feel like a chat...

it's New Year's Eve. I'm going to Oklahoma tonight with my sis and her son to winstar. that's cool and everything.  I'm glad to be getting out the house and doing something different.

the lil annoyed me though. wanted to lay up in my house tonight with her boyfriend. nope! you are the shittiest roommate and houseguest ever. so you're not allowed unless I'm there and consenting. I do not give consent.

in other news, I asked j about his shitty cowboy tickets and he made a remark about the DM. I replied with confusion, hoping for clarification. he did not clarify. whatever. DM had his chance.

it's a new year. 2015 was shitty to me for eight months. this year, I'm pampering the fuck out of myself. I'm going to be more selfish of myself and my time more than ever. no one else is going to take care of me but me, fuck them. so it's about time that I do it.

2016 spring break is going to be too short to do anything, but 2017, week vaca, I want to do some traveling. hell, maybe even a little the end of 2016. this is my one go round, I don't want to die completely boring.

well, I didn't have anything of real value to say, that's it. stay with me...

wait a minute...

I just had a thought so profound I had to sit myself down and think about it.

scrolling through Facebook real quick, just to check the latest statuses and saw a friend announce her second pregnancy. another friend is teaching her toddler life lessons. another friend post daily the stage of her pregnancy. and I'm over here, single and childless like 

then it occurred to me what all these women have in common. they are all white (one is Hispanic, but married to a white dude and isn't very ethnic, so we gone call her white too, cause she ain't black. see my point below).

all happily married, settled, mothering. of my black friends, of which there is approximately an equal amount, I can count the married ones on one hand, and  there are a few single moms. the rest, the majority, single/divorced, no kids. it's not just me. it's just black women in general. why don't people want us?

there have been sooo many discussions about who the black women is. what the black woman means and stands for, the stereotypes and the need for redefinition of the black woman. I can't even deal right now with the simple thought that me, personally, have to coon and shine with just about everyone I know to be accepted. as an Afro-weirdo , their is no singular safe category I can fit into. with whites, I'm the token. with blacks, I more or less have to disregard my own interests.

but that's me, I'm not normal to start with. let's expand this thought. professional black women. bless you if you're there, girl. but let me recognize your struggle. you got there, through hard work and sheer determination, you're being recognized and awarded what you are due. but you still have to constantly prove yourself capable, because as a black women you are expected to either pop off and go 'angry black woman', slack off, or get knocked up, reducing your effectiveness in the workplace, none of which are valid, but that is the expectation, the belief.

let's visit the other end of the spectrum, the disadvantaged black woman. you already have it hard, maybe living ina poor economic situation, bad home life, abused perhaps. the expectation for any other race would be 'you're at the bottom, the only place to go is up!', thus pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and getting to a better state any way you can. but not for black women. with us, it's 'you're at the bottom, but let's see how much deeper you can go', the implication being that you're already disenfranchised, make it worse by having six kids by five men, do drugs and hook to survive.

 

what does this have to do with relationships and babies, kits? well I'm glad you asked, so let me tell you. this is why my black friends are mostly single or single moms. black women are the most  discriminated against group amongst Americans. now the caveat to this is that in the current political climate Muslims have it very rough any manyof them are fearful of the direction the country is headed. but even they have a definable place. peaceful hater of Islamic terrorists, or terrorist supporters. back to the black woman, though, where the fuck do we belong? we don't support each other as the beautiful sisters that we are, we struggle to find support among our black men, we are shunned if we find acceptance from another race or culture, and there is the ever present expectation of explosive or erratic behavior from us. where the fuck are supposed to go and what are we supposed to do in the constant crossfire?

I don't know. I'm just a lonely, fat, single black person. I'm just tired of being the girl outside while everyone else around me lives these beautiful amazing lives.. whatever, rant over. stay with me...

yay

I'm ok, really ok. and I'm glad about it. do I wish things had gone a different way, sure. but I'm also getting past the irrational behavior and just doing me. someday my nerd will come, I guess, I hope. in the meantime, I'm ok.

Sunday

so today wasn't too bad. I'm still upset and angry and confused an unhappy about last night. but family and friends made me feel a special.

went to church, helped out a lot, got free food. a middle aged church lady needed to go to a popular beauty supply store and asked if I wanted to come with. I agreed, and we spent a lot of time talking and just enjoying the day. she even offered to buy me very expensive hair. which I declined for now, seeing as I know a fair amount about her financial situation and she's having major surgery later this week. but she promised to buy it during tax season.

while we were wrapping up our shopping, my sister called and invited me to try a restaurant we've been talking about for months. so a few hours later she picks me up and we drive to the spot. this place is wild. very ethnic and at the time we get there, bumping like a night club. it is an unusual business model: the serve daquaris of all flavours in plastic jugs, along with various creole Cajun foods. it's run by people from Louisiana, and tonight they have watch parties for New Orleans Saints games, who won tonight. we get to the counter and my sister pays for my drink and I use the ten the church lady gave me to buy a meal. I got the second size in their line up, Allen the professional, a quart of your daquaris choice

this thing was freezing and strong as hell. mine is the orange one and it didn't make it much past that before we left the restaurant. but it's cool, because here's the wildest part about this place: in Texas, you can't leave a business that serves alcohol in an open container. no straws, sippy cups, styrafoam, none of that. this place gets around that rule by resealing your jug with a new cap as you leave. so even if you down half of it, if a cop looks at it, the can't call it an open container because the seal isn't broken. because we drink frequently and heavily, I'm going to get a half gallon for our next game night.

speaking of...

so I had a good time today,despite last night's meltdown. at this point, I just don't get the DM. I went into last night with everything turned off. no flirting, no emotion; just a chick playing dnd at a dudes house. but he was back at the weird flirty thing again. and he stared at me all night. I caught him once and the look on his eye was just... pure desire.  and then he looked away. I just want to know what the deal is. that's all I've ever wanted. but this man is a riddle wrapped in a mystery wrapped in an enigma.

I could go on more because I'm so perturbed by his behaviour. but I've also had a long day and I'm sleepy.

I'm sure you want off this coaster but please, stay with me...

ridiculous

I stress and you sleep.

how fair is that?

but I keep doing it to myself. I literally am my own worst enemy.

but why?

I try so hard, I mean really hard to get past this stupid phase. but seeing you every two weeks keeps it flooding back.

sokay, schedules are about to get complicated. so maybe it is time for a break. because I hate feeling this way every time I leave his house. like a fool, a stupid, fat, desperate fool.

I'm going to bed, alone and sad again.

ugh

I'm so fucking weird...

how are you feeling?

alright, how are you?

mental health today. common topic, here's today's spin.

mental health is so important for me. and it pisses me off when people self diagnose on fucking Google. honestly, I don't want to rant about that. let's discuss my mental health.

I want to learn to properly meditate. I find that other than sleep, I never really stop and not think. I overthink. everything, all the time. and my mind stays so full with all the things I need to do, want to do, can't do. and the world and the people in it are so shitty and I hate feeling that way about almost everything everyday. I need time to not think. feel my true self in the universe as God and nature intended. I need time to just be and exist in one moment and feel at least ok. I should start my research tonight...

stay with me, see if I gain any ground on this new enterprise...

I hate you

you make it very difficult to get over you when you send random texts...

