not feeling great...

been a while. Can't tell you all thayd happened since I last posted, one, because the majority of it is very uneventful. And two, the thing of note are all negative.


just gonna touch on the right now, if I may.


you'll notice some of my words are capitalized, where normally I don't do that. Well kids, chalk that up to the Windows phone I had to buy when my beloved apple stopped working. And somewhere in settings I haven't cared to explore there is a button to make it stop capitalizing after periods. Not ab bad phone though, but its not great either.


I've lost my mind concerning the DM. That id all I wish to say on that subject.


in other news, I'm very poor, very in debt, and I have a hard time figuring daily how to alleviate my situations in life.


pretty sure I'm functioning depressed. If that's a thing.


I could probably die tonight and be ok. Sucks for whoever has to clear out my stuff, its horrible in here.


I have very little connection to anyone or anything other than this cat and dog. I think the cat senses my uneasiness and keeps me company. Or he sees death and doom lurking about me.


I'm so disconnected from everything. I just don't know that this is normal. I don't have anyone to ask.


and I'm coming off being sick with something. Sinuses, a cold, whatever. Been a suck three days with this shit et al.


I thin I'm done. I'm tired, kind of hungry and I need to wash my hair.


I need something good to happen in my life. Really soon. The bad is killing me. The Lord doesn't put more on you than you can bear. But He's certainly pushing my limits. Maybe ill pray on it, a good thing. See if it works this time. But knowing my life, the answer is probably already no.

pathetic

quick rant: thirsty, desperate, lonely ass women disgust me. really they do. you're willing to fall in one shitty relationship one right after another just to be with a man, to say you have one, to run from alone and whatever lies and demons that are in you. in six months you've been with three men, one you married under cover of darkness, and I doubt the ink is dry on the divorce papers, if either of you even filed for divorce, and you're up canoodling with some other joker. I don't believe God disadvantages people to show them a lesson, but in kind of willing to believe he does with you. Every relationship I've ever known you to be in has crashed and burned horribly. and I've known you what, 7 years or so? if the math holds true, which it almost dies, and you burn through at least three men a year, that's almost 25 men you've been in 'serious' relationships with in that time. why can you not see the problem is you?

you are needy, demanding, gold digging, dependent, you rush shit, you don't get to know these dudes. they pay your ass half a minute of attention and you want to marry them. seriously, how the fuck can you ignore your most serious flaw and behavior problem? just because there are plenty of fish in the sea doesn't mean you have to catch every fucking one.

ok, I'm done. need to get back to work anyway. probably more on this shit later, when you get your heart broken behind some stupid bullshit...

quoth the raven 'nevermore'

I wish I'd seen that pic ages ago.

under normal circumstances, I fantasize about the DM all day, every day. today was little exception, especially with the onset of mah lady time, that shit.

but I've been stifling it, with great success the last two days, just picturing the hardbody in the the pink body suit. or imagining said woman fucking the DM. they are brief imaginings, because immediately my libido drops.

interesting thing, though. on break this afternoon, I was on Facebook and accidentally tapped the friend request thing. this never gets tapped because I don't want to be friends with any of the people it suggests normally. except my cute lil gay coworker was the first name, probably because we have iPhones, tracking us in the same location. so I was like, cool. I added him and then checked who else might be on there I wouldn't mind adding, when I came across a familiar name and a pic of a dog I know very well.

now back in the summer, I sent him a request that went unanswered for at least a month before I redacted it. today, however, before that ten minute break was up, he added me. were you on Facebook at the time? it's like 130-140. I know you're at work, did you get a notification? the fuck made you respind that quick? old me would have been gleeful as shit, and been planning weddings and how we'd introduce all these animals to each other. but new me stays firm, and thinks about that chick again.

that's it for story time for now, I gotta get gas and pee. stay with me...

