stages of grief

but not really.

yesterday and this morning I was mopey mcmoperson because I got the distinct impression the DM is not feeling me. slight comments over the last two visits have not sat well with me and promoted the downward spiral. but I'm coming back up.

because I've gotten past the sadness, and I'm annoyed. how very dare you flirt, by the observation of no less than two people, then just shut it off. I feel as if he has some unrealistic ideal that I suddenly don't meet anymore, despite the fact that I am a goddamn national treasure. and cute as he is, he ain't the best turkey in the shop either. so for me not to be good enough is bullshit. but I will say this, if I ain't your cup of tea, you don't have to settle for me. I still have a prayer out in the atmosphere for my one true nerd who's gonna love me, for me, unconditionally.

I'll probably be a miserable bitch in the meantime, but at least he'll be worth the wait.

this blog is alright, but I really need someone to talk to...

bitter

yeah, I'm sick of people and their relationships. stop rubbing it my face already.

smile

see, when yo go in with zero expectations, you can't be disappointed. this is my credo for the rest of my life: expect nothing, get nothing.

don't know or care if the DM is interested anymore. he had my number all week, texted me once about D&D.

went over today and things were a little dry, since it was the end of the campaign. nothing transpired and I'm good with that,really. if I'd gotten more mixed signals, I'd be a little pissed but nope, nothing at all.

my only question is why not, but at the same time I can think of a myriad of reasons why not. just gonna be rough turning it off.

whatever, I guess I tried? was gonna say more, but I'm sleepy and full of alcohol.

so ends crushgate.

stay with me, please...

it's whatevs...

the DM texted me yesterday morning, at 8:52 in the morning, whatever that's about, telling me the time for Saturday. and mentioned it was cool if people came by early. I don't know what that's about either.

from an uninterested perspective, what would I have to gain by coming early? the interested side is obvious and therefore moot.

that's where I am now. I expect nothing, I hope for nothing. and I'm almost a little offended that you think I have so little to do that extra time at your house is a bonus.

but I will go about half an hour early, since the invitation was offered. but nothing else changes. already picked my outfit, hair and glasses. no airs, no extra, no interest. that reminds me though, I gotta finish my Druid class.

in other news, I'm painfully fat. mostly healthy, but fat. I carry it with a good amount of swagger, but sometimes that's not enough. I kind of wonder if I'm missing out on something's because I'm not thinner. I dunno, probably, maybe not, who the fuck knows. I could be fatter, I've seen those folks and I'm honestly glad I'm not heavy as they are, yet my own fat jail is no picnic.

I'm realistic though, if I ever lost weight, I'd never be a single digit. I really wouldn't mind just being back to a 16. literally haven't been that size in a number of years I hate to admit, even to my dead little blog. literally, shit, it's been ridiculously long.

that makes me sad, so let's keep it moving.

my fat ass is hungry.

I think we're done here. if you can stand more, stay with me...

everyday

the more time that passes, the more apparent there's nothing there. a guy with a woman's number that he doesn't text or call isn't interested.

too fat, too ugly, too young/old, or maybe he's just dating someone else. whatever it is, my attitude on Saturdays from now on is going to be different.

I don't want to spurn the group for my own stupidity, but I'm dialing it back. I need to, have to. since this has happened, and I see it's going nowhere, I think (probably wrong) I might be getting this out of my system.

of course I still thought about him in my fantasy land, but the high wasn't nearly as much as when I thought I had a shot. it even seems a little pathetic and sick.

oh well. I'm getting sleepy and tomorrow is kind of a big day, so lights out for me. this ends this weekend. stay with me for the mediocre conclusion to crushgate...

progress?

the DM has my number. I literally cannot and will not do anything else.

dude, fucking use it!

I'm dead. let me finish my lunch and go home. I have an ass load of colouring to do.

stay with me...