I dunno

weird, long day.

spent a decent thanksgiving with my older sister's family. we left this morning early, she had work. we got back, ran a few errands and I was home by 10. the lil and her crew were jammin up my house, since they apparently can't hang out anywhere else but here. anywho, I took a couple of the knuckleheads to Walmart, had an adventure, got some food and came home. in like 45 mins of me finishing the dark crystal and another 10-15 of fighting Netflix to find something else to watch, all hell quietly broke loose.

the kids were in and out the door and I finally asked the lil if her beau went to the car. I left my charger out there and I though he could be a champ and get it for me. she didn't know where he was, and after one more in and out, she got fed up and stopped looking for him. my phone was on 20% so I just braved the cold and went to get the charger my damn self. as I'm going to the car, he comes walking down the sidewalk. I tell him the lil is flipping her shit looking for him, but I glean from his face, he needed a few to himself. I think no biggie, the kids fight all the time. I keep fooling around online and eventually decide to play the game beau and their other friend was telling me about. but when I go to ask him about the game, the lil is crying in the living room, the beau looks like he's packing, her bestie is huddled in a corner and the other knucklehead is nowhere to be found. the air is heavy and I go back to bullshitting online. an hour or so passes and after much murmuring and whimpering and shit, I scope the scene by turning the heat off. in my effort to stay out of the situation, I was damn near cooking my bacon. I find the beau staring at the lil who is balled up next to the laundry closet door and again I just excuse myself out. soon yet another friend of theirs shows up and the beau leaves with him. finally I try to broach the subject with the lil, but she's crazy distraught and her bestie is not giving up any answers. I fear the kids have parted ways. I checked their relationship statuses for a while and nothing's changed, but the beau posted a cryptic message, then finally messaged me about all his shit in my house. so I just asked him, and confirmed, they broke up. all in the time it took to get tacos and eat them. I wouldn't mind the details, but at the same time, I don't care. they are kids. and will probably be back together in a matter of a week because they are literally all the other person has. and if not, oh fucking well. they are 20. they got plenty of life to find new love. unlike some  of us.

I say all this to express a little bit of how weird a day this is and how it feels. I was planning on going to the spa tonight, despite no one I asked being able to go, but now I don't know. feels like bad juju to leave the house tonight. which sucks after I planned for this all month. I just feel anxious.

I felt like this Tuesday too, and it made me think about the DM. I've flipped all over from angry to sad to confused,daily, several times a day. today, mostly confused. I won't beat the dead horse, but he just showed so many overt signs of interest, what the hell made him shut it off when the fucking time came?

dunno, whatever. his fucking loss I guess. just a wild weird day, disappointing week. just- ugh. gonna finish this movie and probably call it an early night. suddenly back to pissed.

stay with me...

single and disappointed

and so I shal forever remain.

the DM thing was a nice lil distraction of sorts, but now that that's over, still single, waiting on my one true nerd.

but I think about it, I'm probably not going to meet him at this point. I'm frikking 34, yo.

and I don't know how to date or meet people, so I do awkward, insane shit like what I just came out of. doing so with every person I'm remotely interested in is not healthy.

and I don't know the alternative either. sooo- buttons. I don't have a solution. I really don't want to Internet date, being set up sucks, and I don't meet/attract people I'd be interested in.

poor stupid fat me, I guess.

let me get these fortress windows polished up pretty. gonna be staring out of them for a long time.

stay with me, one day soon I'll be interesting...

smiling

nah, nothing happened.

and nothing will. no vibe whatsoever. he almost rushed me out the door when I got there. ate tuna for dinner, stood in the kitchen while the dogs ate, generally kept his distance and did not invite me back. cool! that's all the confirmation I needed! now I can relax and not feel weird anymore. eventually this crush shit will die out and I can resume- well, normality I guess, whatever the hell that is in my world.

I want to speculate why I'm not his cup of tea, but that's dangerous thinking. I'll just chalk it up to too young or too fat.

anywho, so ends crushgate. it was a weird, wild distraction for a few months. on to the next one!

stay with me to see what madcap tomfoolery I get into next...

nervous

whyyy? the fuck is wrong with me?!

so Saturday, D&D, per the usual, I made food and the DM offered to clean the pot I brought. why not, less work for me and I don't immediately need that pot. i say cool, and if I need it, I know where you live. he offhandedly says come by any time. I also bought the rest of a bottle of liquor, which I wanted to keep. I texted him Sunday just to see if he kept it. he did and asked if I wanted to come and get it. I went gooey. this is not the first invitation I've received to just 'come over.' more like the third or fourth. but I was steadfast and told him I couldn't come that day because I was attending a wake. which, turns out, I was totally too lazy to actually go to. and I knew he was playing on Monday via Skype with some people? the way he talked about them, he knew them, but not overly well. so I says I don't want to interrupt his game, so I'll come by after work Tuesday. today. and now I'm a bundle of fucking giddy school girl nerves. and it's only 8:40 in the damn morning. I don't know what to fucking expect, I don't know what to do, how long to stay. just, a shit storm of thoughts and probably misplaced emotion. and the lady time just ended, so I'm in my feelings too. I want to vomit and masturbate. not at the same time and not necessarily in that order. this should not be that big a deal. just a brief social call to shoot the shit and get my stuff out of his house, that's all. but, it will also be the first time we've been alone without risk of interruption. and I don't  know what he's thinking. I don't think he'll jump me, but, I just don't know anything. I need a game plan, a face to wear, an attitude to have. I'm not going to rush in and out, that would be rude. I can't stay all night either though, I got work in the morning. I am just sooo weird right now I can't even fully function. I'm scattered as fuck and so nervous! I can't stop smiling for no damn good reason. legit, I don't know where his head is at, so he may just want company. I kind of think he gets lonely  out there with just the dogs. I can relate. when I don't have a full social calendar, I've spent a lonely night or two on Netflix.

ok, whatevs, just need to go in like I always do, expecting nothing. just normal kits, friendly and polite. that way I cant be disappointed. maybe just surprised if something should happen. pleasantly surprised. but I won't expect it or look forward to it.

but I'm going on the record as saying if he kisses me, I'm going to lose my shit.

more of this absolute insanity when I get home tonight. stay with me...

https://49.media.tumblr.com/d290c7de17bd3301903625ab030ff941/tumblr_msev9kbUvL1rmies0o1_250.gif

even keel

it's the lady time again.

http://33.media.tumblr.com/d6aace6bb3e4bf233772318dc9401935/tumblr_n86s91mPTn1tfyseno1_500.gif

trying not to get overly emotional as is my nature. especially with so many emotional things going on. the world is hell on earth. people k know are passing away and done if the remaining ones are falling ill. I've got my own worries and life to deal with. everything is a horrible ball of confusion. but I'm not crying like crazy and I seem to be pretty balanced. for now. but I'm also pretty sleepy so that might be a reason. 

I thought I was going to say more or be more insightful. but I kind of don't care, or the sleep thing, or I really didn't have anything to say in the first place. so I guess that's it.

I gotta figure out a way to be more interesting. stay with me anyway...

this is the end

or very close to it.

this thing is almost dead. not that it hasn't put up one hell of a fight, but it's last breaths are drawing near.

just one more nail in the coffin so it can finally be buried and laid to rest.

going to be interesting to be on the other side of this. not good or bad, just interesting.

come on, DM, kill my dreams this weekend...

psyche

so, in the last twelve hours i have been really good at talkng myself out of liking the DM.

last night i researched alcohol and diabetes. not that he drinks too much, all the time, but alcohol loads a body up on carbs and sugar, things a diabetic doesn't need. and his overall health would be described as fair at best. I saw the struggles a spouse can undertake with a partner in their decline with my parents. I like the DM a lot, I really do. but I don't know if I could physically and emotionally handle all that.

this morning ive been convincing myself that just because I am a black female, that doesnt mean im his type. too young, too fat, too offensive, too loud. i dont know what he wants in a woman, so i cant assume to be it. so far, this feels to be working.

im also not going to be in contact with him prior to our next session. stave the thirst by not texting about random stupid unnecessary shit. i do have an idea/opinion about his renaissance costume. but that can legitimately wait till i see him again.

reason is winning these days. despite my constant fantasizing, im slowly coming to grips that this aint gonna happen or work, on several levels. its disappointing, and the alternative sucks, but I have to be more grounded in reality, again, despite how much it sucks.

so wait for the flip flop or gauge my progress. either way, stay with me...

vs

the fantasy is all I have from day to day. until the moment. in the moment, reality and fantasy merge and I believe anything is possible. but after the moment, when reality seeps back in and the fantasy is unfulfilled, the darkest sadness comes on. to combat the sadness, I return to the fantasy. and, despite knowing it's all a terrible delusion, I feel better. for a while, for the most part. then the cycle repeats itself in a fortnight.

