blog challenge day 4; weight

i blogged so early yesterday, i thought i missed it half way through the day.

anyway, today's talk, weight. i've gained a lot of it recently. and while i've discussed this issue before, it's so prevalent in my daily life, it's one of those things i won't ever stop talking about.

'what brings this on again, kits?'

well, my birthday is in three days. and for whatever reason, i always feel the need for a rebirth, to do better, around my birthday. this year, same. i want to eat better, move more, lose the gut.

i want so hard.

and i usually start strong. a good, solid week of progress. then i 'cheat' or slip up, or completely jump the fuck off the wagon. and all is forgotten for another six months to a year.

i don't know why, i just can't do it. but i still want so hard.

i'm going to start again because hell, something is better than nothing. i'm not even going to shoot for a stereotypical 'beach body', whatever that is. if you're at a beach, you're a beach body, no matter what your weight or shape. i'm just gonna shoot for a pound or two a week. after six months, that's 24 flipping pounds. i'd be pretty proud of that. if i can keep it up, a year later, 1/6th of me gone. all i got is time and nothing to lose. except pounds, of course.

the game plan this go around should be a little easier to accomplish. the lil has an early morning job now. so she's out by 6am, meaning i'll have the house to myself all morning and afternoon before work. i'll be more at ease to shake my ass a little. i like to dance. i think that as an exercise would the best to sustain me, since i get so incredibly bored with repetitive ass actions.

food. food food food food food. eat less of it? eat less crap. this is hard, with the little, but i will try.

i dunno, i just... i just want to lose some of this muffin top and pooch beneath it. work the core, dammit. and loose this froggy chin i've developed. everything else will fall into place, i think.
we'll see. start monday, sep 8th, my birthday. see what happens from there. stay with me...

blog challenge day 3: early morning ponderings

responsibility is a chain. it ties you down to materialism and staying safe in one place. go to school, get a job, buy a car, a house, get married have kids, die. that's a life for a lot of people.

kind of think that's not the life I want anymore though. never really expected marriage or kids, but a kid could dream. what I want now is to drive to California, stopping in every state on the way. I want to spend a week in Alaska. fly down to Mexico for the weekend. vacation in japan, take a walking tours in the uk, Italy and Greece. I don't want to be tied down anymore.

but I have an apartment, a car, possessions, two animals. I can't walk away and live some life, because I have responsibility. I'm trapped.

I have to hope and wait for eventually. and that's a pretty sad state of affairs.

if I'd thought, really knew what I wanted when I had a chance to do it, I'd have done it in a heart beat. it's not regret though, just considerate if a what-if.

maybe, someday, I certainly want to try. get this writing thing off the ground. quit the full time job. find a reliable house sitter. live.

September blog challenge day 2

so I spent 12+ hours with my sis today. I went with her to a dr appointment. after we had lunch, did some light shopping and had drinks. it was a good day, mostly stress free and fun.

right now watching cr1tikal vids with the lil sis

I had so much to say earlier, but my head hurts from laughing and I have bubble guts, and I'm really tired.

see ya tomorrow

september blog challenge day 1

so i'm gonna post every day, all month, because my birthday is the 8th. so expect lots of useless boring information. today is actually the second of september, because i just thought up this stupid challenge right now. so i'll post on 1 october to make up for yesterday doing nothing.

today, i want to have sex. hot, nasty, fast fucking. that is all.

see you tomorrow.

quick

reminder, just for me, love is bullshit.

have a good day.

check me out on tumblr as well. lots more random and often more raunchy.

nice comes to an end

so I spent the night in my car because I'm too nice.

instead of having the balls to say no to being disrespected in my own place, I fled the scene and slept in a Walmart parking lot. I could have gone to my mother, but I did want to have to explain to her why I couldn't sleep in my house. all because I'm too nice and very alone in the world.

I'm sick of this shit. I do and do and do for others, with little to no appreciation. I inconvenience myself for other people's lives. I am a slave to 'yes' and nonconfontation.

please don't get me wrong, nonexistent readers, I do like to help people. every once in a while, with important things. but I've been constantly sapped almost all my life by people or situations I don't agree with it or like.

because it's just easier to give everyone what they want so they'll shut up. or not think less of me. that is, unfortunately, a factor in all this too. I don't want to be 'that person'.

but I'm really tired. I'm running out of life and spending way too much of what I have left on other peoples happiness. I've always just wanted to be left the hell alone, be around people and offer what I can on my terms. 

so I'm turning up the no on a lot of shit. if I don't feel like it, don't want to, not interested, no. figure something else out. my save-a-hoe days are over. I'm probably going to look like a bitch but I kind of have to be from now on. if it came down to it, all the folks I help for free wouldn't do shit for me, so I gotta stick with the only person I know who's got my back, me.

hey blog, hows it going?

been a while, and I'm coming at you to complain. 

I'm kind of lonely as fuck. I hang out with people, I have legit friends, we have common interests. 

but the things I am most passionate about, anime, cosplay, cons, writing, my friends either don't get it or don't really care. so I do all the things I think are the awesomest alone.

and usually I don't care. I'm gonna do what I want, can't stop me. but it's saddening. no one gets excited over my cosplay, who I saw at cons, the panels I went to.

no one cares what I write, how much I want to share my voice, for someone to see my worlds and love them.

I'm to blame. I don't like to share stuff because I know no one cares. that's why I've pretty much quit Facebook. I posted all day, every day. ad nauseam, apparently, because when I casually mention I'm tired of Facebook and May stop using it, people encourage it. and no one's missed me since.

and i would give a copy of everything I write to every friend I have if I thought even one of them would continue to read it. some have read my work, thought it was good and never gave it another thought. that is the exact opposite if what a writer needs it wants.

it's another one of those 'seek your change' things. it won't change or get better if I don't do it. I don't think it's laziness this time. and it's not cowardice. it's aggression, I'm not that person to shove shit at you all the time. including myself. once I see you have little to no interest, you'll never hear that thing from me again. so I'll do what you like to do, go where you like to go, talk about what you want to talk about. and I'll just seethe in my lonely little head, hoping desperately one day to break free.

hell, even as I write this, I know it's just a cry in the dark.

something's wrong with me...