schoolgirl I've been the last month.

period ramblings. whatever.

Monday is just gonna be holiday d&d. slightly longer session, little more drinking. that's. all.

stay with me...

I want

I really want to date you. I want to be your girlfriend. I want to be your wife I really want to be with you