I want out of this vicious loop. I want reality to destroy the fantasy or the fantasy to become reality. this limbo is more than I can stand

as I lamented my insecurities via social media, I was told this by a friend:

You just have to put it in the right words...trust me it can still be done!!!

so all day I 've pondered just saying. just putting myself on the line, come what may. I wrote out what I'd say, because I was feeling very nearly stupid enough to say them. they are written, but remain unsaid. and may be so for eternity.

reread those words, a few days later, after a little tweaking, and they still sound very stupid. I can't seem to make my thirst sound casual. this upsets me a bit, as I pride myself on being somewhat of a wordsmith. guess that's why some things are better left unsaid.

with that being said, I'm gonna post this days old, rambling ass post. stay with me..,

...

don't have hopes or dreams kids. they only die.

it's like a horrible drug. I don't want to take it any more. I know it's bad for me, I know it's killing me. but I cannot stop

I'm so sad and pathetic.

fog clearing

I feel like drawing today. I have a lovely photo that I'm using for one of my monitor backgrounds at work

so peaceful,beautiful and serene...

I'm not great at perspective but I feel like trying to recreate it with pencil and paper. this is a great feeling, the desire to create. hell any feeling other than "bed and Netflix" is a good feeling.

the last few days I've slowly but surely been more motivated to live my life. tonight, I tackle the full kitchen, top to bottom. probably won't finish though. the last two days I've done laundry. I've even done a little cleaning in my room.

I don't know why, but the heavy oppression that made me feel inhuman the last few months is lifting, I think.

I hope so. the high that comes with some sense of accomplishment feels good. certainly hope it lasts.

stay with me...

what's going on today?

I've been a jealous, salty bitch all day. first I was jeally because everyone in the break room was either on the phone or talkin in little cliques. I sat on the side and wrote a little. it is nanowrimo, after all.

then this afternoon I was salty because everyone kept talking about how cute this broad dresses and how she never wears the same thing twice. well, aside from my shoes, since I literally have none, neither have I. maybe twice in three months. but no, I don't dress cute. that shit is reserved for skinny broads and well-to-do fat broads. I ain't neither.

not sure what's got me acting like this today. most time I literally give no fucks what other people are doing or saying. today though, everything and everyone is niggling at my loneliness and insecurities.

in other news, I just want to talk to or see the DM. legit, no moves. just hang out. thing is, I know it's just an ask away. really, this man will do anything for me, I need only say the world. without any suggestion or inclination on my part, he offered his house for my other D&D group. he knows none of the players (only one he will meet this weekend), but is ok with them coming into his home with his dogs. I see it and hear it almost every time we interact. I could so easily exploit it if I wanted to. but I don't want that. I want him. he just has to say the word.

alright, done. but have some music, and consider staying with me...

http://youtu.be/luJJBeCFeM0

today

I'm writing the definitive guide to zompocalypse.

gonna enjoy this...

NOPE

I really don't know what I was thinking. yes I do, actually. I was being that thirsty bitch that wil go for almost anyone that pays more two seconds of attention to me. I talk shit about bitches like that. I can't turn into one.

he's such a sweet silly man. and he will go out of his way to do anything for me.

but he doesn't move the way I move. so even as much as I like him, we're just never going to be.

gonna resume my place behind my slightly dirty window and smile as the walls rebuild themselves.

...

I am a shade

shimmering, barely visible on the outside of life

getting worse

one, Facebook shouldn't be your life or primary method of communication with other adult human beings. grow up.

two, u can't tell you how to grieve, but after 10, 12 years, you skills have moved on by now. think about them, miss them, yes, but your whole day, week or month  should not be fucked up because you miss a deceased loved one.

I might go home early. I am in a very piss poor headspace...

a little later

guy randomly told me 'today is going to be a great day' as I left the break room this morning. I politely replied that I hope so. internally I was like nah, fuck you, guy.

either way, I've been really stupid for the last few months. been way more nays than yeas. fuck you too, DM, fuck you too.

I feel like quitting D&D, but I don't have any other games going right now, which sucks. my cohorts need to get their shit back together.

one more thing, before I get back to work, there's this from yesterday. getting more accurate by the minute...

literally starting to hate people, which is upsetting when I used to love them and find them fascinating. so if I seem distant, unconcerned or apathetic, it's because everyone is a cesspool of lies and hate. I will gladly take solitude and fantasy over reality and the excrement that is society...

again

I waffle back and forth every week. but I have to reiterate how tired I am.

I don't think I'm gonna pursue the DM any more. I mean really, he's not getting any of my hints, responding to my flirts. I know I'm not doing any of them well but fuck's sake; you're a grown ass man that has been in some number of romantic relationships. do I literally have to throw my vagina at you to get you to notice? actually I kind of might have to, based on something he said before, but I digress...

I say this, and as soon as I look at his scrawny little pale face I'll think how handsome he is and go gooey again. but I don't think I can put in the effort anymore. especially since I'm getting no reciprocation at all.

then there's the other notion that he gets it but isn't interested. which just makes him a bastard for flirting with me. maybe, I don't know, I don't know how to romance.

or he gets it and he's interested but won't make the leap, for whatever reason. which would also be annoying. because really, why the hell not? get some balls, accept rejection if it comes. it wouldn't, but he don't know that.

yet as I say that, I am the same. I lack balls and conviction and I remain in a state of terror at what the response would be.

but he's an older guy with what I would assume are 'old fashioned' ideals that a guy should pursue a lady, date and marry her. yet he's also been married to an awful woman, apparently, for a relatively short time. he may just be playing the field for, approximately nine years. whatever, again, I don't know how this shit works.

it's weird, I think about the lil and her beau, how they just kind of fell into a relationship. nothing grand and magical. maybe it's supposed to be like that. every relationship is different I guess?. every whatever this is is different too. so be it resolved, again: if he makes moves great. if not, I just gotta deal. no more going out of my way for any of this. I probably look stupid or standoffish, but, really, it's his game. choose he how he will to play it.

it's not about me. I've already resigned myself to a life of solitude. but I wouldn't mind riding along with someone else if they would have me.

it's always been that way, I realise. I don't go out of my way to do or say anything to anyone out of a feeling, for lack of a better word, of being an imposition,or unwanted.

i've never been wanted. the sad revelations are coming home to roost on this early morning commute. I won't get into details, but I don't think I've been genuinely wanted. occasionally people don't mind my company, but I've never felt anyone say, 'it's you, you have to be there with me.'

also, I spend probably more time than I should in fear, especially fear of 'what if'.

these are probably some of the reasons I'm alone. just some...

whatever. I need some music now. no tag line, not for this one. this post is desperate enough as is...

really, really tired

i am a drama and, to the best of my ability, stress free person.

but these silly ass white boys are working my nerves.

so the end to the debacle yesterday was as follows:

I asked j around 7 last night what the DM's response was to him saying he wasn't coming today. he hadn't talked to him, so I said let me know.

I went out last night, had a great time (I'm awesome at pictionary!), but no word from j. this morning I go to church, get drafted into a new role there, and at 11:12, minutes before I'm supposed to be somewhere, I text the DM and tell him j ain't coming. I phrased it with finality, hoping he would offer an alternative. he messaged back "Ahhh ok" at 11:25. but when i checked my stupid Facebook messenger, lo and behold, j messaged me at 11:16 saying he told the DM. 

no you didn't. you got told. I don't know what their conversation was. don't give a damn. they have annoyed the unholy fuck out of me these two days with this foolishness.

j knew Friday he wasn't going sunday. he should have just said that on Friday. and the DM should have just let it go this week. if you wanted to see me, you should have just said so and stop covering behind D&D and j. this has all left me a little sour with both of them 

it's Sunday. I'm tired, hungry and annoyed. I need to deflate; first a nap, then a snack and a little cleaning, after that I feel like playing a game. and hopefully I can get over this aggravation and go into the coming week bright eyes and motivated. hopefully...

if you can stand some more ridiculous  disappointment, stay with me...

wtf now...

so new, weird things have come to light and it looks like the DM may have manipulated/guilted j into showing up tomorrow.

j says he is passive aggressive. to me, this is a form of manipulation and manipulation does not bode well with me at all. and above all, I hate drama. there's no need for that kind of foolishness, everyone involved is a fucking adult, so act like it.

