im shutting down this blog. Maybe it will resurface one I have anything to say or anyone to say it to.

beautiful update

No, nothing amazing happened. Literally nothing ever happens to or for me. But I'm pretty sure this time I'm actually over Mike. Like really over. He didn't do anything, neither did I. Just, late last week I just felt, done. Not sure why, my interest has apparently just run its course. I did spend some amount of time on facebook seeing if he was seeing me. He wasn't, not that he's ever really on that much anyway. But the next day, I just didn't feel like it. Like, it was tedious trying to get his attention, seeing if I succeeded, it wasn't cute, and I knew the wouldn't be a resolution for me. So I stopped.
I'm so emptied out, just so tired of trying, it's all been pretty fucking stupid from the onset anyway. He's liked a post or two this week and I just smile a little and keep it moving. You had your chance bro, you really did.
A petty part of me wants to tell him now. Like ' look how great I'm doing with you not liking me!' But its to fresh. If I did that now and he showed even the slightest sign of inclination, I'd be back down that dark rabbit hole again. So in a few months, maybe next year, if the conversation steers in such a direction, I'll let him know. I imagined him saying 'aw, why didn't you let me know?' If course in my head is be screaming 'i did, you blind fuck!', but i'd just politely reply, ' you weren't interested.' And leave it at that. That's how I like to hope it goes down, if it ever does.

just... stop.

Last night. Was frustrating for the entire group because of Nikki and her kid. She's really a shitty parent and both she and iyala were getting on our nerves. Nikki for being wasted and iyala for just generally being a brat.
Mike got upset a time or two and by the end of the night decided they weren't welcome in his game anymore.
I'm just tired, really. I want to be over Mike. Sassy and black aside, I'm pretty sure it's a weight thing. Which I can understand. Don't like it, but understand. He like most of society is indoctrinated with the beauty standard that thin in good, fat is bad.
But I'm not rushing to lose weight. I probably should, if nothing else to lower my blood pressure, but I can't list it the way I want to, so until then, I'm good. I'm ok being a biggen.
So we are at an impasse. Rather, I am. I'm not changing, but I'm also not doing it for him, so it's all a no-go. I know this, my stupid brain just won't accept what it knows. So I do stupid stuff, hoping against reason I could maybe woo him. But really I just feel foolish after. It's insanity really, to do the same thing over and over expecting a different result. Guess I'm crazy as hell then.
Yeah, I knew that too...

I just keep bumpin my head

Over it, again. As is the norm a few days after D&D. I'm all hot and bothered, then ignored, then bitter. Me no know what to do, man.
I gotta keep the mantra: Never hope for anything. That way you'll never be disappointed.
And I'm only disappointing myself. Mike gives no fucks. I'm just a black girl, which he's into so he flirts, but not into me, so that's as fucking far as it goes. I don't know what it takes to go forward. I don't want to know. I want to give no fucks like him. What a bitch gotta do to get on his level?
Shit

So about Saturday night

I suspect I'll never get over Mike. Unless a powerful miracle happens. But my luck has never been that great.
It was weird to start with. None of the regular crew was there, but another one of his coworkers came, the coworker Nikki that I was completely wrong about, and brought her little girl. Sweet child just nosy and a lil too spice for me, but cute.
At first we were all responsible adults and kept the swearing, innuendo and other child inappropriate comments to a minimum. Then, we started drinking. And lips got very loose
Like, by proxy, you're obligated to swear more and talk about filthier stuff when you're not supposed to around someone's kid. Mom was really cool a about it all, saying lil mama had heard worse. Still, doesn't mean we should contribute to her vocabulary. Like when I expressed how much i love all iterations of the word fuck. Because I really, really do. I said fucktard in my mini diatribe and she came to the door and asked what a fucktard is. I quickly reminded her that just because you hear a word, doesn't mean you can repeat it.
Mike was just as bad, if not worse, telling me a pretty graphic story about getting back at his noisy neighbors by tongue fucking his extra loud ex girlfriend. Cool story bro, but could you try that on me next time?
I swear, I feel like this is some weird backwards ass flirting he's doing sometimes. But it never goes anywhere. Then other times I think he sees me as just one of the guys that wants to hear his tales of sexual conquests. The latter is particularly annoying since I'd like to be a sexual conquest. But apparently he likes slutty chicks. Maybe I need to up my game and come to a session half dressed. But this would be too obvious. And not me. I've certainly got filthy mind and willing to try or do many things. But he don't need to know that shit out the gate. Have some mystic, keep them wondering. I really like that people never really know what to expect with me. My one unique charm, I suppose.
Meh, all that to say that I'm stupid, but so is he. Let the games continue...

one by one

Today I'm just mad. Everything you do just pisses me off more. Feels good. Granted, its mostly my fault for giving a damn in the first place, but now I just feel mocked.






In other news, had some music...
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xQ04WbgI9rg

Weird, per usual

Sometimes I'm so strong and fearless and empowered that I know I don't need Mike and I can do better than to pine after someone whose radar I've never even been on.
And other times I'm full of such pitiful and disgusting despair I despise my own existence.
Today is the former, despite this fucking lady time.
I'm honestly tired of wanting men in general. What have I ever gotten out of any of this aside from disappointed? Shit, and a pretty fucked up brain at this point. I don't want to want anymore; I want to be wanted. Sought after, desired. And I want to give no fucks about their hearts. I want these motherfuckers to feel the bullshit I've felt for almost 30 years.
Only issue with this fantasy is that it's literally sound and fury. I'm nobody's cup of tea. At least not anyone I'd actually consider dating. Unrealistic standards, high expectations, too picky, whatever, I am that. Because I hate my time being wasted. And if I met some guy that did fancy me, but I know his ass can't keep up, I'll be dammed if I'm going to invest any part of my life in him.
So alone I shall stay. The hardest part is realizing, remembering, and staying strong in the hard times. I need a miracle.
And yeah, I used his real name. The fuck difference does it make, no one will ever read this anyway...