Saturday, May 3, 2014

one size don't fit all...

real talk time, my babies. kits has learned a life lesson.

the collection of experiences we call life are not going to be the same for everyone. and that is perfectly ok. 

i'm an optimist. i try to see the good and the positive potential in everyone i come across. i genuinely want the best for everyone. what kind of bitch-dick would want to misery to befall everyone? it takes a lot for a person to fall so far out of favor with me that i would want less than the best possible for a person. it's sad, but it has happened.

but what i think is the best possible outcome for a person might not fit what they see as the best possible outcome. neither is necessarily wrong, just different.

problems arise, however, when a body tries to impose their ideal on someone else's life. it's not their life anymore, it's someone else's image of what it should be. unless that person is responsive and agrees with the vision, it causes nothing but strife for both parties. the imposed person rebels, the imposer is upset by the rebellion. it's not a good look for anyone involved. i am an imposer. i want the best for people too much. so much that it interferes with their current state of happy.

i can't help it. i am ever a servant. if i can give a word, a dollar, share an experience or my time to someone else and they have it a little bit better or easier because of it, my corner of the universe is better too. i don't base my happiness in other people, that would be weird and folly. but i like to do what i can for people when i can.

but i have been burned, pretty bad. i tried to help, my help was not wanted, but i kept pushing, kept wanting more and better and different. i tried to brow beat, and got brow beaten. i was angry and frustrated and disgusted and disappointed and sad and a myriad of feels in between. ultimately to be numb. there was no fight left in this dog. then it hit me, the epiphany: this is not my life.

it was twofold: i am not living the life of the person i'm trying to influence. they've got their own thing going on. and as much as i think it could use improvement, ultimately, i can't live their life for them.  and i am not living my own life the way that i want it to when i chase after people to maintain something that is clearly not meant to be. it doesn't mean i don't care, because i do. i'm not that heartless bitch-dick. i care too much. it's just not conducive to this particular situation. i will care from a very far distance.

so now, i believe in letting people do whatever the fuck they want. i can suggest, express my views. but if a person ain't hearing, they ain't hearing. no need to press the issue. i don't have to like their life or expose myself to it. if it gets bad enough, i can just walk away. no one needs these kinds of feels. it goes against my being, but i've got to learn to let go and let people do them.

i always liked the saying "reach for the moon. even if you fall, you fall among the stars." not everyone wants stars. they just want to stay on earth. some people want to be underground. some want to float in the ether. some want to go to moon and back. some want to go even further. some want to live among the clouds forever. and all of them are entitled to their choices and views and lives. leave them there, everyone's happiness is relative.

*deep breath* i feel a little better. i've dumped the negativity and i'm gonna try to get back to my center over the next few days. i'm gonna be a bit of alright.

next post will hopefully feature the extreme highs and deep lows of cosplay. and maybe some other stuff, i dunno. flying by the seat of my pants as always, stay with me...

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