I can understand the logic, a little. I feel, after this week, like this is the DM doing what he can to see me (or I'm full of myself and shit and he just likes to get his way) without it being obvious he wants to see me. playing it cool, so to speak.

but, you're in you are mid fourties, guy. we literally don't have time for this shit; the time for coy games is well over.

so I'm in a tiny predicament. I need to know where the DM's head is at. is he planning on waiting till I show up tomorrow to tell me j's not coming, or message me before hand? I believe (at least I want to believe) that he will have the polite decency to say that it would just be me, if I still wanted to come. to which I would gladly say yes and we could finally get some one on one time. but if he didn't, I don't know how I would handle the level of pissed I would be.

so I must be proactive, I must have a plan. Team Virgo. I'm going to text j back later and ask what the DM said. if he's talked to him, I await for the DM to

message me. if not, I'll politely ask him to. then, I'll lie in wait. if the DM messages me, great, I'll take it from there. if not, I'll text him, let him know I know what's up and see where that conversation takes us. I want it to be clear that I'm ok with you wanting to see me, hang out, but not to manipulate the situation. kind of like pre-dating ground rules.

rules for dating Kits, don't be a manipulative ass.

this ride is getting a little too wild. it's frustrating, weird and I kind of want to get off.

stay with me, things are bound to get wilder by the minute...

artsy fartsy

something not DM related.

aren't you proud of me, lifeless blog? you should be.

anywho, I think i'd like to dabble in water colors. they are cheap and fairly interpretive. I don't have brush stroke talent so I don't think I will be painting mountains and flowers.

that's all. just feeling creative.

stay with me...

ok

so, I tell you I can't play D&D because I'm going to a birthday party.

you say cool, but let me arrange three more dates to play.

I say ok.

then you say, but how about I just change it from Saturday to Sunday so you and one other person can play.

but, you still have two out of four playing either day so...

so I say ok.

I may be reading too much, I may be wrong, but I think he was gonna miss my face those four long weeks. so now we're playing every weekend for three weeks straight. I'm so incredibly flattered by this idea.

I think I want to make overt moves now. if the interest is really there and not just in my head, I want to express it in kind.

this development has really made my day, and I hope I don't end up the fool. I kind of don't care because I want to know for sure, but the greater of me is still very much not about that bullshit life.

I dunno, I want to say more but my mind is too busy. 

you'll get the scoop when I do, lifeless blog. stay with me...

in my feelings for no reason

this jury duty is making me irrationally hateful. all these white men in suits, especially in boots, cowboy hats and suits, anger me. don't know them or their function but I dislike and distrust then in what little context I have. not like me at all. looks like a little bit of the angry ass, hateful lil has rubbed off on me.

results

nothing. he just texted back about the other dates we play and maybe dressing up for Halloween. not actually a Halloween party, just dressing up.

whatever. I'm annoyed. it's not best case scenario, it's not worst case. it's literally just a scenario. I'm not dressing up unless I confirm people other than the DM are doing the same. it's lame to sit around in costumes to play D&D; we're not even larping for petes sake. I work hard on my looks and it's a waste for only five people to see them..

more in the two weeks to come. see if this foolishness actually goes down. stay with me...

good morning

and it appears to be. so far. haven't left the house yet so have no idea what's going to punch me on the face before the day is over, but right now, I'm happy.

looked through some gorgeous genderbent/race bent art on tumblr and I've got a lot of good things to do today.

today I'm also going to text the DM a very (what I believe to be) straightforward text. his response determines everything. I feel like it won't be the response I want, nor anything I've anticipated so far. so I'm not sure how the day will end for me: gleeful or wasted in misery. gonna be an adventure finding out!

either way, I'm off work, I have a few dollars, gonna treat myself and try to have a good productive day.

stay with me, you gotta see how this ends...

been thinking

about where I'm at right now.

I am 34, single, never married, no kids.

I am pining after a 45+ divorcee with a child that is 17 years old. her birthday was this week.

it occurred to me that this is a potential shit storm.

the divorce was not pretty, and the mother, mentally unstable, is in the regular practice of isolating the child from the father. grown ass step kid, psychotic ex wife.

additional, he is not in mint condition. diabetic, bad leg, bad arm, bad eyes. great hearing though. I don't know how well I can handle late life medical conditions.

I can't see how this would go, even in a perfect world.

yet I don't care. I want to know where it would go, against the odds, in the fucked up reality that it is.

I'll find out Friday. stay with me...

today

emotionally sick...

fantasies 2

they really are getting out of hand now. which means it's going to hurt worse when the fall comes.

took a look at myself today. yech. honestly, I don't know why I bother. I just can't get this man out of my head. horoscope, for what it's worth, said my answer would be clear today. it was not. but at the same time, I guess it is.

I thought to myself 'I just want to know, yea or nay,' but that thought was quickly followed by one of my favourite lines from Gosford Park, 'what purpose would it serve?' if it's yea, neither of us are going to act on it beside making other people extremely conscious of our flirting. and if it's nay, I've got this stupid dream life I've built up that I have to start tearing down. the latter is probably for the best though.

I'm giving it one last shot, Friday. I've got a party the night of our next session. I'm going to pretend I forgot to tell him and say I'll see him in November. if I don't play that night it will be a full month before he sees me again. the ball is in his court at that point to properly invite me over. last time he did it was after both of us were fully drunk, and he said if I ever wanted to come by to let him know. I read what he said, j heard it and read it too. but I can't operate that way, legit. I know it's stupid and old fashioned and both of us are literally too old for these shitty games, but I want to be courted, at least a little bit, before I basically turn hardcore and buck nasty. 

ugh, whatever man. I'm tired of always being unhappy not knowing. after Friday, the last, last straw(yet I've heard myself say that shit before), I'll take the necessary actions to get in or move on. there's alway the okcupid guy, I guess.

eventually this roller coaster will end. stay with me...

this day

romance is in the air, in the fall.

overheard: "it's like jumping in at the deep end. just 1,2,3, go..."

or not. whatever.

stay with me, the madness will end eventually...

fantasies

for once in your life, kits, just be fucking normal...

interesting

read my horoscope from yesterday. it was pretty accurate for a generalized statement that could literally apply to anything or anyone.

"You're going to get a nice, refreshing break from your 'blah' routine today, and it all revolves around other people. The social vibe in your world is positively buzzing, and you're going to get energized by others. That means it's a wonderful day to be with people -- strangers and friends alike. A stadium concert, major league sporting event, or even a crowded shopping mall will inspire you with new ideas -- and might even create a new romantic or professional connection."

things are... covoluted right now with the DM. last night we flirted, a lot. hardcore. problem 1: we were both pretty flipping wasted. he'd been drinking before I got there, late, because he was supposed to tell me we were playing at 2 and he did not. and I spent the rest of the night drinking when I told myself I would not eat or drink anything. thanks to my complete breakdown of disciple, I had the worst hangover I've had in probably a decade. classy.

problems 2: another guy we play with made some super awkward comments about me. I'm a 10, I'm awesome, he'd fuck me. and all that would be great, if he didn't gross and annoy the unholy fuck out of me. all of this in from of the DM. the guy has a history of superior spazzy behavior with woman. and I recognized that he was starting to dig me, but I tried not to encourage it in anyway, since I only want the DM. 

on top of that he was privy to a conversation I had with j about the DM. it actually makes me a bit nervous because the spaz also works with the DM, at least till the end of this week. and I have a strong feeling that when the DM has the "don't talk to kits like that or you can't play with us on skype" talk, because he will, because he's already had to have the same conversation with him about their female coworkers, it will come up. and things will get super fucking high school and all of us are well over damn 30.

j is supposed to be rooting out how the DM sees things this week, but it all feels really stupid and too hard. I dunno. gonna be a weird next couple of weeks...

stay with me...

tonight was wild. I can't even front...

http://youtu.be/9WlZ7z8CDRE

I can not stand this shit

I should not have started drinking...

but I'm better than this...

another

all I have is shit days...

tonight

I've had a bit of sake. not too much, still want more. I can't afford alcoholism...

anywho, music and alcohol is making me feely and bold. I considered texting the DM a 'contact pic'. then I contemplated just asking him how he felt about me. neither of these things are going to happen in real life, however.

why, you didn't ask? because 1, I fear rejection and disapproval tremendously. not my greatest fear, but pretty damn high on the list. 2, I don't know what he does with his Friday nights. he may be with friends, family, at a fancy dinner. what I look like randomly texting him pics and awkward questions out of the blue? crazy and thirsty. 3, the repricussions would be dire. he'd tell j, I'd have to have a conversation with him about it, and our game nights would be so painful awkward, I'd eventually have to bow out.

