have a baby rant...

i'm already in a pissy mood as auntie flo showed up a week early. and the day i'm not in the mood to talk, all i get is jibber-jabber from everyone i talk to at work. then this shit comes up on my facebook feed

I HATE THIS SHIT. marilyn monroe, even if she had been a smart cookie, thought a better use of her time was fucking presidents and being a ditz. i don't knock her hustle, she did what she wanted, and apparently did well. but she died in '62, 40 years before size 0 was even a thing. STOP ATTRIBUTING QUOTES TO PEOPLE WHO NEVER SAID THEM. especially dead people. the absolute fucking worse.

someone smart somewhere said this. and it's a great thing that they said. but faking a celebrity quote doesn't show wisdom, it just shows ignorance. if you want to be profound, be fucking profound on your own and be appreciated for your wisdom. don't fucking slap a quote on any celebrities face to spread the word. people WILL call you on your bullshit and i hope whatever hole you're hiding you feel like an absolute butffucked ass. you are stupid and you are lazy!

weight loss options

first and foremost, i must admit i'm lazy

i know how to lose weight. and i know what has worked for me. and i have lost weight in the past.

but, as i've mentioned, i'm lazy.

i've seen a lot of my friends take what i believe is the lazy way out and have weight loss surgery. a lot of them have the lapband. my aunt even went with the gastric sleeve. they've all had great results. and i don't knock anyone for self improvement if that is the route they want to go.

but is this shit really for me?

my main apprehension with all of this stuff is the surgery aspect. i believe i have done quite well in my years to avoid hospital stays, broken bones, illness and other unpleasantries. this fact has made me lead me to say that i would like to go to my grave with everything i came into this world with. most weight loss procedures are only day surgeries, but still. they are cutting you open to attach something to your insides or removing entire sections of them. my record would be shattered. that and i don't like the idea of being 'open'. i sliced my hand open on a tin can once and could see inside the wound. i nearly went into shock.

secondly, to me, weight loss surgery is forced starvation. instead of learning healthy options and eating habits, it just reduces the amount of food you can take in. yes, in the pre-op stages and planning, they teach you diet plans and tell you what you can eat and what to avoid afterwards. but really, you could have a weight loss surgery and still eat a burger a day or a pint of ice cream, or various other "fat foods" and still lose weight. albeit it will be slower, and you will more than likely get pretty sick behind that shit, but it's feasible.

and rapid weight loss like that wrecks the hell out of your body. if you're a really biggin, you lose more weight than the body can adjust to, leaving you a flabby mess. it takes either years of exercise and weight training to tone up or plastic surgery to slice it off. not. pleasant.

i've basically talked myself out of it time and time again. opposed to all this as i am, i still find myself thinking how much easier it would just be to do the damn thing and get on the road to less me. i've been fat for a long time, and mostly happy. i don't feel i've ever been discriminated against or held back by my weight. i'm active, functioning and sometimes social. it's not life threatening, though losing some lb's wouldn't hurt. i just feel somehow... bored... with being fat. like, 'yeah, been doing this for a long time. not bad, not great. just is.' i have grown curious as to what it's like in the skinny girl camp. what do those bitches do, cause it ain't eat. we do that in the fat girl camp.

and "skinny" is a realitve term anyway. i've seen drastic weight loss in people that's left them looking old and malnourished (because they kind of are). it's a whole 'nother reason for me to be against the surgery thing. i never want to get that small or look that way.

i don't think i want a lot in weight loss. lose the muffin top, that's the main offender. lean up the back, and lose the inner thigh jelly. i don't want to wear a size six. don't want to run marathons. i just want to be thick. plump, rubenesque or whatever, instead of fat.

but i read an interesting blog post (as i blog this, no less) about calorie intake and weight training. i like the message, like maybe i could apply it to my life? maybe?

i could do it. little steps at a time. read an article about a guy who was reunited with his high school love after losing almost 300 lbs. she was a fitness trainer that advocated small steps to big changes to his amazing weight loss. i could easily start walking around this long ass building i work in. from the front door to my desk is probably a quarter of a mile alone. i could not indulge in the bs foods i love quite as much (that's tough too, i love the convenience). i like to cook and good at it, so i could make all the good stuff i like. little changes...

this is just spitballing however. because i started with, i'm lazy. i need inspiration, motivation of some sort. not like sickness or an accident or something. maybe a fun reminder to take care of myself, improve myself. not sure what that would be, but #2014belongstome, so who knows what form that motivation may come in.

didn't post a pic in this blog. not like me, the wordy ones always seem heavy or boring. so have some random shit

enjoy that? plenty more where that came from. stay with me...