words

so I took a quiz on Facebook that analyzes your most used words. no great algorithm, it just goes through probably a year of posts and counts which ones come up most. my results

honestly, I expected 'fuck' to be a top word. but maybe this thing is censored. what did surprise me was 'hate'. I don't like to think I'm a hateful person, but apparently I use that word frequently. I don't like that. I used it approximate the same amount as 'love', not as much as 'like'. not sure why I say 'just' so much though. I suppose I say it in exasperation, i.e.,' just stop'. a lot of apostrophes in that paragraph.

either way, of the eight words, two are negative, two are positive, the rest are fairly neutral. then there's that 'want'. that sounds awful. wanting all the time? while I do want for much, I don't like to sound needy about it.

it is a new day in a new year, and with the knowledge that words are power, this kind of ties into a new project I've been doing. everyday around 1030 I stop what I'm doing and post words of wisdom, inspiration, love, positive things. most people don't read them, but I do appreciate the likes and occasional comment. I use several different sources, but I don't name them in the post; quotes from Buddha, the Christian/Jewish bible, the Quran, various influentials. I want people to focus on the message, not the messenger, because anything and anyone can be a source of inspiration.

with this new knowledge that I 'hate' and 'want' so much, I'm going try to make the effort to improve my regular word choices. I'm still going to swear like a sailor and occasionally be less that PC, but I want to make words my strength again, not a weakness. the bible says death and life are in the power of the tongue. it's so true, the things these little character strings can wrought. ugh, I'm in awe of their power, and saddened by their misuse. so I will use them better, to my benefit, and to that of the people I meet and encounter.

off to use words wisely! stay with me!

confirmation

I mean, I already know I was too fat to date. accepted that. but the confirmation came to night.

DM is flipping through pics on his compute, looking for some image he saved for the game. most are sexy half naked fantasy chicks. no big surprise there, as is the norm. but he goes by a picture of a woman in a pink body suit. real woman. the pic didn't show her face but you kind of didn't need to. she's a fucking hardbody, tall, tight fit. I saw it and was like 'whoa, enough of that'. he explains she's in some group he's in, blah, blah, what the fuck ever. she's taking and sending you pics. you're more than acquaintances or friends.

my fat ass will never come close to anything like that. so add yet another man to the list of guys I like but take zero interest in me.

the tough part is being in close proximity so frequently. and I love his dogs. but every time I leave it's a little bit easier to deal. someday this crush will wear off and he'll just be a dude I hang out with, not a dude I want to date...

I'm sleepy as fuck, so let me go to bed. stay with me...

still, it's all so odd. how can everything be so coincidental and still so wrong?

a little follow up

so a few days back I posted about the white girls and their pregnant asses. today I find a black/married friend is knocked up with her second kid two.

I'm sick of these women and their kids. I don't want to be pregnant or even have kids at this stage of my life. but I also don't want to hear about your fucking kids either.

that's where I am. almost everyone I know is couples, married, or married with kids. there are not many hold outs left of the single life. and while most of them are still good to hang, it's going to be at the permission of their partner or they are a fucking package deal.

even though I'm way sick of the couples and kids, I've identified the reason for my single status, so I'm ok. I just have to smile and be supportive and keep my seething to myself. fake it till you make it, Kits, one day you'll give a damn about other people again. maybe...

I get it now

I get why I'm single. don't worry, this won't be a kits' crybaby pity party. just fact.

I'm really fucking fat. like, rolly fat, all over. I'm so fat in fact that it encompasses any personality I have. you can't get to see who and what I really am for the fat. fat blocked, can't see me for the fat. none of these are working, moving on.

sucks though. I do have my shining moments. really the question is, at the beginning of this new year, do I do anything about it? everyone in my family weighs less than me, I am the fat one. and fatter than anyone I consider a friend. I suppose these things should be motivation. but at the same time, it makes me feel defiant. been fat all my life, what difference should it make now? and how dare you shame me for it. all that lot. both sides of a big ole fat coin.

I dunno. I kind of care, but i don't, and I lack both the encouragement and drive to actually work out. I just don't know. mystery solved though. another case closed...