I don't know what to do, but this sucks. here I am into this dude who has no interest in me. I know this, and by all rights, I should get over it and get on with my sad little life. but I can. not. it's been a long time since I was interested in anyone, on top of that, I see him so frequently. then there's j trying to wingman for me. no friend, I get it, you don't. it's not going to happen. even knowing this as I do, my heart is a stupid imature idiot.

I need a life, damnit. then I could focus on anything else in the world.

fucking stay with me...

Friday, who cares...

having another shitty day.

I'm so fucking broke...

today

not having the best day ever. been kind of a long shitty week, really...

stages of grief

but not really.

yesterday and this morning I was mopey mcmoperson because I got the distinct impression the DM is not feeling me. slight comments over the last two visits have not sat well with me and promoted the downward spiral. but I'm coming back up.

because I've gotten past the sadness, and I'm annoyed. how very dare you flirt, by the observation of no less than two people, then just shut it off. I feel as if he has some unrealistic ideal that I suddenly don't meet anymore, despite the fact that I am a goddamn national treasure. and cute as he is, he ain't the best turkey in the shop either. so for me not to be good enough is bullshit. but I will say this, if I ain't your cup of tea, you don't have to settle for me. I still have a prayer out in the atmosphere for my one true nerd who's gonna love me, for me, unconditionally.

I'll probably be a miserable bitch in the meantime, but at least he'll be worth the wait.

this blog is alright, but I really need someone to talk to...

bitter

yeah, I'm sick of people and their relationships. stop rubbing it my face already.

smile

see, when yo go in with zero expectations, you can't be disappointed. this is my credo for the rest of my life: expect nothing, get nothing.

don't know or care if the DM is interested anymore. he had my number all week, texted me once about D&D.

went over today and things were a little dry, since it was the end of the campaign. nothing transpired and I'm good with that,really. if I'd gotten more mixed signals, I'd be a little pissed but nope, nothing at all.

my only question is why not, but at the same time I can think of a myriad of reasons why not. just gonna be rough turning it off.

whatever, I guess I tried? was gonna say more, but I'm sleepy and full of alcohol.

so ends crushgate.

stay with me, please...

it's whatevs...

the DM texted me yesterday morning, at 8:52 in the morning, whatever that's about, telling me the time for Saturday. and mentioned it was cool if people came by early. I don't know what that's about either.

from an uninterested perspective, what would I have to gain by coming early? the interested side is obvious and therefore moot.

that's where I am now. I expect nothing, I hope for nothing. and I'm almost a little offended that you think I have so little to do that extra time at your house is a bonus.

but I will go about half an hour early, since the invitation was offered. but nothing else changes. already picked my outfit, hair and glasses. no airs, no extra, no interest. that reminds me though, I gotta finish my Druid class.

in other news, I'm painfully fat. mostly healthy, but fat. I carry it with a good amount of swagger, but sometimes that's not enough. I kind of wonder if I'm missing out on something's because I'm not thinner. I dunno, probably, maybe not, who the fuck knows. I could be fatter, I've seen those folks and I'm honestly glad I'm not heavy as they are, yet my own fat jail is no picnic.

I'm realistic though, if I ever lost weight, I'd never be a single digit. I really wouldn't mind just being back to a 16. literally haven't been that size in a number of years I hate to admit, even to my dead little blog. literally, shit, it's been ridiculously long.

that makes me sad, so let's keep it moving.

my fat ass is hungry.

I think we're done here. if you can stand more, stay with me...

everyday

the more time that passes, the more apparent there's nothing there. a guy with a woman's number that he doesn't text or call isn't interested.

too fat, too ugly, too young/old, or maybe he's just dating someone else. whatever it is, my attitude on Saturdays from now on is going to be different.

I don't want to spurn the group for my own stupidity, but I'm dialing it back. I need to, have to. since this has happened, and I see it's going nowhere, I think (probably wrong) I might be getting this out of my system.

of course I still thought about him in my fantasy land, but the high wasn't nearly as much as when I thought I had a shot. it even seems a little pathetic and sick.

oh well. I'm getting sleepy and tomorrow is kind of a big day, so lights out for me. this ends this weekend. stay with me for the mediocre conclusion to crushgate...

progress?

the DM has my number. I literally cannot and will not do anything else.

dude, fucking use it!

I'm dead. let me finish my lunch and go home. I have an ass load of colouring to do.

stay with me...

so upset right now

my best chance to see if there's anything with the DM is ruined.

I'll probably not get another one.

I'm so heartbroken. I want to cry but I'm just so frustrated by the situation I can't.

this is what I get for hoping and expecting. what I should hope for and expect to be a fat miserable lonely bitch forever...

well...

it's probably very ill advised, but I might be falling for the DM.

but if this pirate party does not go the way I want it, I'm going to give up. I've said that before, but really, there's no excuse by that point...

more on crushgate as it develops. or doesn't, whatever. stay with me...

sad

something is so seriously wrong for me to feel so anxious and empty and lonely when I'm not in your presence.

this is not love.

torn

not my online text based game. these feels.

the DM is pretty much exactly what I've hoped and prayed for. a big ole nerd who's into fat black chicks. this maybe be my one shot. I just have so many doubts.

j&m are rooting for me and the DM to date, since I've officially spilled the crush beans to half our group. those two...

it bothers me, however, his 'flirtations' or whatever, only occur after a night of drinking. he's not full on drunk, but I don't like the idea of being seen through beer goggles.

j assures me he doesn't make moves because we're in a group setting. but I need moves. I literally need to know yea or nay. I can't do signals and signs, I'm literal that way.

he also suggested I friend him on Facebook. makes me hyperventilate a little just thinking about it. also kind of in a Facebook fast but I'm considering it. I just don't want to come across as creepy or thirsty.

I don't know why so many of my issues with this are centered around how I look to other people. I'm certainly not perfection, why do I keep wanting to be seen as such? am I less desirable in my own eyes? weird..

I dunno. the pirate party is next weekend. I'll probably find a pirate hat to complete my medieval ensemble, provided I can find the top. otherwise, improvise.

either way, still inside my walls, giving away nothing, waiting for the wrecking ball.

want to know how this ends? stay with me...

hm...

I think an unhealthy fantasy life is keeping me sane. The Voice of Reason has given up protesting it with the understanding that I never act or engage in the behaviors in the fantasy. I believe this is fair.

I'm not trying to move in the DM anymore. but he's still on my mind, almost constantly. balls all in his court...

the 'healing' process

yeah, but not really.

it's the 'shut down, don't give a fuck anymore' process.

we have come full circle to the origin of this blog on my birthday. I don't want shit out of life anymore but to do me.

add another ten stories to those walls around me. reinforce those bitches with concrete, steel and iron. don't care, I got some windows, I keep them mostly clean. anybody coming in is going to need a wrecking ball, that's literally how serious it is now.

