Saturday, August 16, 2014

hey blog, hows it going?

been a while, and I'm coming at you to complain. 

I'm kind of lonely as fuck. I hang out with people, I have legit friends, we have common interests. 

but the things I am most passionate about, anime, cosplay, cons, writing, my friends either don't get it or don't really care. so I do all the things I think are the awesomest alone.

and usually I don't care. I'm gonna do what I want, can't stop me. but it's saddening. no one gets excited over my cosplay, who I saw at cons, the panels I went to.

no one cares what I write, how much I want to share my voice, for someone to see my worlds and love them.

I'm to blame. I don't like to share stuff because I know no one cares. that's why I've pretty much quit Facebook. I posted all day, every day. ad nauseam, apparently, because when I casually mention I'm tired of Facebook and May stop using it, people encourage it. and no one's missed me since.

and i would give a copy of everything I write to every friend I have if I thought even one of them would continue to read it. some have read my work, thought it was good and never gave it another thought. that is the exact opposite if what a writer needs it wants.

it's another one of those 'seek your change' things. it won't change or get better if I don't do it. I don't think it's laziness this time. and it's not cowardice. it's aggression, I'm not that person to shove shit at you all the time. including myself. once I see you have little to no interest, you'll never hear that thing from me again. so I'll do what you like to do, go where you like to go, talk about what you want to talk about. and I'll just seethe in my lonely little head, hoping desperately one day to break free.

hell, even as I write this, I know it's just a cry in the dark.

something's wrong with me...

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