psyche

so, in the last twelve hours i have been really good at talkng myself out of liking the DM.

last night i researched alcohol and diabetes. not that he drinks too much, all the time, but alcohol loads a body up on carbs and sugar, things a diabetic doesn't need. and his overall health would be described as fair at best. I saw the struggles a spouse can undertake with a partner in their decline with my parents. I like the DM a lot, I really do. but I don't know if I could physically and emotionally handle all that.

this morning ive been convincing myself that just because I am a black female, that doesnt mean im his type. too young, too fat, too offensive, too loud. i dont know what he wants in a woman, so i cant assume to be it. so far, this feels to be working.

im also not going to be in contact with him prior to our next session. stave the thirst by not texting about random stupid unnecessary shit. i do have an idea/opinion about his renaissance costume. but that can legitimately wait till i see him again.

reason is winning these days. despite my constant fantasizing, im slowly coming to grips that this aint gonna happen or work, on several levels. its disappointing, and the alternative sucks, but I have to be more grounded in reality, again, despite how much it sucks.

so wait for the flip flop or gauge my progress. either way, stay with me...