I'm so done wanting and hoping without a response. so let's not expect or want anything, can't be disappointed that way.

and I'm not going to make an awkward ass of myself for anything or anyone. I'm not thirsty, I'm like a mother fucking ocean, I ain't running dry.

so there we are. no one engages me, I don't engage them. we all fucking good and I go on doing what I've done all my adult life. I can't think what makes me keep trying after all these tried and true years to the contrary. but I'm determined not to waste any more time or life in fruitless enterprises.

stay with me, if you want...

welp

The answer is no. disappointed but I can't say I'm surprised. so I'm moving on. I should be ok.

guess who

what has two thumbs and is great at talking themselves out of a potential good thing?

this person, right here. me.

I was so excited for Monday, dressin cute, wearing a lil make up, cooking a good meal, flirtin a little. I don't want to do that anymore. because I don't know what the DM is thinking. I know, I can't possibly, and I can't ask. and therein lies the rub.

I don't want to go out of my way to seem open to something without a guarantee of return. guess that's why I don't hardcore gamble either. he might just think I'm a cool chick. and here I go Martha Stewarting it up, flirting and essentially making an ass ofmyself, what few cool points I've collected have turned to awkward points. and you can only redeem those in joke form, at your own expense of course, after a very extended cool down.

all that blather to say, I'm gonna cook the dish I promised, I'm going to be social, but I'm not going to acknowledge or express my feelings. enough denial and suppression, and eventuall, eventually they will go away.

and I'll be me again, for whatever that's worth. not this giddy, dreamy schoolgirl I've been the last month.

period ramblings. whatever.

Monday is just gonna be holiday d&d. slightly longer session, little more drinking. that's. all.

stay with me...

I want

I really want to date you. I want to be your girlfriend. I want to be your wife I really want to be with you

I've done it

I've found the thing that will keep me falling for the dm. these 'flirtations' occurred after he'd been drinking. I don't mind the drink, he's an adult and knows how to take care of himself, limits and all that. so it's probably a case of beer goggles and me being the only 'single' woman there. quotes because I don't know if he knows the status of my friends relationship. almost sure he does though.

anywho, drunken flirts don't count, so until I see him interested while sober, Saturday was just talk.

where does that leave me? two internet guys. one whom I'm starting to think is an untreated bipolar, and some other random joker who I think is cat fishing. good thing it's the fake email I gave him.

oh well. it was fun to think about for a couple of days. Crushgate continues I suppose? either way, stay with me...

where we are in the world

of my many current concerns, many are much more pressing than tonight's topic. but I don't even want to burden myself with thinking about them, so I'll go with the lighter topic.

there may be something brewing between me and the DM. I'm not getting my hopes up. but last night's game was... intriguing. lots of little comments and a few questions about me. and I found he has a preference for women of color.

this is all circumstantial, sound and fury, not signifying a whole lot. toward the end of the night though, he invited me to his pirate party in a few weeks. it was suggestive, and I liked it. a lot. I don't think I conveyed my interest though. I feel it's both to early since I've confirmed or denied nothing. yet I also feel I should have, to kind of throw it out there to see if he bites. shit I certainly hope so, in every sense possible. but I digress!

I did make an off hand remark about him getting a new roommate when one of our other players mentioned a large spider outside. I did not fully get his reaction since we were all talking at once about the spider.

I feel like a dumb little kid, crushing so hard and not having the gall to tell the person in question. and I feel this will end fatally like every other crush I've EVER had. but at the same time it's kind of fun and cute to imagine what could be. I dunno; I like the guy. I just hope he finds something endearing about my big ole fat weird ass too.

more weirdness and bullshit later. stay with me...

just thinking...

I'm fat. no denying it, not terribly ashamed of it.

but it's kind of an ugly fat. it's not the pretty round stretch mark free kind if fat that you see in body positive promotions.

my stomach looks like branches of a dead tree. my tits hang. my thighs are rubbery bags of cottage cheese. I have no ass. got bat wings and a couple of chins.

but I'm pretty enough, fully clothed, and I clean up real nice. just, fat, still. dont know why I'm thinking or writing about this. just marinating in an insecurity I suppose.

if I grinded, really busted my ass to work out, the weight would drop off, tine up my most problem of broken areas. i know this. I just don't have the motivation or, currently, outlet. I wanna dance my ass off. but I live in a second floor apartment, and I ain't "that neighbor."

there is a place close to work that does a discount on adult dance classes because of my job. once my money is back in order, I really want to sign up. except it will be really tough to fit in my schedule. but, it might be a sacrice I have to make. seriously thinking about it.

I don't have shit else of value to say. till next time, stay with me...

what the fuck is wrong with me?

I don't like talking to people.

this isn't job related. this is me, adult human person more or less unhappy and uncomfortable talking to people. especially people I don't know or don't know well. I literally want them to shut up. why are you still talking, I've contributed all I'm willing to this conversation. do all people talk this much and unnecessarily?

I'm of the mind to adopt the Newspeak of 1984. talk in acronyms and only what's necessary. Christ I hate small talk and jibber jabber. it's why I don't talk to friends or loved ones for long periods of time because I just don't have anything to say to you unless it's important. why am I expected to do more?

I'm social and can hold a conversation. it's not that I'm incapable or hate people. I just do not feel the need for extraneous bullshit.

this has now causes me problems with the internet guy. he REALLY wants to call me. has for about a month now. and it freaks me out. we have no shortage of tomfoolery to talk about online, but what do you want me to say on the phone? I'm not the soft squishy type. I'm not a chatterbox. what exact can we get accomplished do I can get off this phone?

had a small panic attack before I 'conceded' and gave him my number. not the fake 972-fuc-koff. told him not to call immediately. or have high expectations either. because he shouldn't, because I dont like talking.

one tiny brick comes out of the wall. i'm scared as fuck, honestly. but I take a little consolation that it's just one and not all of my hard built walls crashing in on me at once. literally anything will happen at this point. either we grow and fall in love, life will change. either we decide to just be friends, life will change. either we end up hating each other, life will change. or we drift away, life will change then too.

I suppose I'm mostly afraid of the change, not knowing what it will be. not terribly healthy, but better than not trying anything old and continuing to stagnate.

still, I can't stop thinking about the dm. honestly, one nod in my direction and I won't remember this internet guy. I've got it a bit bad for him really. good thing he's out of town this weekend, gives me time to cool my drawers. probably need to try to dail it back a bit, start looking for negatives to counteract my crush. for one, he's diabetic. and while that's not normally life threatening and he is controlling it, disease and sickness make me nervous in a relationship. room for personal growth, really...

alright, time to go back to the Internet convo, see if I've talked my way out of another relationship...

probably need to re-evaluate this tag line, but until then, stay with me...

whaaa?!

I am a grown ass woman with a crush. I am too old for this middle school, he loves me he loves me not, senpai notice me shit. yet here I am!

I kind of like my DM. he's short cute funny a huge fucking old ass nerd, loves dogs and has his shit together. 

I love going to his house, playing the game he runs, listening to and watching him be a goof for the benefit of the game. I think about him when we don't even play. I can not believe how hard im crushing!

but nothing must ever come if it. the dynamic would be ruined. he's such a good guy if anything came to pass (which it almost definety wouldn't because I'm too fucked up to be with a person romantically), I would be able to show my face at that game again and I would miss it like crazy.

so like everything else in life I'll bottle it down, try my best to suppress the notion until it goes away, or at least it's not always on my mind, or until he does something so fucked up I can't deal. kind of hope that happens first.

too tired to keep typing. stay with me to see where this Crushgate goes...

ugh

fucking period is making me emotional and stupid...

whine piss moan

outside outside outside

always the laughing singing dancing puppet

doing all the motions

inside quiet alone scared lonely.

I despise the inside. there is no way out.

join me in the inside of you dare. none do.

why? why me? why not me? am I too gruesome to be believed? only to be seen outside, laughing singing dancing?

am I not vulnerable, too secure, not dependant, not a suckling? why should I have to be?

