blog challenge 14: real quick

i've actually been working on a really good post for today for about two hours. and it's not going to be done in time, so i'll post it tomorrow. but not to let the day go completely to waste, i painted my nails. i have really huge wrinkly man hands, but i do the best i can...

blog challenge day 13: art

practicing anatomy. not bad, but i'm still shitty at faces. and proportions. and shading. but whatever, that's why it's called practice.

may post again tonight if i think of something valuable to say. otherwise, stay with me...

blog challege day 12: self image

no, this post is not about my fat ass... this time.

it's about what i look like on the inside and the difference between what is in my head.

let's start with this... all my life i wanted lovely long hair and nails. for a long time, i didn't have either. i didn't really know how to take care of my hair and i bit my nails for years. after many scary and dark times, i now have long, pretty thick hair and natural nails that will scratch your face off.

mission accomplished.

i wanted these things because for a long time i identified them as things beautiful women have. breast, face, body and all that go with it, but to me, to be a really gorgeous woman, you had to have long hair and long nails. and that's what i thought i had to be.

thing is though, that's not what i am anymore. well, not what i identify as.

big admit here, first time in this forum: gender wise, i don't just identify as female. I'm actually non-binary, the pretty word i use for which being genderfluid.

this is no new thing, really. it's something i've always felt, but never gave a name or real thought to until the last few years. but i've always felt both masculine and feminine to varying degrees every day.

i can remember the first time i felt it. it's such a funny memory, but i know it's the root of my entire gender identity. i was a lil kid, maybe 3 or 4, and my parents and i were coming home one night from some event. we were on the second floor of the apartment building we lived in then. i remember going up the stairs before my mom and dad and my mom made the remark 'she should have been a boy.' there was probably context before or after that, but i know she didn't mean it maliciously. it was probably just something about the way i climbed the stairs or some aspect of my personality she saw in that moment. but when she said it, i remember thinking how much i would like that, being a boy.

i have kind masculine features, i think. i got a big head, feet, hands. probably more so if i wasn't as fat. i look a lot like my dad. but i couldn't "pass" for male, these titties are too big for that. though that's not something i want to do either. but i sound like a guy on the phone sometimes, and have been called sir. i don't mind though, i don't get offended (unless i'm feeling particularly feminine that day, but it passes pretty quick). i'd just like to incorporate masculinity and femininity in my daily life.  i don't want to be full on a guy all the time. i like being a girl a lot of the time. 'cause i'm gorgeous and it would be a waste to deny the world my womanhood.

i have however, over the years, crossdressed a little, played "the guy" in various roles, be it the male half of a couple or for a costume party. i have female sex, but i enjoy male mentality, masculinity. i like the way it makes me feel. that may be why i'm big on gay porn, yaoi and bara. there is a piece of me in it.

i refer to myself as a person, not male or female. i'm introducing more male clothes to my wardrobe for those really masculine days. even getting a binder to tame these huge tits a little. sometimes i'll be a boy with long hair and nails, or a girl that's a little bit manly. some days i won't feel anything at all. just a person, needless of labels. i like the idea of both as well as the in between. at this juncture in my life i want to be free to be both, changing and slipping between and in between genders like walking through a door. my gender is an open door.

more tomorrow, though probably not of this. stay with me...

day 11

i don't have shit to say today, kids. boring, mundane, ordinary day. i took this picture though

maybe tomorrow i'll be interesting, but really. don't hold your breath. but stay with me...

10

these titles have vastly deteriorated.

anywho, it was another raky long really hard, really busy day. aside from

my feet killing me right now, it wasn't bad. back to early mornings and back into the mines tomorrow though. yay

day 9

today was the day I talked about yesterday, busy from beginning to end. not too shabby. I'm tired but it was a mostly good day.

let's see what tomorrow brings, stay with me...

blog challenge day 8?: time

so i think i need an additonal hobby that takes up more time and involves leaving the house.

i game, i watch anime, movies and shows, i have cosplay from about october to may to deal with and cons to wear them to, in addition to working two jobs and trying to have some fraction of a social life.

i like being busy. leaving the house, doing things that are productive and i like. maybe stopping somewhere for a working lunch, hitting the street again, burning all day until dark, and coming home a little tired but happy. it makes the downtime of gaming and watching shit a little sweeter to me.

so what to do, where to go to be more engaged, have more human interaction and maybe more fulfilled? i dunno, shit, i gotta do research.

it has to be something i find interesting and takes up a good chunk of time. being cheap/free is a bonus to because while i want a new distraction, my other ones are already pretty damn expensive enough.

i dunno, i think i'll get with a friend or two and see what they know out there to do. google "free hobbies" or some shit. i don't know really what i want to do but i know i want to do something. maybe with kids, maybe with homeless, maybe even my old sorority. so many possibilities, i'm overwhelmed already and i haven't done shit yet.

i hope this doesn't turn into another of my "talk that shit" things where i get so pumped to go do something but never actually do it. everything is just 'do it, do it, do it. you only live once, live and do it, make a dream come true!' there's still a lot of hard work involved with all that however. but i know if it's worth it, it can be done.

kind of rambling now, kind of forgot where i was going with this and also another point i wanted to make. so i'll shut up now and consider this a successful post. also,  i took a picture of my face. i was trying to make my hair look like Major Hanji from Shingeki No Kyojin  (Attack on Titan for English speakers), but i don't have volumes and volumes of anime hair. but i think i turned out ok. what do you think?

like fucking twins

anyway, my computer is being bullshit and i'm having a conversation on tumblr, so i'm out. see ya tomorrow, stay with me...