Tuesday, January 7, 2014

oh, yeah, the title...

good morning my babies, happy new year.

i have been wanting to post all seven days of the new year that have passed, but i have been really busy with a myriad of activities. but we're back together now...

i just wish this were a happier post. no, nothing terrible happened and no i won't be shutting down my blog. but i did have a revelation tonight. i figured out what's wrong with me

i do not connect with people emotionally. i have friends, a social life, i interact with people literally everyday. but it's all superficial.

i just... do things. because i'd be weird (well, weirder, i guess, if that's at all possible) if i holed up in my house all the time, never doing anything that involved other people. i'd also probably go crazy.

but i don't connect deeply with anything or anyone i come in contact with. i realize i've done it all my life. i cannot say that i am truly close to anyone. not family members, not friends, no significant others. no one...

and i can't stop. i don't know how. on top of that, part of me doesn't want to. because people are mean, scary, strange creatures. and as long as i keep to myself, stay quiet, those mean, scary strange things won't hurt me.

but it's hit me a lot lately just how the fuck alone i am. people all around me are having these huge life changing events. people who connect better than i do. they are getting closer to home and it's scary. then eyes turn to me, why aren't you next? they ask. i ask myself the same thing. why not?

but now i know the answer. and sadly, i don't believe i will be next. sadly? yeah, a little i guess. i'm crying about it, so i guess so.

last year, very close to this time (1 year anniversary of the blog coming up soon. i may celebrate..) i resigned myself not to care about this shit anymore. just... live, do me, carry on no worrying about this particular facet of life. well the facet is getting bigger and uglier every day. i can't ignore, it won't leave me alone. and every reminder of it gets a little more painful each time.

i am really really fucking alone and i know not one person i would even be close to comfortable sharing my true self with. except you, internet blog. the blind, non judgmental eye. mostly because i have 0 readers. i pretend i have an audience because i thought one day i would like one. now i guess the audience is just the demons in my head. hey y'all. hate to see you back again.

alright, i'm done. gonna shower, masturbate and go to sleep. next post, hopefully something interesting, i guess. talk about writing or cons or something. detract from this ugly little post, keep doing me, alone.

smile motherfucker...

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