I don't get it. what is the formula, what is the answer? why can't I figure it out? I'm not stupid, but why don't I understand?

what am I waiting for? why do I have to wait? have I missed it? is it ever even going to come?

as the day grows ever later with each passing second minute hour day week month year, I fear, it will not.

locked inside, quiet alone scared lonely and unhappy...

I tried

bout done trying to date. people are weird shallow liars. I don't have life for this...

let's blog

so I don't have to get I trouble or explain myself or anything else that comes with publication.

I'm so stressed and pissed off. this shitty part time job I hate, I now find out that I suck at.

this is goddamn unacceptable. I have to get up at 4am, ride public transportation for two hours to get here, I hate these calls, I hate these customers, I hate just about everyone I work with. this, this is the worst job I've ever had, and now I suck at it. I need to leave here, I really do. but I don't have another job yet. and it's seriously not for lack of trying. I'm applying for jobs 10-15 at a time but I never hear back outside of a fucking phone interview. I can't not work but I can't stay here. one month and I'm burned the fuck out on this shit. I'm not cut out for it, I'm just not. this is not customer service, these are not my kind of calls.  I'm a problem solver, not a cash register. I need to go. anywhere but here, soon, before I do something stupid...

walls

these walls are so high and so old. yet they strengthen with time

they are beautiful, with big perfectly clear windows.

I can see out into the world and the world can almost perfectly see in.

but there is no door. no way to get in. only I know the way to occasionally get out.

sometimes, I want the walls higher, the windows bricked, the open roof covered.

shell me in, lock out the world.

sometimes I get so alone inside these walls I claw at them, pleading to the universe to free me and let me allow someone in.

most times though, I watch the world from behind the big perfectly clear windows, inside my pretty walls.

and I watch and I wait for my outside to match the death and decay of my inside, alone.

whatever

ebeen on the Internet dating sites for a week now. it's been more or less a waste of time. none of these jokers can keep up a conversation. I'm not saying they should cater to me and want to know my whole life story, but have something of interest to say. there's been a few I felt an interest in? but I can only ask so many questions, I'm not about to carry an entire conversation. especially when you these jokers are messaging me. I've gone out my way to message two people, other than that, dudes, and a couple of chicks, messages

me and literally say nothing. ridiculous.

I also don't think they have the same expectations. they want someone so desperate for love and a relationship they'll hop into bed or give out their phone numbers after the fist message, nooo, no way jose.

I suppose there's a reason they ended up online dating. me on the other hand can't real life or Internet date..

been a while

I should talk about my absence and the life changes that occurred within that time. but I don't want to talk about that until I'm in a comfortable place. I want to talk about my death.

when I die, I will be one of those corpses people don't find until I start to smell. if I die in the summer, it will be sooner than later, which is good. I hope I don't have pets. they will eat me. from what I understand, the mourning period for cats is very short before they start chomping on owner meat. if I died right now, it would still be a day at least before my little sis realised. she's just that lazy, oblivious and self centered.

I don't have anyone to notice if I'm dead. this will become worse as I'm older because I don't have anyone. if I went now, one person might know something was up when I didn't show up for dnd, then investigate a bit. what about when I'm 70, 80 years old and probably won't be playing anymore. I just drop off alone and no one will be around to know.

no one wants me. never have, never will. that's kind of sad. but I don't know how to fix it. people I would like don't notice me. I am invisible. unless it's people I would never be happy with, then I get all the nods. it's very frustrating and disappointing.

I thought about internet dating again. but I also thought how horrible and shallow Internet dating is. it's just a fuck fest, how to con people just long enough to meet in person and fuck them. I cannot and will not be conned. I hate my time and effort being wasted. that's really my only demand. well, must love animals, gaming, anime and nerd life. everything else will sort itself. looks don't matter too much to me. age is kind of important, but negotiable. i want a male version of me, kind of, I think. a little bit of a scary thought, but that's the only person I can see myself with. me.

but he doesn't exist. not in my limited circles. don't even know where I'd find him. so, I'll stay with me and be miserable every once in a while.

one last thing, I'll mention what brought this on, my jealousy. normally I don't care what people got. good for them for getting it. but this, this that has eluded me pretty much all my life, it upsets me to see others with it, while I don't know Thing A about it. not that they don't deserve companionship, because they do, because for the most part, I know flipping amazing people. but how did you get it before me? what charm did you use, was there some trick? what do I need to do different to have a better chance? I don't know the answer to any of these questions and it truly depresses me. I don't know how or what to do to meet someone I like and have a relationship. I'm 34 this year and have dated two guys I didn't like very much and one guy I liked, we just kind of fucked around. 3 guys, 30 years. and let's not be honest about sex. that's tear-invoking. but I ain't had it... never mind.

I'm supposed to be up, getting ready to get to church. yet I'm laying here wallowing in clothes and depression. don't even know how I'll function at church today. everything is so wrong in my life right now, it would be nice if I had that one thing as a comfort. someone to complain to who would care. share my worry with that would offer support. someone to take my mind off things and remind me it will be ok. I'm desperate enough to Internet date again. I'm disgusted with myself and want to cry too.

anyway, to do list

church

clean living room

get the kids to clean the kitchen

set up dating profiles in line (ugh)

try to write

webcomics

random random random

first, i kind of find a speech impediment in women cute. like the lovely sarah paulson.

in other news. tonight is the last night in the call center at work. next time i come to work it will be at hq. it think. things are a bit confusing on that issue. where i was once so excited, it now sucks. looking at my morning routine, i will essentially spend two waking hours at home from now on.

i wake up around 10, 1030, putter around till 2-230, drop off the little at work, then get to my job. once we move over, i have to drop my sister off at 1, get to work at 2 for the gym and then do my eight hours. by the time i get home, i just wanna feed my kids and go to bed. i'm so heart broken. it's good for me, the change, the gym, but i don't want it anymore. i want my lazy ass mornings and late days into the office. i'm upset.

the coworker and i are getting closer. it's nice and kind of weird. she's so fucking wacky and sheltered. but she recognizes it and she wants to do and see more. i approve of this and volunteer to be her Aladdin and show her something out side her home town.

i don't know what's the deal with the guy. told him i went out of town this past weekend. didn't. just didn't want to go out with him. i should let him know, he bores the unholy shit out of me. nice dude, we just don't have a whole lot in common and i sense he has a low tolerance for stepping out side his comfort zone. don't see him being my con buddy this june or watching anime with me.

otherwise, i guess things are ok? i started cleaning my living room. need to get the floor straightened out and figure out what to do with james' litter box. i want it on the balcony, but i don't want it getting wet if it rains or leaving the patio door open 24/7. brandi is still pretty sick. lost a lot of weight, her poop isn't quite solid and there's been some spotty blood, plus her ears are a battle; she wakes up in the morning and shakes her head and rubs her face on the carpet for at least an hour. the plan is to get her to the vet this weekend. i pray i have enough money...

meh, i think i'm done and i have a significant amount of follow-up work to do so i should get on that. till next time, stay with me...

story time

I should not be working in a call center. I am intelligent, creative, I enjoy working with my hands. I should be living creatively.

but needs must be met first. I gotta keep a rio over my head, feed myself and my animals. I gotta pay bills.

spare time is precious and I have very little. I don't always spend it wisely though. resolution, not New Years, since it's March, but resolved nonetheless: I need to get paid to something I actually enjoy. write, paint, color, draw, sew, something. keep the 'day' job because I'm not stupid, but do something I actually like to fulfill myself through the drudgery of reality.

I think I need to change my hours at work, number one. evenings pay well, but they don't leave a lot of time during the day. midnights pay more and I'd have the better part of the day to do things. come home at 9, sleep till twelve, create till about 830, nap before work. maybe. the body adjustment will be hard, but of course, it would be worth it.

I played a text game not long ago about depression. it was quite good, and in it, the protagonist had a project that helped them get through difficult times. while I'm not as depressed as the game character, a creative goal and something other than games and Netflix would do me good, I believe.