I am invisible

I am background

I am not here

so hard and tired...!

another one? what am i, some kind of blogger now?

anywho, today, writing, and how easy it is. have an idea, skeleton out the plot and some finer points. put it to paper or processor. congratulations, you're written a novel. is it good? no one can say, but you've done it.

you know the hard part of writing? mother. fucking. editing! it. sucks. it's such a long, arduous process. and it's exhausting.

i'm currently doing what i call the "green edit" of the prologue to my first novel. in a post some time ago, i mentioned i started editing it. well, i'm still damn editing. my process goes such:

• write everything, get it all out and down somewhere concrete and safe.
• 1st edit is for major spelling/grammatical and continuity errors.
• 2nd edit, the very ugly "has/were/was" edit. i use this one to remove those three words as much as possible and improve the flow, sound and style of the writing.
• 3rd edit, the "green edit", so called because i highlight the approved text in green as i go. this one has to be the most thorough, thus takes the longest and the most attention

in this process, i read the same shit over and over again about six times. and while i love this novel, i love this story, it's characters and the direction it will take, i am, quite frankly, tired of reading it. while i drudge through line after line, i keep having fantasies of my other work that i would rather be working on while i read and reread a sentence three times to see if it sounds good with sentence before and after it.

is...is it publish yet?

there is a sense of urgency, and at the same time not. the finish goal is still march, however, since that's when i expect to complete my writing course and be able to submit the prologue to my editor.  but i need a break, and even this stupid little brain blog is a bit of a breather from the editing.

my special blog writing project "Number's Game" hasn't been touched since the last post i made from it, however. not that i'm done with that concept, but there are slightly bigger fish to fry at this point. one of the big fish is my beloved Lanky Frank. he's turned into a bit of a novella, with five chapters skeletoned, three complete. i don't see it as a book to be published though. i would love his adventures, if i had my way, to be serialized in a webcomic. he's such a large character, i can only see him one way and i would want his readers to see him the same way i do, and i think his story would look good online. observe a snip from the very beginning of the story:

Despite the dark, the shape of a thigh draped over a shoulder was evident. The young man’s legs shivered and quaked with ecstasy. His moans grew with ever more intensity by the second, from soft sweet whimpers to full throated cries. His slender fingers gripped and smoothed the pale blonde hair of the head between his legs. His climax was eminent, until a muted jingle rang from a coat pocket below the bed. Frank rose from between the youth’s thighs, stroking cum and saliva from his beard as he reached to answer it.

“You’re kidding right? I was almost there!” the young man whined.

“Quiet, I’ll finish you in a minute,” Frank scolded in his smooth, deep voice. He turned his attention to the phone as he stroked the young man’s inner thigh. “Hello?”

“Hello? Hello, he says,” a woman muttered on the other end. “You know how hard it is to get a hold of you these days, Frank? Weeks without a word and all you have to say is hello?”

“Countenance? What do you want?”

She replied with an exasperated sigh. “Yes Frank, it’s me. Where are you, what are you doing?”

“At the moment, I’m fucking… what’s your name again, love?” Frank asked as he spread the other man’s legs, pressing himself against his expectant rump.

“Khrys, it’s Khrys,” he giggled and answered coyly. He gave a pained and surprised yelp as Frank pressed inside him. “I’m fucking Khrys, now what do you want?”

“oh, you are absolutely… anyway, I’ve got a job for you, if you’re interested.”

“You have a job for me? I’m automatically not interested. Good night Countenance.”

“Damnit Frank, don’t you dare hang up on me! This is serious! I need your huuuu-“ Countenance stalled at the word.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that?”

“Huuu… huuu-elp. I need your heeelp.” she managed to choke out.

“As satisfying as it is to hear you say that, still not interested. Goodbye, Countenance.”

“Frank, I’ll pay you!” Countenance shrieked.

“How?”

“My stars, Frank! You’re doing it now! How can you- marks, not sex!”

“You have my attention now. Talk fast, I am quite busy.”

“Ugh, you’re a pig, Frank.”

“And you’re wasting time.”

“Fine. I’m on a job tracking an unregistered user. Guy has been providing illegal services and ripping people off left, right and center, even burning some of his vics. Real bold son of a… gun. Anyway, he gets wind that I’m tailing him and he skips town, goes to the Outrealm. I’m not a user, I can’t get in there after him. But I can with an escort. You, Frank; you gotta get me in Outrealm to nail this guy.”

“Sounds awful. I don’t want to play babysitter for you, Connie. Have one of your cronies with the MPS escort you in.” Frank answered. He started to hang up when Countenance named the price.

“It’s 50 thousand marks! Half is yours. Come on, Frank! Pleeease get me in OutRealm!”

Frank stopped mid-stroke at the amount of money. “You’re tracking a 50 thousand bounty? How’d you get so fortunate?”

“You see now why I’m willing to swallow my pride to ask for your help.”

“There’ll be plenty of time for swallowing later, my dear. But you’ve got yourself a deal. Meet me at my office, seven in the morning, and we’ll get your man. Right now, I really must finish mine.”

He snapped the phone closed and lifted Khrys’ legs and hips for better leverage. He sighed with delight as Frank moved deeper inside him.

“Now, you were saying something about being nearly there?” he asked, pressing his weight on the back of the young man’s thighs. Khrys gasped, and managed to moan an affirmative response.