I just want to give something to the world. maybe be remembered. I don't feel I was destined to be mediocre. I have to break away from my own life, be a special little snowflake, if only to a few. 

that's my resolve. stay with me as I try as hard as I can to achive something...

shitty sleep

my mind was pulled in too many directions, thinking about my life stretched thin between what I want, need can and can't do. it's frustrating and disappointing to have so many aspirations so far out of reach. they say just do it, take the risk. I don't know if I can. failure is not the fear. it's the consequence of failure.

I could try to ensure more success in my endeavors, but that would almost eliminate my distractions. and I love them. to a fault it appears though. where the fuck is the balance?

side note before I go, using my phone for this and tapping on it sounds weird. like, tapping a plane of glass in my hand. I need a new phone before the screen falls full on out of this one...

more nonsense later. stay with me...

tonight's thought

someday, I'll be content.

stay with me till then...

comfort food

I think I'll make macaroni and cheese tomorrow. that is all.

stay with me...

not sure why I bother

but I won't bother again

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!

i'm trying really hard not to be that jealous bitch.

because there's nothing to be jealous of. we aren't shit. just 'activity partners' so to speak. we hang out and enjoy dallas together.

so i should not be upset in any shape, form or fashion that the person that i'm hanging out with spends the night with "a friend". the friend unidentified by his sister whom i work with.

there could be several reasons. it was a nasty weather night, so the person he was with probably didn't want to struggle through the shit to get him home. or maybe he was fucking who ever it was. his sister, like her as i do, says he's not that type of guy, that he's really inexperienced and wouldn't be the type to mistreat women or step out on them. but he is, after all, still a guy. and getting your rocks off is important for them. i'm not putting out. so all that energy has to go somewhere.

but i can't trip, i really can't. again, we aren't shit. but i am spending time and gas to go out with him on saturday mornings. putting miles on my car and interrupting potentially awesome sleep. so if  you're not interested, i'm absolutely cool with that. but i need to know that. i hate my time to be wasted. everyone involved is an adult, so let's all act like it.

not that he or anyone else will read this, but the record will at least show how i operate. be real with me, i will be real with you. we can just be cool and hang out, see if it goes anywhere. if so, great, let's try it, if not, i'm good to just be friends or just walk the fuck away. i'm good on all sides.

supposed to go bowling with him tomorrow. i'm going to try to figure out how to act in the meantime. continue like i don't know, trip a little bit and have an attitude, or start distancing myself now. i kind of wanted to keep going out. spring break is next week and i wanted to do something in the evening on friday or saturday. i guess i'll play it by ear like usual. tends to happen that way with my weird awkwardness.

ugh, whatever. i can only do me, so i guess that's what i'll do tomorrow. if i have anything to report, you'll be the only one to know. stay with me...

I got nothing

feel like expressing a bit with nothing to really say.

snowing in Texas again. like really really for real hard tonight. I doubt work will be cancelled on the morning, seeing as it is a car auction and driving in shit is supposed to be their bread and butter. but I'll keep the sound on my phone tonight.

binge watched half the third season of American horror story tonight. is it their best season? nah, not really. the second was best to me, dealing with the history of psychology a bit. but it's still a lot better than the first, campy ghost city. I'm looking forward to the fourth, whenever I get around to it. don't know why, but I have a soft spot for freaks.

I killed DnD tonight. we finally get around to a table to play and I forgot my character sheets. still, worked out well since the weather turned heinous. I'd have been driving home from mesquite on ice and snow. God is good.

worst part of the night? my dog took a huge diahrretic shit in the floor while I was talking to my sister. it was crazy. one minute she's running around, getting lovins from us, we stop paying attention to her for like two minutes, turn around and there a big puddle of shit on the carpet. it was an awful mess to clean, but I got it quick, didn't stain the carpet, but that will definitely be a spot I hit on a regular basis with the steam cleaner. which I really need another of. I've had that one since I've had brandy. mama needs an upgrade.

well, I'm tired, got nothing else to say, not that this was just riveting. tomorrow, maybe some snow pictures since I didn't take any the first two times. stay with me...

mental health

looks like what little "audience" i had has left me. fitting, considering today's chat.

so there's this app called talkspace where you text licensed therapists. this sounded like a tremendous idea, because a lot of people have phones, but don't have access to mental health professionals. like me.

so i downloaded it and opened her up. there's message from a therapist introducing herself and what she does and how the app works. i was a little intimidated, thinking i was about to open up to a therapist for the first time about a lot of shit, until i got to the bottom of the intro and there was a coupon for $25 off your first session. so... it's pay for play. a little more research in the app itself and they have yearly, monthly and weekly plans. while it's cheaper and more convenient than face to face sessions with a therapist, it's still looking at between $900-1300 a year.

as fantastic as the idea is, and as gung ho as i was to get professional help, i don't got it. so, i won't get it. it's disappointing, but there's nothing free in life, not even help.

so where does that leave me in my desire to have someone to talk to and open up to? looking at you right now, baby. this blog is all i got. i'm a strongly private person, to a fault apparently. i don't talk to family or friends when i have thoughts, feelings or problems. i withdraw and deal. i don't trust people with my life because i don't feel they care. i won't get more into than that, not in this post at least.

while i like the outlet to just spill my guts unfettered and without judgement, there's no feedback. no one to say yes, no or otherwise. i can identify issues and maybe even sources thereof, but as far as constructive ways to improve, i'm just blowing in the wind

like so...

i don't wager at this point i will ever run into anyone i feel comfortable being myself around. no friend, family, significant other can handle this level of freak. the lil is close, but even then i don't trust her to not absorb my doubts and issues as her own, as she tends to do with other people. plus she kind of gets on my nerves with her tumblr-righteous attitude on a lot of things.

i just want a reassurance sometimes. most times i'm good, but in the times i'm not, i just want a soul, almost any soul, to care enough to give me that assurance.

i'm done, i feel like i've gone into ramble mode. more later, stay with me...

used

Kits' Taxi Service! everywhere you want to go at no convenience to me!

I'm sick of this shit. I don't mind being nice, helping folks out when I can. but only on my terms. don't volunteer me for shit, don't assume that I'll say yes. fucking ask first.

but of course, I've set the precedent. it's my own fault for being run the fuck over, every day of my life, because I always say yes.

but saying no, telling folks to figure out their own lives, that makes me the bitch.

I have zero responsibility to anyone except my dog and cat. everyone else in the equation has minds, mouths and cell phones, call someone else, make arrangements, make fucking friends. but please stop reliaing on 'good ole kits who will drop her entire life to service you without thanks or compensation'. give a bitch a break, please.

I'm just going to pop off one day. turn off my cell, go MIA, be unseen and unheard from for a couple of days. that sounds fucking delicious. I'm gonna plan it today. see where you bitches are and how your mouths and phones suddenly work when you have to fend for yourselves. fuck. I absolutely cannot wait. stay with me for the results, folks...

bad habits and guilt

I'm in a down phase apparently. very down. bought a pack of smokes today. that nicotine free Native American brand. when I was a smoker, I wasn't a very good one. they make me feel high so I can't smoke a lot. I've done two and I'm really done for a while. but they will be nice to have on standby. need a vape pen, soon.

not really sure what I'm upset about. nothing really strong happening at the moment, getting by as always. I'm just, bluh. the lady time just ended so I'm probably a bit out of whack hormone-ally.

I thought about painting my toenails. and just now I thought how I'd like for S (for lack of anything else to call him) to say something derogatory about my feet. he wouldn't, he's not that type of guy. but I want him to. it would be all the reason in the world i'd need to put him away. I don't know what I want to do about him. another guy friend? sure, why not. but I'm not romantically inclined to him. I don't sense he is to me either. big ole fat person and little thin guy. kind of revolts me just thinking about it. I'm like three of him. granted, I'm losing, (gonna lose) weight. but I will forever be big. I dunno, maybe I'm making excuses. but if it's not genuinely there, I don't think I should force it. I wouldn't be fair to anyone. 

I don't think this is what I wanted to post about. but I guess I have to get it out somewhere since I literally have no one else in the world to talk to.

shit.

I'm going to sleep. a better post I hope for next time. please stay with me...