“Well, I assure you, I will take you all the way there and well beyond, my lad,” he whispered as the bit the man’s nipple and thrust himself fully  inside.

©K Knight, 2013

Frank is intelligent, refined and unabashed. i love absolutely everything about him. so if anyone would like to draw him up for me, feel free to contact me. i'd love to get back to Frank, but at the moment he's pretty far down my list. after i get through this edit, and while waiting to hear back on my writing course, i've got chapters to complete on two other projects before i can get back to the fourth chapter of Lanky Frank.

always at it, always getting it out. i may never see all of these works to fruition. as products of my brain, they are often out of the depths of the mainstream. i am not for mass consumption. but to the few that can appreciate what i'm going for and how i present the tale, i would love to give them all they can take and then some. i've been hastagging positive moments and dreams this year at #2014belongstome on facebook (don't have a twitter yet, but i know i will need to succumb to that awful machine soon...). i truly believe this is the year that changes every other year for the rest of my life. but i have to work for it. it's the kind of work i don't mind doing to get to the work i want to do.

i'd love for you to come along for the ride. stay with me...

something

two posts in the same week.
i'm a wrecking machine...

stuff i'm doing: working on a gamzee cosplay for a convention in june

if you are not familiar, this is Gamzee Makara...

capriciously psychotic...

he is one of the longest surviving characters in a wildly popular/widely hated animated webcomic Homestuck. last year i did a pretty decent cosplay of this lil fella's nemesis and my spirit animal, Kanaya. but Gamzee speaks to me, because he is the polar opposite to everything Kanaya is. over the course of the comic he has both amused and infuriated me. it is because of these feels that i want to cosplay him.

the process is coming along nicely. i got a killer wig. just needs a lil body and styling to get that manical look.

looking into a different, light weight material for the horns. they are quite long, and the instamorph i used for the kanaya horns would be too heavy. i've heard much about Worbla. many of the cosplayers i admire use it frequently. i've seen amazing entire suits of armor made out of this stuff, so it has to be light. i'm going to buy a sample and see how it holds up. i'm hoping to attach the horns with snaps this time, as opposed to the amateurish headband like last year.

i've also purchased some grey facepaint by Snazaroo that is supposed to be top notch stuff. i've been practicing with makeup a lot recently to get a good face down for when i have to dive into the grey goop again.

but i will only have to wear it on my face from here on out. i have also been fashioning gloves from tights. the finished product will hopefully look something like this

glove tut by laceypendragon

so far, not so hot. they are gloves, but they are also so ugly they distract from the illusion. once i get the face paint, i'll paint a pair of my preliminary failures to match see if i can get a little more realism.

for the pants, i'm going back to my fabulous friends at Spoonflower. the design looks good, but i had to go with a more expensive material than the one i used for my Nao cosplay. it was stiff, wrinkled crazy easy and felt like something you make dress shirts out of. the gamzee pants should be loose and flowy, so i went with the more expensive a cotton knit and found a pattern for pajama pants on BurdaStyle.

the shoes will be easy, i have a pair of black sneakers that i will just paint purple and grey. the pièce de résistance will be gamzee's weapon of choice.

clubkind...

for kanaya, i painted a chainsaw (yes, a real one) white. for gamzee, i've found a reasonable price for a set of pins. authenticity, thy name is Kits...

and that's just one cosplay this year. also on my highly ambitious list is Nora from RWBY, a nine-tailed fox and a "harajuku-ish" stylized alpaca. Not all of these will get done this year. but at long as i have three outfits per con, i feel good taking my time designing and working on others.

i. love. cosplay. i've only been doing it two years, but i love the process, the creativity, the learning curve. it's all worth it to be able to strut through a convention and get at least ONE compliment on all the work. that's not why i do it, for any kind of recognition. i do it because it's fun to dress up and be someone else for just a little while. i've lived a great deal of my life in fantasy, which is why i write. living out a character every once in a while is just gravy. 

speaking of writing, next post, updates on the writing. maybe share a tidbit of some other works in progress. stay with me...

anniversary

one year. one. whole. year. since the cataclysm. happy anniversary.

birthday doodle from Google. cute...

i wish that this year had been more productive or more interesting. but i'm honestly surprised i made it this far. it gives me a little bit of drive to make this more of what i want it to be. though i'm still not entirely sure what that is.

cosplay blog is what it mostly serves as. occasional rant about life. i've already had my annual weird-fat-single-girl breakdown, good to go on that front. writing, art, creative type shit. so true to the name, this blog is truly Anidian. i've got no idea what i'm doing, and it shows in the randomness. all it lacks is consistency, really.

which, if i were to make resolutions anymore (i don't. bullshit, all of it), that would be one i make, to give this blog a lot more love and continuity. my day to day foibles could provide moderate entertainment i suppose. add a smattering of my cosplay processes, my written work, real lifestuff and the like for spice. maybe even combine my ambitions undertaking of a second blog with this one. since i can barely do one. more of the same shit, really. just more of it.

i believe my life is a tit more interesting than this blog tells, so i'll try to convey it. stay with me...